Jamesman Presents, #1:

[James]

The Newbies' Guide for the I-Mockery.net Message Boards (yay)
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These new boards need saving. Every time I come on here, there's some major douche prancing around in his underoos plastering the boards with his fecal matter.

But I'm not here to talk about Protoclown. I'm here to talk about the "newbies" to these boards. Some of them have just arrived, like a Cuban boy on raft arriving at the US of/and/or A. Some of them have already started to situate their asses into the couch cushion. And some of them have been festering for months - maybe even years, like so much Stupid Cancer spreading throughout the body that is these boards.

It makes me very sad. :tear <--- (this is me being sad)

So in order to help this situation, rather than just make fun of the newbies (which we can still do, seeing as we all know this won't change anything anyway), I have decided to write this piece.

First off, let me define the term, "Newbie." As far as I'm concerned, a newbie is someone who is brand new to I-Mockery as a whole, and/or just doesn't quite get how things are around here. Now, I'm saying that I'm Mr. Mockery Veteran (may he rest in peace). I know I'm not exactly the king of these boards. But this isn't about me, so stop trying to make it so, fuckers. >:

So, now that we've established what it means to be a newbie, you can understand that even people who have been here longer than I have can still be considered as such, and how some of the fresh faces can be considered as otherwise. Now, it's time to identify the different types of newbies. I hope that the newbies here will be able to see which type they closely resemble, and how they can better themselves, and their experience here with the rest of us.

Newbie #1: New Mocker
http://www.blaesermusik.de/blaesermusik/images/mocker1.jpg

This is just your average new guy. He's been around the internet, and other message boards, so he has a good idea of how these communities are. He is familiar with the website, and has also spent some time checking out the boards before posting. He is very well prepared, and is ready to prove that he can be one of the guys.

Unfortunately, the New Mocker can end up being our next type of newbie, which you will see in a moment. But hopefully, they will be very interesting and amusing contributors to this board. In other words, their newbie status won't last very long.

If you yourself are a New Mocker, you know what's in store for you. Stick out the hazing, and show that you're cool beans. You'll eventually be able to sit at the Welcome Table (one of these days), once the more distinguised fellows around here realize you pose little to no threat.


Newbie #2: BAD New Mocker
http://server2.websytz.com/~bigtreeonline/dizzy/drunkenness/ian.jpg

Like Newbie #1, this guy has all the preparation and experience to hold his own around these parts. The only problem is he's a complete idiot and/or dickshit. He may have all the right tools, but that doesn't mean he'll be the handyman of your dreams. He'll end up being an annoyance, and the only acceptance he'll find is in the open arms of other newbies or the "less-favorable" members of this place.

Basically, you can still hope for the best. He may just be a late bloomer, and you'll learn to love him (not in a gay way, but like how a guy who is turned on by horses loves a horse). But until then, if "then" even happens, he'll be watched by wary Mockers, and handle how they see fit.

If you are a BAD New Mocker, you will find that the initial "hazing" just doesn't seem to end. You need to do a little soul searching (ie bottle of Schnapps and a Dixie Chicks CD), and figure out how you can better yourself so as not to rub people the wrong way. If that fails, then FUCK YOU NEWBIE! >:

And I think I'll stop there for now, and see how you respond to this. No sense me writing a ton of shit if nobody's gonna read it.

[slavemason]

The suspense is killing me. When does the finger pointing start?
Judge me oh mighty mock jock. I'm guessing I'm a nuber two, always a turd. :)

[Protoclown]

fecal matter :)

[Zero Signal]

fecal matter :)
Brings a smile to your face, doesn't it, you felchmonger.

[D3k]

I think I'm number 1 stuck in a time loop. In that, I make an insanely stupid post for every 5 normal posts. Including this one. Sigh...

[Crimson Ghost]

I' am not a number, I' m a man... oh wait I' m newbie number 1.5.
I' m half way to newbie #2, and not as cool as newbie #1 (or as good looking). One day I hope to achieve the same status as Jamesman (That's a joke James, I'm not trying to offend.)
Thank you again you your thoughtfulness and consideration.

[AChimp]

If you're good, one day you might achieve Chimp status. :)

[Tarzan]

This thread gay! >:

Tarzan go take dump. >:

[LegoLars]

i want to read more jamesman!

[Protoclown]

Well, you can always check out the tattoo on his penis, but it's a pretty SHORT read, know what I'm sayin'?

[Malevolent]

I was never a newbie.

[slavemason]

Where's the thread for Boobies?

[CaptainBubba]

for the sweet love of Shintoism, why in hell's name do you feel compelled to make posts like that?

Nonsense does not neccesarily equal funny. Try waiting till you actually get a good idea, or just just don't post at all.

[killingzoe]

damn Reading that shit was such a waste of time

[GnrySgtHartman]

Fat people has just killed themselves thanks to this board


(P.S I know this image has been posted before but it's funny)

http://www.siteforsoreeyes.org.uk/fatbungee.jpg

[CaptainBubba]

If I just don't post anything for a couple days (except WC3 get togethers) is it possible I could avoid being a casualty of the newbie holocaust that must now occur?

[James]

Newbie Types 3 and 4 will be up later tonight!

[jin]

Can I be NEWBIE TYPE:

"Just appears out of no where one night in a jason mask and bandanna and draws pictures of giant robot hitlers."

???

[Rongi]

Is the picture of the person for newbie type #1 a guy or a girl :confused

[GnrySgtHartman]

It's a Pat.

[James]

Newbie #3: Captain Reply-Happy
http://malloc.hypermart.net/ib99/graduate/erik.jpg

This newbie feels he has things so important to say, he must reply with his 4-word sentences to every thread. He doesn't contribute to anything but our poorly-supressed rage.

If you find yourself replying frequently with pointless shit such as "Yeah, I like that too," or find yourself posting in more than 45 threads in 24 hours, this is you. FUCKING STOP. The less you reply, the more you'll have to say in each of your posts (hopefully). And who knows? Maybe some of it will start being intelligent!

Newbie #4: Dickhead
http://www.thecampusrag.com/archives/issue7/images/e4.jpg

This guy thinks he's God's gift to these boards. Everyone else is worthless shit whose opinions don't matter (usually because their opinions include "you're a dickhead"). With their holier-than-though attitude, they strut around the board attacking anyone who they've had run-ins with in other threads (usually about how much of a dickhead he is). This is a severe case; one that can keep a person in Newbie status for years.

If you are a Dickhead, go away. There's very little hope of you ever getting off your high horse and accepting that you're not our savior, so just go away. Perhaps you can go play King Shit over on a Slipknot message board.

[sadie]

newbie #4: see also daisyhead :lol

[CaptainBubba]

If my being a #whatever was somehow a catalyst to the making of this thread than I'd say it was more than worth it. :) I'm still :lol at the pictures.

Will there be a 5 and 6?

[Rongi]

What about the "one hit wounder" newbie? The kind that everyone loves for about 2 secounds and then they all hate him.

[whoreable]

Daisyhead had to be the worst type of newbie. but her destruction was like the greatest thing.
________
Best portable vaporizer reviews (http://www.vaporshop.com)

[James]

OMG THERE ARE 3 THIS TIME!

Newbie #5: General Genitals
http://www.chiron-rising.com/jarvis1.jpg

This person refuses to look past General Blabber, to see if there is a board specifically for the stupid shit he's about to post. He feels that since General Blabber is for random topics, ANYTHING can be posted here. Then when this newbie is corrected (either kindly or by brutal suggestions of being mauled by mountain goats), he immediately defends his lack of attention span by saying that General Blabber is for anything they want to post.

Usually, a person will only do this once, unless they are an idiot (hint: THEY ARE). So doing this is basically like that time on The Simpsons, where Bart was in the tiger cage, and he opens the door, and tigers are there, and he immediately closes it again. Live and learn, Bart.

If you are a General Genitals, you need to understand the following: GENERAL BLABBER IS NOT FOR EVERY TOPIC. IF IT WAS, WE WOULDN'T HAVE THE OTHER 18 FUCKING BOARDS ON HERE. GB is really just for things that don't have boards specified for them. So for the love of all that is holy, take the extra 10 fucking seconds to at least NOTICE there are other boards, and maybe one of them is more appropriate for you to put you literary brain diarrhea.

Newbie #6: ANNOUNCO
http://www.geocities.com/jamesman_x/Announco.txt

This person feels the need to make a post of two about how they are new, as if the facts that their post count isn't even in double digits yet and that we have never fucking seen them before wasn't a dead giveaway. This person could also be considered an attention whore, sado-masochist, or television evangelist.

Hopefully, this will be only one of few stupid things that this person will do, and they will quickly adapt. But let's face it; if you are compelled to make a thread saying "HI IM NEW LOLOL," there's about as much hope for you as there is of Michael Jackson ever admitting he's as nutty as a very nut-abundant thing, that probably has something to do with small woodland creatures.

If you are this type of newbie, you're fucked. The damage as already been done (unless you're stupid enough to make ANOTHER post like this). The best you can do is spend the rest of your days here making up for this one action. Or maybe just register a new name and start over, NOT making your announcement this time around. Retard.

Newbie #7: Clueless Clark
http://www.thespark.com/science/sister/0/graphics/trashman.jpg

I hate this guy. A LOT. This is the guy that doesn't "get it." EVER. He was born of a culture that never learned of this thing called "humor," and to a lesser extent (but really a more bigger extent), "sarcasm." If you make a joke by stating something that is meant to be sarcastic (ie saying that Bio-Dome is the best romantic drama of all time), this dipshit will pop up out of nowhere and correct you. Why? BECAUSE THEY ARE FUCKING REATRDED AND THEY WILL NEVER FUCKING GET THAT YOU WERE MAKING A FUCKING JOKE GOD DAMMIT I FUCKING HATE YOU RETARDED PIECES OF SHIT AND I HOPE YOU GET BURIED ALIVE IN A VAT OF BIRD SHIT.

There is NO hope for this son of a bitch, unless they go the fuck away. Then there will be some hope that we can forget about him, and continue with our lives. And if they don't leave, we will make him take a beer bong (not bomb) up his urethra, then set him on fire.

[Pub Lover]

we will make him take a beer bomb up his urethra

Funny, but it still made me go 'huh?' :/

[fred the scalpel]

I HOPE YOU GET BURIED ALIVE IN A VAT OF BIRD SHIT.

Why the hell would anyone have a vat of bird shit?

EDIT: Aside from using it to bury Clueless Clarks that is.

[Jebus]

I believe it is beer bong.

[James]

http://www.golf-jokes.co.uk/karate1.jpg

[Jebus]

No, beer bomb. You know, with the tube and funnel? You take it all really fast, hence the term "beer bomb."


BEER BONG.

[James]

http://www.golf-jokes.co.uk/karate1.jpg

[jailbaitmonger]

http://www.beerbong.com/

[Jebus]

http://beerbongs.freeservers.com/catalog.html



Edit: You have convinced me Jamesman, I take it all back :(

[James]

http://www.golf-jokes.co.uk/karate1.jpg

[James]

http://www.golf-jokes.co.uk/karate1.jpg

[Misinformation Man]

DID YOU KNOW:

In Roman times, the term "newbie" was given to gladiators who lacked experience? Now it is used to describe people in internet communities!

[McClain]

Jamesman, this is very entertaining. But you're too kind. Distinguishing these retards gives them too much credit. They're all one big piece of smelly shit in my opinion.

[whoreable]

i dont drink but i really wanted to build a beer bong once. i would have pressurized the beer inside it then when someone tried to take a drink it would come out with such force beer would shoot out their nose :(
________
THE CIGAR BOSS (http://thecigarboss.com/)

[James]

Only one for tonight.

Newbie #8: (Red)X-Man
http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/Heights/6502/solsign2.jpg

This is a guy you hope is new to the internet. Unfortunately, that is never the case. These people have just been lliving under a rock (which I don't understand, because rocks are tiny. And don't say a big rock, because that's a boulder. Or a mountain. If it's really really big, it's a mountain), and never learned that damn near every free site (such as geocities, angelfire, etc) has image linking disabled.

It can be forgiven if someone links from a REAL site that doesn't allow image linking (for example, if you try to link from SomethingAwful.com). But when it comes to sites that even your 4-year-old cousin knows don't allow it, it's just fucking stupid and annoying.

If you are a (Red)X-Man, fucking stop. Those complaints and insults aren't just there to try and play a foolie on you. Find some other place that has your damn stupid pictures, and MAYBE you can redeem yourself (granted there are no other reasons to hate you, although it's very likely there are, you dipshit).

[I am Mexican Jewish]

Hmmm....beer-flavored thong/ Homer.

[crazyass13]

It can be forgiven if someone links from a REAL site that doesn't allow image linking (for example, if you try to link from SomethingAwful.com). But when it comes to sites that even your 4-year-old cousin knows don't allow it, it's just fucking stupid and annoying.

Hay Dumb fuck, don't you know that image leaching makes you gay? If you want to post images get your own webspace and host them yourself.

[James]

:lol

Hello to you too! :)

[James]

I just have to say how funny it is to see people joining these boards, and fitting into one of these newbie types flawlessly. It means I'm doing a good job.

And General Genitals is my favorite picture in this thread so far.
http://www.chiron-rising.com/jarvis1.jpg

[noob3]

You posted in Lady Ice's thread "Newbie #6", when Lady Ice was around a long time ago at EzBoard. So, I think you're giving yourself too much credit.

[James]

Well that was more or less a joke, but I still consider her a newbie, and she introduced herself again.

And despite her love affair with Max, I really do want her to die. :(

[noob3]

i want a corn dog but instead of a hot dog weenier i want chocolate chip cookie dough

[James]

That is the most unappealing thing I've ever heard of.

[slavemason]

Yep, it must have sucked for you old timers. I'm guessing you had to walk ten miles up hill in the snow to post in those days. :/

[Pub Lover]

you had to walk ten miles up hill in the snow to post in those days. :/

LUX-U-RY! >:

[James]

I didn't see the Daisyhead comments until just now. :(

Anyway, Newbie #4 wasn't based on her/it. It's actually based on someone who's been on these forums for quite some time (hence, the comments in my first post about people being newbies for years).

Can you guess who? If you can, you must be ROYALLY intelligent. :lol

Anyway, I'll probably do a couple more tonight.

Oh, and if you copy the URL of the red X picture, you'll get a super-good happy treat! :)

[James]

I fixed ANNOUNCO's pic. I'd also like to thank crazyass13 for taking the time to register on this board fore the sole purpose of bitching to me about the added bandwidth of his one picture. I've never signle-handedly destroyed a website before. :lol

[James]

How did this get buried? :eek

Newbie #9: Uncle Uncreative
http://www.chiron-rising.com/papajim1.jpg

This person uses the following forms of communication:

-Describing how a person or people are gay
-Making HILARIOUS nickname for a person's user name (Lamesman, Choadlick, Less Waste, MrsAdventure, etc)
-Calling your mom a whore

And I don't mean on occasion. I mean this is all they are able to do. This is it. Take a look, cuz this is it. And that's it. Right there, it's it. That's all there is. It's it. And that's that. I mean it.

The problem with these people... well fuck, isn't it obvious? And unfortunately since this is it, there's not much to work with when attempting to put them in their place (probably why they do it). So instead of trying a direct attack, just make up your own little characteristics about them. Wether it be that they eat babies, or have little gnomes living in their fat rolls, just make something up, and that use it non stop. Illustrations of said characteristic is a must.

If you are a Newbie Type #8, the least you can do is come up with something original or - dare I say it - funny. You'll still be a retarded annoying halfwit, but at least you'll be original.

[I.M.Jaded]

Oh my fucking god.

Why didn't you continue? This thread has truly made my day. Can you make more?

[Spectre X]

what type am I?

[Matt Harty]

We're number 9! :)

[I.M.Jaded]

You gotta let this go on man. There's a whole lot other type of newbies you can make fun of.

Take me for example. Or, Matt Harty (what a name by the way, how white can you get?)

[JeefGyle]

I dont consider Jamesman a newbie, but he fits into "Newbie #4: Dickhead".

Before I even read this thread, just with the title "Jameman Presents" I knew it was going to be newbie bashing

[Matt Harty]

You gotta let this go on man. There's a whole lot other type of newbies you can make fun of.

Take me for example. Or, Matt Harty (what a name by the way, how white can you get?)

Speak for yourself dumbass.

[James]

Jeef, I'm sure I'd have something to say in response to that, if I even knew what you were. Don't get me wrong, I recognize the name and all, but you're just another non-memorable user. Therefore, I have no direct response towards you, because I never bothered to know anything about you to use in this response.

As for the Newbie Types, I'm sure I could squeeze out one or two more (like Bumpy Bumpertonl the newbie who RESPONDS TO CLEARLY-DEAD THREADS). But this has run its course and is over with. But be sure to check out my future installments of Jamesman Presents.

[JeefGyle]

This guy thinks he's God's gift to these boards. Everyone else is worthless shit whose opinions don't matter (usually because their opinions include "you're a dickhead"). With their holier-than-though attitude, they strut around the board attacking anyone who they've had run-ins with in other threads (usually about how much of a dickhead he is). This is a severe case; one that can keep a person in Newbie status for years.



Jeef, I'm sure I'd have something to say in response to that, if I even knew what you were. Don't get me wrong, I recognize the name and all, but you're just another non-memorable user. Therefore, I have no direct response towards you, because I never bothered to know anything about you to use in this response.

[James]

Saying your opinion doesn't matter, and that I'm better than you is completely different from saying you're not even memorable in any way, shape, or form.

If you don't post for 3 days, I'll forget all about you again. :/

[Les Waste]

Clueless Clark and (red)X-Man are both #7, so really there are nine different types.

:(

[I.M.Jaded]

You gotta let this go on man. There's a whole lot other type of newbies you can make fun of.

Take me for example. Or, Matt Harty (what a name by the way, how white can you get?)

Speak for yourself dumbass.

You are a pathetic loser. I have seen you lurking around the message board, and I have finally come to the conclusion that your very existence is a waste of vital oxygen supplies. I just wanted to take this opportunity to formally declare my disgust with you. Please, in the interest of humanity, die soon.

LOL! APRAL FOOLZ!!!111

[Spectre X]

Bumpy Bumpertonl the newbie who RESPONDS TO CLEARLY-DEAD THREADS.


yep, that would be me on the old board.

[I.M.Jaded]

Well, I guess this really is dead then.

:(

[The Unseen]

I spy a newbie

[FartinMowler]

I remember Jamesman giving me a #7 a while back and in my case I think that If I was to become less antagonistic I would be ignored and would be one of the more boring members. I really don't think that it matters what I type most people like to attack me. I like Jamesman and this list is funny but also somewhat jaded and reeks of a warped cast system to weed out members that might not suit his taste in character. Everybody is different sometimes it takes time to build up confidence in dealing with other people.

[Anonymous]

"Caste."

Figures a newbie would make a mistake like that. :rolleyes

[Les Waste]

NEWBIES HUH, WHEN WILL THEY LEARN? :lol :lol

[Rongi]

Edited out because it was GAY >: :(

[Anonymous]

I don't think you 'got it.'

[Rongi]

Yeah :(

[FartinMowler]

Most noobies have never touched a booby and I doubt they would know how caste is spelled. Your so smart Chojin. :boob

[Captain Robo]

Bumpy Bumperton should be called "The Thread Necromancer" instead... but... your way is good too.