My. My, my, the good Dr.’s been avoiding you people for quite some time. And it’s been nice. But my practice has been slow lately which is what happens when you’re in the Federal Witness Protection Program, and your old Doc’s internet membership fees are not what you’d call cheap, as the more ‘specific’ a site is, the more they know just the sort of barrel they’ve got you over. SO! Your questions:

WHY AM I SO GODDAMNED FAT!!! AHHHHHHH!!!
-Assmaster

Assmaster:
This is a perfect example of the limitations inherent in health advice via the Internet. There’s no way I
can answer your question without an office visit. There are simply too many possibilities. You could have a glandular condition or be experiencing early stage diabetes. You may suffer from Body Dysmorphia, a mental condition wherein one’s self image no longer corresponds with reality. In all likelihood, though, you’re just another great human hippo lolling about in your doublewide eating sacks of microwave burritos and choco taco’s. Lay of the Yodels, that’s my advice.

I've been on a diet of alcohol, donuts, alcohol, and broccoli. Why do I feel so awful when I wake up in the
morning? And why do my clothes keep disappearing?
-Absolut

Absolut;
You are allergic to Broccoli. As far as the clothes go, what am I, your friggin’ tailor? Unless it’s a problem with your vision, in which case, I should go on record as saying I’m not your friggin’ eye doctor.

what do you think i have? i'm always having pain in my knees. Please what do you think it is.
-Maya

Maya;
There’s been a lot of this going around. You’re kneeling on something sharp. Stand up, and more
importantly, move over a little before you kneel again.

The zombies are trying to kill me right now! How long will it take for the LSD to wear off?
-Steve

Steve;
These are really unrelated questions, so let me take them one at a time. The Zombies are NOT trying to kill you. They are trying to make you into a Zombie. Don’t make the mistake I made with the Jehovah’s Witness folks. A lawyer who can make self defense stick in a case like that does not come cheaply. Luckily, I’m empowered to write prescriptions, so everything turned out all right in the end. Well. Except for those two guys I killed. As for the LSD, it wears off in about eight hours. It’s just that you never ever again see the world the way you used to.

i seemed to have broken some glass and every time i walk bare foot over it ther seems to be a sharp pain
followed by a red liquid poring out of my foot whats a matter wit it dok?
-Gringo

Gringo;
I consulted a Hispanic Physical therapist friend of mine who says you should try walking on your neck.

I have this weird condition where everytime I try to sleep I hear voices telling me to frame Julia Roberts
for murder. One time I tried, but they arrested some guy named 'Ted'. What should I do? I've tried everything from yelling at it in public to holding my head and shaking violently, but nothing works. Help me Doc!
-Billy Bob Bo Bob Frank

Billy Bob;
I’ve been known to joke, but I need to be serious here. You have a mental illness, and it needs to be
treated before it gets worse. I know this carries with it an unfortunate stigma, but you have to be brave
and get this seen to. Mental illness is no more shameful, no more your fault than Scoliosis or flat feet or  a damn cold. Now you listen to me, because you know in your heart what I’m about to say is true. There is no such person as Julia Roberts.

My boss is sick of smelling pot on my clothes.
-Book Gun

Mr. Gun;
There are many fine twelve-step programs and support groups your boss can join to help him stop smelling your clothes.

sometimes beside my house i hear explosions, i also hear them when I'm pooing and when i go to the
supermarket, Oh! sometimes I see some green dressed guys chasing me. What the heck it's wrong with me?
-Been Laden

Mr. Laden;
You know, I’m sorry, but I have a long-standing policy in my practice. I don’t treat or advise people who write for Jay Leno.

My grandson has strepp i tried everything now. The doctor said he is being stubborn he is 20 months i mix
it with food, milk, ice cream, juice soda but he keep vomiting what do i do
-Robin Bryant

Ms. Bryant;
I don’t know who the hell this ‘Doctor’ is, but he sure as hell shouldn’t be practicing medicine. Vomiting is not a sign of ‘stubbornness’ it is the body expelling toxins and as a symptom it needs to be taken seriously. I am concerned about your grandson, but I am even more concerned about you, as you seem to have decided this is an actual medical advice column. But your letter came a month ago and I’ve only just now gotten around to making fun of it, so one way or another I’m guessing your problem has by now worked itself out. My guess is he’s allergic to penicillin, and he was going down hill pretty fast. At 20 months you’re short enough that you don’t have that far down hill to go.

Exactly why does your head there have a first aid bottle in the place of a real head?
-Joseph

I’m surprised how many different readers have asked this question. For the record, that’s just a ‘logo’. My head is not shaped like a bottle of Bactine Brand First Aid Spray. The folks who sponsor this page just thought that might be cute on account of my surname being the same as the aforementioned product. My real head is shaped like bottle of Milk of Magnesia.

Hey Doc,
I had a friend shave my head and he found the number 666 on my bald cranium, is this a contagious infection
because she wont talk to me anymore and if it is how do i cure it?
-Damien

Damien;
This common mistake was caused by the fact that when your ‘friend’ finished the job she was standing behind you. Tell her to come around front and she’ll see it’s actually 999. You’ll both have a good laugh and then  you can kill her and wear her corpse like a fur coat.

Were you aware that there is an "s" in Nietzsche's last name?
-Pedant

Pedant;
That’s not really medical question is it, Professor Smart Guy?

Excuse me sir, can you direct me to Bunker Hill Community College?
-Lost in MA.

Lost;
Practice.

Hello. I have the mad cow disease, malaria, the black and white plague, a brain tumor, numerous ulcers, diabetes, ten kinds of cancer and schitzophrenia (not to mention hypocrondia). Is there hope for me?
-The Spiffy Duck

Mr. Duck;
There’s always hope. Mt. Hope! Get it? Get it? ‘Cause, see, Mt. Hope is the name of this famous cemetery, and… and… ah, screw it. No. And stay the hell away from me. I’ll get a court order if I have to.

My (earlier) question was very real and not at all prurient! But I have a new question now. My cat continually biting my nipples is getting to be very annoying, and is starting to make them constantly sore. Is there anything you can recommend to keep him from doing it?
-Luvbunny

Ms. Bunny;
I’m sorry, I mistook your last inquiry for a joke, which was odd, as it wasn’t in the least funny. You
could try putting Tabasco sauce on your nipples, or keeping them in a sealed Tupperware container. If this doesn’t work, the next time your cat does it, hit him on the nose with a newspaper, but first roll the
paper around a hammer. Just repeat the procedure until he stops, and then clean up.

Dr. Bactine,
I am suffering from flawless typing. I can’t make a single mistake even if I try. Everything I type is spelled correctly and I never forget to capitalize. Is there something wrong with me? Am I a monster?
-Mr. Perfection

Mr. P.
If you mean ‘Monster’ in the truly medical sense, then of course not, no. If, however you meant ‘monster’ like Pol Pot or Hitler, yes.

I an arthritis sufferer and have more problems than usual during the winter, which I am guessing is because of the cold, the increase in moisture or both. Any ideas on how to keep these bad joints of mine from turning me into a bed bum this Christmas?
-Bad Joints

Bad;
Really dropped the ball on this one, didn’t I? Unless you meant next Christmas in which case I’m early. In  either case, the best way to keep from being a bed ‘bum’ is to charge the going rate for your services. And remember, kissing is extra.

Hey Doc. Ok, so check this out: I just walked home in the rain on a drug enduced trip and I decided I wanted to eat Vanilla Icecream with A-1 steak sauce and some of that "Dark Chocolate Shell" stuff. So not I'm naked, alone, and the people next door are having sex. Just in case my question isn't blatantly obvious by now I'll just ask it already... Why does my pediatrician keep making me turn my head and cough?
-tiot head

Mr. Head;
I’m sure you’ve heard this over and over from your parents, teachers, your Pastor. Now you’ll hear it from me. That man is not a pediatrician.

Dr....Do human taste buds require a certain amount of air (oxygen) to function to the full ability? Would less air/oxygen keep them from functioning properly?
-A1

A1:
What do I look like, a friggin’ Magic Eight Ball?

is wanking bad for your health?
-Paul

Paul;
That depends, is what you were wanking diseased?

Isn't "Triptofan" supposed to be spelled "tryptophan"?
-Disciple

Disciple;
I’m sorry, I must have missed where I said I was looking for a Scrabble Dictionary. If you have any other complaints about spelling, layout or grammar in my column, take them to my editor or the webmaster, and be sure to include your name and address as both these guys do the site as part of a work release program and they don’t get the kind of exercise they used to when they were in the joint full time.

its me again... How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
-Mr. Moo

Mr. Moo.
I might know, if I was a veterinarian, but it’s probably a factor of how much Jerk a Jerk, Jerk, Jerks, you great big god damn Jerk.

I was driving my car and I dropped the built-in cigarette lighter onto the seat. The entire car and myself were set ablaze and now everything I eat tastes like it's burnt. Are my taste buds permanently damaged?
-Fried and Frustrated

Fried;
Everything tastes burnt eh? I wouldn't worry too much about it. My wife's cooking gives me the same exact symptoms that you're suffering from.

I got my hand stuck in a can of Pringles. Help!
-Hungry Jack

Jack;
I may be old, but even I have seen the hand-stuck-in-the-Pringles-can scene from the movie "Clerks". Get some friggin' originality for once and write me back when you have a REAL question. Jackass.

Doc, my alarm clock keeps waking me up every single morning! Why won't it leave me alone????????????
-Sleepy

Sleepy;
It won't leave you alone because it's trying to help you. Just like every other person around you, it sees you as a lazy, unemployed, hopeless bastard that refuses to go out and get a damned job. You shouldn't be mad at that clock, you should take it out to dinner. And no, I don't mean that literally.

I tried these new Listerine "fresh breath" strips and it felt like my intestines were melting. What's wrong with me!?
-Jennifer

Jennifer;
There's nothing wrong with you. It has been scientifically proven that the only way to get 100% true fresh breath is to melt away the main source of "stink" in your body. And yes, that would be your intestines. Also, for the record, if those Listerine strips don't do the trick, try a thermite enema.

My mom and dad don't love each other anymore.
-Little Billy Samson

Billy;
Divorce can be a very hard time for kids. I should know. My kids won't even talk to me anymore after my wife and I split up. But it wasn't my fault! I caught her cheatin' on me with another man! Well sure, she did find me in the barn one night having my way with a pig, but I was totally drunk and I thought it was her! So I wasn't really cheatin' on her! DAMNIT EDNA! I WASN'T CHEATING ON YOU! ARE YOU READING THIS? I WASN'T CHEATING! AND NO, YOU CAN'T HAVE THE TRACTOR! I'LL DIE BEFORE I LET YOU AND YOUR FANCY LAWYERS TAKE MY LAND AND MY TRACTOR! OH YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST MARRY ME, DIVORCE ME, AND TAKE EVERYTHING I'VE SLAVED FOR ALL THESE YEARS?? WELL YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING, EDNA! YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING! YOU COME ON OVER HERE WITH THEM LAWYERS AND WE'LL ALL SIT DOWN AND HAVE A CHAT WITH "MR. SHOTGUN"! YOU HEAR THAT EDNA??? WHERE'S MY VODKA...

The good doctor hopes all of you are enjoying the new year. And to all of you that have been suffering from frostbite this winter season, he hopes you've learned your lesson. Stop humping the goddamned snowmen for a change!

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