HOW TO GET A GIRLFRIEND>>!>!! [Archive]

Misinformation Man

Feb 2nd, 2003, 06:52 PM

DID YOU KNOW:

The best way to get a girlfriend is to give her something with your semen on it. The sperm gives off pheromones that will make her find you irresistable! Studies show it has a 68% success rate.

GnrySgtHartman

Feb 2nd, 2003, 06:54 PM

MISINFOMAOTIN MAN THATY IS A GEINUS

Les Waste

Feb 2nd, 2003, 07:00 PM

I DON'T KNOW WHOSE CHARACTER THAT IS BUT I'M GLAD IT EXISTS :)

Jixby Phillips

Feb 2nd, 2003, 07:23 PM

SGTGARYHARTMAN PLEEEZE MISPEEELE THINGSE MOER SOO THEYE AER FUNNEEIER!!! KTHNXBYE

Flossy

Feb 14th, 2003, 10:06 PM

--Misinformation Man--

I hope I never get a present from you!
8-)

Feb 15th, 2003, 07:09 AM

Hartman, one day you're going to crave acceptance here and not get it and you'll regret all of this.

Shut Up

Feb 15th, 2003, 08:00 AM

Actually, Misinformation Man isn't that far off here. I remember back in '83 I hacked my second wife up, ejaculated on the bloody giblets about seven or eight times, and mailed them to my first ex-wife in Miami. She called me up and I expected to get the usual, "What the hell did you fucking mail me now?!?" but instead she's all like, "Damn, yer sperm smells fucking good, man. I'm coming over now."

Make a long story short, she flew down from Miami and we fucked like stoned rabbits. So yeah, the ejaculate-on-a-present idea does actually work.

GnrySgtHartman

Feb 15th, 2003, 01:50 PM

Screw you hippies for bumping this hella old topic.

Shut Up

Feb 15th, 2003, 01:56 PM

How bout I "bump" your head off a wall?

GnrySgtHartman

Feb 15th, 2003, 02:02 PM

Hey THAT WAS ORIGINAL AND FUNNY LETS ALL FUCKING LAUGH HAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAAHAHA :lol :lol :lol :lol

Shut Up

Feb 15th, 2003, 02:53 PM

You're gay.

GnrySgtHartman

Feb 15th, 2003, 03:55 PM

Oh my god dude, That really fucking hurt, Please keep up the EXCELLENT work.

CaptainBubba

Feb 15th, 2003, 04:37 PM

Why did that hurt? Are you upset about being gay? You'd think after so many years of anal prostitution at the dentist's office you would have grown to accept YOUR OWN life choices.

Some people :rolleyes

GnrySgtHartman

Feb 15th, 2003, 04:51 PM

ZINGER! Mammoth, that was the best thing I've ever heard! Please keep entertaining us with your awesome posts!!!!

Feb 16th, 2003, 06:02 AM

Don't say "us" like you're part of anything here, colon slime.

GnrySgtHartman

Feb 16th, 2003, 02:51 PM

Oh you're wrong Satan, I'm still a newbie here so at least I contribute SOMETHING for you assholes to rip on.

Rongi

Feb 16th, 2003, 02:53 PM

Well, we're all tired of your hole. So fuck off.

GnrySgtHartman

Feb 16th, 2003, 03:02 PM

What happend to ignoring me Rongi? Why don't you just go and watch anime?

Rongi

Feb 16th, 2003, 03:10 PM

Well, we're all tired of your hole. So fuck off.

GnrySgtHartman

Feb 16th, 2003, 03:18 PM

In case this slipped your memory Rongi, When I say your fucking stupid, your supposed to be a little bitch and say "I'm sorry :( " now say it.

Rongi

Feb 16th, 2003, 03:24 PM

Well, we're all tired of your hole. So fuck off.

Rongi

Feb 16th, 2003, 03:25 PM

Edit: fucking double post >:

Skulhedface

Feb 21st, 2003, 10:57 PM

Getting back to the original topic:
1. Find shiny, trimmed, oblong bludgeoning weapon, a "club", if you will
2. Shine club up nice and neat, as to be socially presentable
3. Shine yourself up, as to be socially presentable
4. Walk out into the world at large
5. Find human-type object with breasts (guys only, unless you ladies dig fat dudes)
6. Using bludgeoning weapon, bring overhead and down towards the earth in one mighty swinging motion, putting all your forward motion into it
7. Knock other person unconscious
8. Grab other person by the hair
9. Drag home to cave
10. This is all up to you. Give her flowers, shag her 'til her ears bleed, lay her on the floor for an ornamental rug, or just wake her up and say "I was kidding."

disclaimer:This post is NOT intended for you out there who have no sense of humor, i.e. the people who feel the need to react negatively toward anything and everything. Thank you for tuning in.

sadie

Feb 22nd, 2003, 06:14 AM

i'm imagining using that club you described to crush the largest bones in your body.

Skulhedface

Feb 22nd, 2003, 09:30 PM

disclaimer:This post is NOT intended for you out there who have no sense of humor, i.e. the people who feel the need to react negatively toward anything and everything. Thank you for tuning in.

Might I add emphasis on, well, THE WHOLE THING?

And you guys want to yell at the NEWBS for not getting a joke. :die

Royal Tenenbaum

Feb 22nd, 2003, 10:13 PM

That was a joke? :lol

Skulhedface

Feb 22nd, 2003, 11:01 PM

You betcha. So is anyone that took it seriously and felt obligated to post about it in that same vein. Tsk tsk tsk.

MrAdventure

Feb 22nd, 2003, 11:22 PM

OH I GET IT SADIE IS A GIRL SHE MIGHT BE OFFENDED. :x :x :x

sadie

Feb 23rd, 2003, 01:34 AM

:lol yah! that's it! :lol

Skulhedface

Feb 23rd, 2003, 04:13 PM

That too.

I was more or less thinking "Anyone without a sense of humor that lacks the cognition to give me the benefit of the doubt and realize that it was intended as humor"

If that's so hard for you to grasp, how the hell did you come to I-Mockery and get accepted in the first place? Some secret initiation I didn't know about? Is this also the same way you got through your freshman year? :blowme

MrAdventure

Feb 23rd, 2003, 09:06 PM

SADIE MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE A MAN SO YOU CAN GET HIS "JOKES" :x :x :x

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT I FOUND THAT DREADFUL AND WOULDN'T WISH THAT ON ANYBODY

Skulhedface

Feb 24th, 2003, 12:44 AM

Oh, the head hurts....

I didn't know such people existed. Now I know. Next time I'm in a World Civ class, I can write about the Land Of The Humorless.

MrAdventure

Feb 24th, 2003, 01:23 AM

MAYBE YOU SHOULD WRITE A REPORT ON BEING NICE TO WOMEN SO I WOULD KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT SERIOUS ABOUT BEATING WOMEN

Skulhedface

Feb 24th, 2003, 01:35 AM

Or maybe you could watch The Three Stooges. I believe they had not one, but TWO episodes about being cavemen in which they did the exact same thing. And were they not happily married for 25 years IRL?

Also, since this plane apparently flew MILES above your heads here...

Yes, that little original post was describing a CAVEMAN ritual. True or not, who knows, but Pop Culture says it happened this way. Who HASN'T heard stories about cavemen bringing mates back to their caves this way?

And, in case you STILL DON'T GET IT, it's a sarcastic way of saying that if you truly found this funny, AND NOT IN A SARCASTIC WAY, THEN YOU ARE NO BETTER THAN SAID CAVEMAN.

Jesus, didn't you people watch CARTOONS as a kid? :rolleyes :rolleyes :rolleyes :rolleyes :rolleyes :rolleyes

I thought you guys were good at subtle humor. :lol

MrAdventure

Feb 24th, 2003, 01:37 AM

THAT SOUNDS LIKE AN EXCUSE A WOMANIZING WIFE BEATER WOULD MAKE

Skulhedface

Feb 24th, 2003, 01:39 AM

:rolleyes :maul

lol. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.

MrAdventure

Feb 24th, 2003, 06:06 AM

STOP CALLING ME A ****** PLEASE, IF IT MAKES YOU HAPPY YOU CAN USE YOUR TIME TO BEAT WOMEN INSTEAD OF CALLING ME A ******

sadie

Feb 24th, 2003, 08:12 PM

:lol HEY! LOOK AT ME! I'VE GOT A SCARY HALLOWEENY ID. AND I SPEND SO MUCH TIME EXPLAINING MY OWN STUPID JOKES THAT I DON'T RECOGNIZE ANYONE ELSE'S. :lol

MaskedMonk

Feb 24th, 2003, 11:16 PM

:blowme
Dude, that totally looks like he's brushing his teeth, it's clearly not a dick.

Anonymous

Feb 25th, 2003, 12:56 AM

YOUR DAD BRUSHED YOUR TEETH A LOT WHEN YOU WERE A KID, HUH :(

MaskedMonk

Feb 25th, 2003, 12:57 AM

um... your MOM was brushing my teeth pretty good last night... IN BED!!!!

Anonymous

Feb 25th, 2003, 12:59 AM

You already used one whopper of a mom joke in the other thread. The rules of netiquette say that an attack that devastating can only be used once every 24 hours.

You uncouth cat's ane.

Skulhedface

Feb 25th, 2003, 12:59 AM

Sadie, Sadie, Sadie.... everything here is a joke. Sadly that includes you. Tsk tsk tsk.

Halloweeny? Go to a record store, brat. Find an album by the band called GWAR. Read back of said album.

This is fun!

But a little nitpick...shouldn't it be "Your mom was brushing HER teeth"? Let me explain... if it was your teeth, then his mom watched you brush your own teeth... bad mental image.

I'm not trying to be insulting, just correcting.

MaskedMonk

Feb 25th, 2003, 01:03 AM

Um, I can only use your MOM every 24 hours! In BED!

Skulhedface

Feb 25th, 2003, 01:06 AM

lol that's better

sadie

Feb 25th, 2003, 02:43 AM

LOLOL. I'M A GWAR-LISTENING COOL FOOL. AND I PLAY CONDESCENDING ARSE ON THE INTERNET. LOLOL.

MrAdventure

Feb 25th, 2003, 05:31 AM

I CAN'T BELIEVE ANYONE WOULD JOKE ABOUT WIFE BEATING! LOL

Disclaimer: LOL YOU ARE A JOKE GETTING GUY RIGHT WELL THAT STATEMENT WAS NOT A JOKE LOL I HATE YOU SKULHEDFAC AND WIFE BEATING ISNT FUNNY

I HOPE SOMEONE BEATS YOUR WIFE AND I BET YOU'LL BE LIKE "WHO IS BEATING MY WIFE?" AND THEN IT'S A DOG

Royal Tenenbaum

Feb 25th, 2003, 12:52 PM

How to get a girlfriend? Don't be Jamesman. :lol

Anonymous

Feb 25th, 2003, 01:01 PM

SNAKE HITS 'EM WHERE IT COUNTS! :lol

Protoclown

Feb 25th, 2003, 01:02 PM

CHOJIN MADE ME LOL ALL OVER THIS DAMN THREAD :lol

Anonymous

Feb 25th, 2003, 01:06 PM

I SHOULD BE PRESIDENT :lol

Skulhedface

Feb 25th, 2003, 01:47 PM

No, I really AM a condescending ass, I find that unlike you, it's not necessary to act like someone cool to be accepted by other people on the message boards.

Naptime calling your name, perhaps?