Best Punchlines In Comedy

[MetalMilitia]

Man gets something put over head (possibly a bucket):

WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS?? :lol

Man thinks he has caught a large fish:

is boot :lol

[Sethomas]

One of my best friends is the type of guy who will tell an extremely racist joke, prefacing and following it with the justification that he "heard it from a black guy". One of his jokes took about two minutes to tell and it was obvious where it was going. A Russian with a bottle of vodka, a Mexican with a bottle of tequila, and an American with a bottle of beer all take turns drinking while all of them were evidently armed. Russian takes a sip of vodka then shows off his culture's wealth in vodka assets by shooting the bottle, saying "We have so much vodka that we don't need to save the entire bottle". Mexican does the same for tequila. American drinks his entire beer, then shoots the Mexican using similar logic. The Russian asks him why, and he replies in turn that America has too many Mexicans that they all need not be saved.

I pointed out to him that the final step of explanation was mostly superfluous, that he should have stopped at "Then he shoots the Mexican". I added that, in fact, most of the jokes he tells could just be concluded with "Then he shoots the Mexican", so now he has the habit of telling a bad joke with no clear punchline and following it with "then he shoots the Mexican!"

[Esuohlim]

QUICK WHAT'S THE NUMBER FOR 911 :lol

[Emu]

rectum, damn near killed em

[Tadao]

That's what she said.

[Sethomas]

To get to the other side!
One can feed a small family!
Boy are my arms tired!

[Emu]

MONKEY CHEESE PIE =^_^= o.o;;;

[Grislygus]

My name's john

[Fathom Zero]

That's what she said.

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

He died


(after sitting through my 45 minute joke)

[Sacks]

I don't know his name but his face rings a bell.

[Fathom Zero]

and it turns out, he's a burn victim! :lol

[Girl Drink Drunk]

She was really a guy!

[Emu]

so the black guy said

[Tadao]

That's my wife!

[Emu]

No, really!

[Colonel Flagg]

:-O

[Fathom Zero]

Look that up in your Funk & Wagnalls.

[executioneer]

then he says "I hope your damn boat sinks" and starts stabbing himself all over the place with the fork

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

Say Jasper what's after 75?

76

That's the spirit

[J. Tithonus Pednaud]

27 and you still believe in leprechauns?

[Kybo Ren]

and I said, Get Your Own Monkey!
I'm from Jews for Jesus, why?
You're NOT a Republican?

[ziggytrix]

Peter, I can see your house from here!

[Guitar Woman]

And the pirate goes, "Yarr, it's drivin me nuts!" :lol

[Sacks]

Put it on my bill.

[Tadao]

Moo!

[Sacks]

Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

[JediScum]

"whoa, whoa, whoa, WHOA!!! NICE SHOOTING, TEX!"

[Colonel Flagg]

But Barbara, that's not a snake!

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

Supplies!!!

[D*O*L*E]

'What do you want me to do about it, roll over and shit mars bars?'

[Guitar Woman]

I can't vote for a man who doesn't know his mass from a hole in the ground! :lol

[JediScum]

"we tried to remove the tusks but they wouldn't budge. shoulda shot it in Alabama where the Tuscaloosa"

[darkvare]

"it's been revoked"

[Harry Paget Flashman]

"Aw...Mongo straight!"

[Chojin]

Wrong hole? WHADDAYA MEAN WRONG HOLE?

[Fat_Hippo]

Then wash your hands, 'cause I want a sandwich!

[Chojin]

So the 23rd guy walks in and orders a beer and a cactus...

[JediScum]

and the bartender says "Is this a joke?"

and also....

Because anyone else would call it "Teeth Paste"

[glowbelly]

hi, bud!

[Fat_Hippo]

Whatchoo talkin' about, Willis?

[Sacks]

Then why don't you scratch it?

[Esuohlim]

We're the Aristocrats :rolleyes :rolleyes

[Fathom Zero]

As big as a house.

[Fat_Hippo]

Her liver is failing.

[Sacks]

She got fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job.

[Colonel Flagg]

Charlie! Roll 'em in!

[JediScum]

(Richard Pryor picking his nose and eating it really fast in 1971)

[Fathom Zero]

You know, it's not the hat that makes the sandwich.

[JediScum]

"If my ear were a cunt, i would fuck it"

[T-Rex]

The bakers hands were brown because he kneaded a poo.

[Schimid]

Should've bought a hat, Chuck.

[Girl Drink Drunk]

What the he'll we supposed to do YOU MORON?

[Sethomas]

That's why cereal boxes have two flaps instead of three.

[Fat_Hippo]

Yeah, that's what SHE said.

[argonath]

So the penguin says, "No, it's just ice cream."

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

"Grisham?!? I barely knew em"

[Kybo Ren]

Forget it Jeffy, you can't UNSPILL milk.

[Dommin]

GET BACK IN THE FIREY WATER.

You're tired? I lost the sausage after the second bar.

That was the demo.

[Sacks]

"Me follow tracks, me catch train."

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

Me in heap big trouble

[Sacks]

This isn't best final words from video game bosses.

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

It's also from F-Troop

[Fathom Zero]

the grassy knoll.

[Tadao]

and that's how I met your mom.

[carey]

...and then you just wipe the blood off on the clown suit!

[Sacks]

About ten pounds.

[Guitar Woman]

Did you hear about that one time the Hindenburg got a speeding ticket?

[Guitar Woman]

It exploded and 36 people died

[Sacks]

It depends on how hard you throw'em.

[Fat_Hippo]

So what, you've got a dick in your face.

[executioneer]

covered in BEEEES

[Asila]

covered in BEEEES

<3 <3

"Because emotions are for ethnic people"

[Fat_Hippo]

Edit: It sucked. And so did the original joke.

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

He had to ask his Mummy

[Chojin]

BECAUSE YOU ARE HEADCRAB ZOMBIE

[Girl Drink Drunk]

Boards...don't hit back.

[JediScum]

"But you're holding 40 dollars!"
"Oh, yeah, he shit my pants, too"

[Fathom Zero]

"I can kill you with a single thought."

"Well you'll still need a tray."

[Sethomas]

Per the original format:

Guy carelessly throws heavy object off-screen
Audience here's loud cat screech!

[thepiemockmaster]

*achoo* i'm sorry, am I interupting your stupid?

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

Person bends over to pick item off the ground and gets shot in the face with soot from a muffler.

[Govenuh]

I know! But it wasn't even my plunger!

[T-Rex]

Man looks through greased binoculars.

[JediScum]

"it's a video nasty"

"IT'S A CARPET, FARTY!!!!!"

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

"Open up, it's the pigs"

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

Me: "I like my women like I like my houses"
Friend: "You like to be inside them when you're sleeping"
Me: "Nope, found them both on craigslist."