4d Sports Boxing [Archive] - I-Mockery Forum

thordog

Feb 25th, 2007, 08:08 PM

4d Sports Boxing Look out Sport fans… Boxing is being taken into 4D!!!!!, if by 4D you mean 3D that is. 4d Sports Boxing hales from the hallowed halls of the legendary 4D Studios who had a string of polygonal hits in the late 80’s early 90’s (most notably 4D sports Racing). The premise is simple: you get to make a boxer, and punch your way through the ranks earning money and gaining Strength, Power and Endurance as you train at the gym in-between fights. First of all, you have to create your well-oiled machine of destruction. Select from 10 or so polygon head shapes, 8 or so shirt/shorts colors (typical vile clashing MCGA Pastel we all know and love), also select Height and Weight, and your initial Speed – Power - Endurance Ratios, not forgetting a name that will put the fear of god into any opponent (Note: inciting the fear of god isn’t too difficult when you consider who your up against; Mohammad Ali Baba, Zha Zha Zha G’bor, Willi Vanilli, Bananarama Smith and Slippy Mad Frog to name a few) Now you’re ready for your 1st BIG FIGHT! Naturally, you start off at then bottom of the list, number 50, but if you’re feeling game, you can fight people up to, and including, 4 ranks above you. The higher up they are, the more cash you get for whipping their ass. Once you select your opponent, it’s all on! Gameplay is quite, well, weird actually; you move around with the keypad (including 1,3,7&9 for diagonals) and when you’re close enough to hit, you pretty much hold down ENTER and go hard with the keypad (8 is a jab, 7&9 hooks, 4&5 uppercuts, 1&3 some kind of stomach kidney punch jobbies and 2 is Block (note: Don’t Use Block)). As you beat your hapless opponent like the proverbial red headed stepchild, you will notice his power bars decreasing. There’s a P, a D and an O bar (probably stands for Power, Defense and Overall or something). After a sufficient pounding, either his P or D bar should go down to nothing, at which point he’ll fall like a sack o’ potatoes and the effort of getting up will reduce his O bar (which may also have been reduced during the beating). When his O bar has run out, he’s dead and you win. (Warning: if you stand too close to his bloodied corpse, you get, in very quick succession, a Warning-Points Deduction-Disqualification. The worst bit about being disqualified is you can’t get straight back in the ring against the same schmuck and make an example of him like that Russian guy did to that black guy on Rocky III). Like any good boxing match there are rounds and points and everything, but those are for wusses. If you can’t ice him in AT LEAST the first 2 rounds, get your lily ass back to your Super Mario, ya pansy. After you’ve won your first fight, it’s off to the gym with you. Now, this ain’t one of your new age, unisex, Tae Bo, aerobics abdominizer, buns-o-steal, crunch-gyms here, no sir. You’ve got 3 things: the Heavy punching bag, the speed bag, and the skip rope. And if you even think of TOUCHING that skip rope before you’ve got arms the size of tree trunks you’ve got no goddamn business playing this game… Go rent Bust a Groove or something. Wiener. Having won the fight, you will also have won some cold hard cash. From what I can gather, this cash is absolutely useless; you can’t buy off the judges, the other boxer, or even the ref (I personally think this would add a whole new aspect to the game, but hey, what do I know). I think its just used for some dumb ass Top Ten High Score list at the end or something. Personally I think it just takes up valuable time that could be spend kickin’ ass and takin’ names. The 2 Player option allowed you to pit your modern day gladiator against your friends, which, I don’t think I have to say, is more fun than a trouser-load of weasels, I do not, however, recommend a quick game of 4d Sports Boxing after dinner and a movie as a means to get your date in the mood for some sweet, sweet lovin’. Chicks don’t get this game. They’re weird like that. Unfortunately, my computer is without a soundcard or even a PC Squeeker at the moment, and damned if I can remember how the sound goes, but for music, just think the theme to Rocky in your head, or the National Anthem of which ever country you happen to come from. (Except if you’re from Australia, for obvious reasons) and you can easy enough make the sounds yourself in the early batman comic style… WHAP SLAM ZORK BIDGISH! Don’t be scared to spray a bit of spit on your screen/keyboard/co-workers either, they can hack it. The best bit, if you ask me, is an in-fight feature where you can either look through your eyes as you mercilessly dish out a beating, or, my favorite, through the eyes of the poor computer-controlled punching bag as he tries to feebly block your onslaught of haymakers and uppercuts. You can also do lots of zooming and aerial shots, which sound cool in principal, but are actually pretty shitty. Another cool, but useless feature, is the little Statistics window that comes up after each round that tells you how many punches you’ve thrown and what percentage hit and all this shit so you can accurately gauge just how nastily you’re kickin’ his ass! Oh, I almost forgot: if you hold down SHIFT and hit keypad buttons, your boxer starts taunting the other guy, and jumping up and down and shit. That’s kinda cool, too. Yes, in an age where huge budget games are habitually ruined by hours of mind-numbing, orchestral, slow-motion cut-scenes, tedious over-production, and politically correct bullshit, sometimes it’s good to get back to a simple beer drinkin’, red meat eating, ass slappin’, cigar smokin’, bout to knock the other guy out!!. You can pick 4d Sports Boxing up from any good Abandonware site out there free of charge. If you’re in a charitable mood, you might be so good as to click on a few of the annoying ass banners to help keep the site going. If you’ve been brainwashed by Capitalist-Microsoft-Media-Propaganda and are under the impression that downloading a game that you are unable to buy is some kind of a crime, then I guess you’re shit outta luck. 4d Sports Boxing. Rock ‘n fuckin’ roll!