Your Termination Package

[MockBot]

Automatically generated comment thread for Your Termination Package (http://www.i-mockery.com/visionary/your-termination-package.php).

[Kitsunexus]

Yeah, had I not gotten termed a couple of weeks ago, this would have been side-splitting. As of now, it's freaking scary.

[VolCanon]

My idiot boss fired me from a crappy part time job a while ago, and this is still funny.

[Kitsunexus]

WELL SORRY I DON'T SHARE THE SAME MENTALITY AS YOU. BRING THE CROSS, I'LL BRING THE GASOLINE AND THE NAILS AND YOU CAN ROAST MARSHMALLOWS OVER MY FLAMING CORPSE.

[greenimp]

well this had me laughing for quote a while:
"if a dinner guest asks you "Where was it you used to work?" you must say "Mmmmmnh?" or pretend to have a stroke or deliberately wet yourself to divert attention."

but this took home the win for funnyest one line: it's friends named 'Dave'

heh, this was hillariously good, nice work max

kitsunexus: goody! its been ages since i've been to a really good corpse fire!

[Julio]

I will smile, but while I kick their asses!

[wobzire]

Max I'm sorry. Feel free to hate me, but you need to know something; when I found out you lost your job I was a little exited because I JUST FREAKING KNEW something like this piece would come of it. Although I know that the best comedy comes from hardship, and that thought sort of makes me giddy to see you go through the wringer, I recognize if you starve to death or commit suicide the free comedy ride is over. Hang in there champ!

[Simon Love]

On the bright side, you can now start building nuclear fallout shelters for the day when everything goes boom, making the concept of a job, and spending most of your adult life there an hilarious and obsolete concept. Maybe you could laugh it off with some mutant sentient rats!!!!

[Colonel Flagg]

Hmmmmmm. Sounds reasonable. :\

[Jigby Huggletinks]

This should be the first chapter of the new Burbankist bible we're going to write.

[Relaxing Dragon]

No telling. No matter what we do to you now or have done to you in the past or might do at any time for the rest of your life when you least expect it. Not a peep, not a whisper, so help you god or we will bash you with a hammer from behind.

This one in particular had me cracking up so much I had to stop eating my breakfast for a bit. Really funny article, and probably what every big-corporate-office actually says on their severance packages (if you read between the lines, that is).

[Dimnos]

"...and you hereby recognize that at any time for the rest of your life we can smash through your bedroom window while you sleep, inject you with psychotropic drugs and insert any number of spindly objects, such as, but not limited to, an extendable feather duster into any orifice or orifices existing or to be created upon you at that point forever and ever, world without end amen."

wtf?! Who wouldnt want to sign this?

[Dungeonbrownies]

i still wonder what he used to do..

[Desert_Screams]

I've always been lucky enough-- I suppose that should be in ironic air quotes, although it's damn hard to make air quotes with a keyboard, hell dammit to god-- to be employed by companies that could afford neither the paper nor the ink required for such documents. My termination was usually provided in the form of a Post-It note stapled to my forehead.

[0dd1]

After reading this (if I actually got it from a boss who was firing me), I'd write "DAMN YOU TO HELL" on the Sign Here line and then steal the boss's Superman underwear with his name written on them and then I'd make a pile with thatand the letter and set it on fire and videotape it and then plug my camera into the big screen in Times Square and show all the New Yorkers what a big...what's the word...doo-doo head my boss was/is/always shall be!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!

But since I'm not actually being fired, this is funny as heck!!

[0dd1]

BTW, my condolances, Max. Here's hoping you find a new company to sell your soul to for the next 348.5 years. Hopefully, they have an ice-cream machine in the lobby!! B-D ^__^

[JJ the Jetplane]

If you show so much as a corner of this letter to anyone, even that lawyer we recommended you have look at it, we get to chop your nuts right off. Seriously.


That line right there is what made me laugh the hardest while i was reading it, but the part about discharging the companies moms definitely came in a close second.

Good Job, Max, and sorry about your job. D:

[Count Mek]

Poor Max =(

[RadioNinja]

Max,
I got fired from a major small market station a few months ago...now I work at a better station, for more money and less stress. And I'm an alcoholic.

[Istoleyerkeys]

What's really frightening is the fine print on credit card bills seems very similar to how this is worded...coincidence? I THINK NOT!