NEW SHORT: "NINTENDO GAMES THAT NEARLY DROVE ME TO HOMICIDE!"

[Mockery]

Proto's latest article covers a variety of classic NES games that are notorious for being absurdly difficult. Take a look and see if any of the games that once tortured you made the cut!

http://www.i-mockery.com/shorts/boxes/nintendo-homicide-box.gif (http://www.i-mockery.com/shorts/nintendo-homicide)
NEW SHORT: "NINTENDO GAMES THAT NEARLY DROVE ME TO HOMICIDE!" -by Protoclown
http://www.i-mockery.com/shorts/nintendo-homicide

Enjoy!

[Emu]

The aggravating thing here is that you're a fucking angel, with wings, and yet you still couldn't so much as hover or slow your descent to allow for a pillowy, snuggle-soft landing.

This part was rectified in the Game Boy sequel to Kid Icarus, which is a gr8 game.

[executioneer]

i beat ninja turtles for nes, i seem to remember it involved some mapping, some strategy, and a whole shit load of sheer persistence >: pretty sure i smacked at least one sibling for toe-nudging the reset button too >:

[Max Radical]

To assist with cursing the impossibility of Kid Icarus, I must mention the Eggplant Wizard (full name: Ohfuckyoucompletebastardbagmongrel). A giant 2D maze, things to kill you in every room, then you'd stumble across two of these whoresons and have an absolutely random 50% chance of being turned into an eggplant. There was a fountain which could cure you (on the opposite end of the goddamn level), but since that journey was dangerous even when you weren't a freakin' vegetable, you were pretty much f-d.

[Sacks]

I can't believe Mega Man beat out my suggestions. Bayou Billy has taken so many more lives than that robo-bastard.

[Protoclown]

Hey, I explained my reasons for not including Bayou Billy in the actual piece. :P

[executioneer]

the game that made me completely furious was gauntlet 2, cause i kept playing and playing and playing trying to beat it, only to realize at about level 150 that it just keeps going foreverrrrr>:>:>:>:>:

[Zomboid]

Yeah, a friend and I tried to see how far it went last year and that's around the point where we said fuck it too.

[Protoclown]

Gauntlet is only fun if you have three friends to play with and none of you really give a shit

[executioneer]

the tengen gauntlet, on the other hand, you can win, supposedly, but it is fuck-damn impossible >:

[zeldasbiggestfan]

I remember when I was about 5 or 6, I went to my Grandmas place and my aunt had a NES and Kid Icarus. I played it until about 2 in the morning and I got to the 4th stage. I had killed around 20 or 25 dudes and it fucking WENT BACK TO THE START. I got so fucking frustrated I threw down the controller and turned off the system in a fit of rage.

I havent even tried to play it again.

[executioneer]

thats why you gotta remember to write down the password or else you get NOTHIGN you hear me NOTHING

[RaNkeri]

I got so fucking frustrated I threw down the controller and turned off the system in a fit of rage.

Holy shit! I hope your aunt's NES survived that violent beat down :eek

[Schimid]

This isn't really so much about a game pissing me off, but it DOES have to do with elder abuse!

When I was four or five or six, I played a LOT of videogames. I used to have Captain America and the Avengers for the NES, and there was the standard 1v1 duel mode on it. Iron Man was always my favorite superhero, so I'd always pick him and make my grandma let me beat her ass over and over again. Iron Man was the only character who could fly, so I'd just hover above her and shoot down.

Then she decides to pick Iron Man, and I get the wise idea to be Hawkeye. She found out she could fly.

She flew up into the air and killed me once, then again, then again and again, all the while celebrating throughout the room and laughing and having a fit. I've always been a big baby about losing, so I went to go throw the controller at her...the razor-sharp corner of the NES controller found her eye, and she laid down for about two days.

[Guitar Woman]

This prompted me to replay Castlevania, and I found that Frankenstein is a pushover if you keep the little fucker monkey immobilized by hitting him with axes (that also usually hit Frank on the way down). If you have a double or triple item powerup and enough hearts, you really don't even have to move.

[Guitar Woman]

So I just beat Castlevania for the first time ever, thanks to Proto's tip about killing Death. That makes two on this list I've beaten without a GameGenie (which, considering Battletoads, is in my eyes absolutely fine to do without becoming a douchebag), and I am now dead-set on getting through all of them, because that's the kind of guy I am. Woo-hoo.

[Protoclown]

Yeah, once you learn how to deal with that annoying monkey guy, Frankenstein isn't TOO bad, but he's still pretty annoying. What's the other game on the list you've beaten without a game genie?

[Sacks]

Hey, I explained my reasons for not including Bayou Billy in the actual piece. :P

But there were ZAPPER levels, Proto! You used THE ZAPPER! IT SUCKS YOU RIGHT INTO THE ACTION PROTO!

[Guitar Woman]

Yeah, once you learn how to deal with that annoying monkey guy, Frankenstein isn't TOO bad, but he's still pretty annoying. What's the other game on the list you've beaten without a game genie?
Megaman, and I've been very close to beating Ninja Gaiden, but I always get killed by those fucking jetpack ninjas. I don't know what it is, but Nintendo had some kind of unwritten rule about every single flying enemy in every game ever being damn-near impossible to kill unless you attack at just the right moment. Every time they get me I always yell some shit about irregular flight patterns. The disembodied unicorn heads in Zelda 2 are a prime example of this.

[Guitar Woman]

Kid Icarus you can suck my fucking balls OK

[executioneer]

man i just beat the tmnt underwater electric bomb maze w/ 30 seconds and leonardo still at full health

i don't know if it was luck, or if i remembered where all the bombs were or what but man i don't ever rmember doing it that well, i'm pretty sure when i beat it when i was a kid i'd always at least have the music goin fast cause there were less than 15 seconds left

[Guitar Woman]

That Gutsman's Ass thing made me wanna play Megaman again, and now I am finding it almost insultingly easy. I blew through the first six stages in about 45 with only two deaths thanks to iceman's faggotry, and now I'm gonna go for the cyclops bastard which I have only managed to beat once before (without cheating). I'm so fucking cool you guys

[Protoclown]

Yeah, when I played through Mega Man recently I didn't have any problems until the damned cyclops monster. Even Ice Man gave me no problems whatsoever, but the last part of his stage did have me fall to my death a couple times.

[RaNkeri]

Well at least the cyclops giant can be beaten in the NES version(if you take advantage out of some weird bug). But what about in the Genesis version? Nope, impossible >:

[Protoclown]

I didn't even realize there WAS a Genesis version :O

[RaNkeri]

Well, it's a game called Mega Man: the Wily wars. It contains Mega Man games I-III, naturally with graphics and audio upgraded to Genesis' level.

[MarioRPG]

Mega Man games get stupid after you beat the robot masters.

[noob3]

What really burns my biscuits about this game What really burns my biscuits about this game What really burns my biscuits about this game What really burns my biscuits about this game What really burns my biscuits about this game What really burns my biscuits about this game What really burns my biscuits about this game What really burns my biscuits about this game What really burns my biscuits about this game What really burns my biscuits about this game What really burns my biscuits about this game What really burns my biscuits about this game What really burns my biscuits about this game What really burns my biscuits about this game What really burns my biscuits about this game What really burns my biscuits about this game What really burns my biscuits about this game What really burns my biscuits about this game What really burns my biscuits about this game What really burns my biscuits about this game What really burns my biscuits about this game What really burns my biscuits about this game What really burns my biscuits about this game What really burns my biscuits about this game What really burns my biscuits about this game What really burns my biscuits about this game

[Guitar Woman]

I think it's a collection or something

[Guitar Woman]

Fucking hell

CHOJIN I'D LIKE MY EDIT BUTTON BACK NOW

[soundtest]

Great article Proto. I remember when I was 10 my friend and I stayed up until 4am refusing to give up on Ghosts 'n' Goblins until we beat it. After torturing for hours and finally getting to the end only to realize that it was just "A TRICK DEVISED BY SATAN" and you have to go back to the beginning of the damn game and do it all over a second time to actually beat the game... well, a little part of me died that night.

[Chojin]

I'm still on level 6-2 of Ninja Gaiden on the VC for my Wii ;< There's this EXACT PATTERN you have to follow to beat each floor, and if you EVER, EVER move the screen too much in one direction while you're doing it, the game will punish you by spawning an endless supply of birds and football players to bash you off of the little platforms you spend the entirety of the game standing on.

So far I'm able to pretty consistantly get past floors 1, 2, and 3 (on floor 2, there's a jump where I have to purposefully fall into a pit so that an eagle will appear and smack me hard enough to land me on the other side), but floor 4 is I SWEAR TO GOD IMPOSSIBLE unless AND ONLY UNLESS you still have the ninja stars left over from floor 2, cause there's this part where you have to jump over a bat, run from a football player, jump the football player, jump an eagle that swoops at you, run forward, fire a ninja star, QUICKLY jump to avoid another bat from the left, jump forward to land on the platform of the cross-thrower that the star killed... and I've never been able to do that right so I don't know what's past that ;< Ninja Gaiden is also delightfully fond of making you fly in whichever direction means your death when you get hit, and also of choosing the best possible moments to either have your special item not fire or to have your sword magically phase through enemies. I don't understand why you even have a life meter, since you only meet your tragic end from falling into bottomless pits.

Slightly less annoying for some reason is Kid Icarus, and I finally got to stage 2 today ;< Who thought it would be a good idea to only give you one life to live for your country?

[FartinMowler]

Gaming section :\

[Protoclown]

Chojin, I'm stuck in the EXACT same spot on Ninja Gaiden. I actually got to the end bosses when I was a more nimble child, but I don't see how I can ever make it past where I'm stuck right now.

[Chojin]

I've read up on it a bit and apparently 6-2 is famous for being queer. I can now get through it every time, and I have to because whenever you die on ANY of the bosses after it, the game dumps you back off at 6-1. Even if you have more lives left. And the best part is, the next time you fight the boss, you don't get your health back! HOORJ

[Protoclown]

WHAT IS YOUR SECRET, MAN?? TELL ME

[Chojin]

You have to memorize every part of each level and then build strategies around it. You also have to know where enemies appear so you can minimize the amount of bullshit flying at you.

I'll take a video here in a sec and show you!

[Guitar Woman]

I'm on stage 3 in Kid Icarus. I'll be damned if I let any of you jokers finish this list before I do.

[Guitar Woman]

Did I mention that you guys are gonna die over 50 times on stage three

because you are