The Halloween Grab Bag: How To Really Survive A Horror Movie

[MockBot]

Automatically generated comment thread for The Halloween Grab Bag: How To Really Survive A Horror Movie (http://www.i-mockery.com/halloween/bag/horror-movie-survival-guide.php).

[Julio]

Hey Proto, I think that another good survival tip would be expect the bad guy (someone like Jason) to revive. That way you can save all the panting and victorious drama and better start running the hell away from the murder scene.

[executioneer]

that's sort of similar to #18, though

[greenimp]

heheh, nice one

[GreyWeirdo]

One point on being in the military. You have to be the only one who is in the military. If you're part of a troop, you'll all get wiped out.

[Outcome]

Thanks Proto, but now we all know what to expect. So now we'll be the overly cautious ones who know all the rules, and are thus guaranteed to be killed in such a way as to surprise the viewer as well as our selves.

[Poxpower]

Haha that's awesome. I remember a similar article in a humor magazine here in Quebec, but that was 10 years ago and in french. Had the "never check if you really killed the monster" one.

Question: in the case that one thing you SHOULDN'T do and one thing you SHOULD do mix together, which one wins out?
Like, say I want to take a shower and I get my fat smelly friend to unleash a Taco Bell storm on the toilet while I clean up, what happens?

[Nick]

I spy an Army of Darkness quote.

[Purple Man]

#18 is a rule for living.

[Drunken_Lemur408]

Rule #27 Never call the police expecting them to believe your ramblings of an indestructible Serial Killer,even if you are the wide eyed rookie on the force.

[the Platinum Poppy]

GreyWeirdo and Drunken Lemur, that was certainly needed additions. Do you think it's all covered now? Or anything more we need to know?

[dakotacruz]

To add to 18. Never check to see if something you just killed is really dead.
I always would yell at the dumbasses on the screen, if you knock something down/"kill" the monster, hit it until it's jelly! Go smashy smashy until there's nothing left to get up! This is the worst! They shoot the monster/killer, and then get right in it's face...why??

Keep shooting, until the click click click, then gun thump it until it's a fine paste!
Then, hell, place the goo in seperate bags/boxes and then drive like fuck to seperate that thing

[Julio]

executioneer: Yeah, the tip I'm suggesting is somewhat related to rule #18, although maybe I forgot to mention that this applies more to those endless sequels in which the heroes should know the history of the bad guy well enough to to at least think about what's going to happen if they remain where they are instead of trying to get nowhere near it now it is temporarily (they always get up) disabled.

[McFly]

If your friend is pulled away by flesh-eating zombies, do not try to save him/her. They are already good as dead. It is always the ones that go back in to save the others that get hit. You may be a heartless bastard for letting your best bud die, but at least you live to tell the tale. Unless you are the only surviving member left in your group, because somehow it gives you better odds.

[AllHallowSteve]

Ha. I think you nailed it.
This site: http://www.dodgethekills.com/ went up last year to promote a book called "How to Survive a Horror Movie." My favorite is "How to Defeat a Killer Doll" just kick the livin' crap out of it.

[wobzire]

I can NOT beleave you forgot one of the most important rules. BE A GIRL IN A WHITE TANK TOP.

[the Platinum Poppy]

McFly, could also be that you think you managed to drag your friend to safety, but when you look at what you're actually holding on to it's not so much your entire friend as just a few bodyparts, while the rest was eaten. But even if one isn't killed in that scenario, it would be nice to avoid... I mean, yuck!

BTW, isn't there some old horror movie where the main character does smoke weed but lives? I think it might be in the very first Friday the 13th... or something equally old...

[MrWarranty]

This was an excellent list. I had fun reading it to my friends. I'll be sure to heed these warnings should I find myself in the darker side of the silver screen.

[King Credo]

Loved the quote in #18. Glad that like half of the people here got that joke.

[Gourry]

I disagree with #26 (watch your back) because you'll turn to look back, and as soon as you turn back forward, the monster is right there in your face. And I hope you better be wearing brown pants.

[The Visible Man]

This one fits pretty well with Gourry's, but...

The killer is always in your vicinity. This may seem like a no brainer (it IS chasing you, after all), but keep in mind that the killer could kill someone in Maine, but by the time you even TALK about it at home in LA... he will be outside your door waiting to kill you in some creative way, garunteed.

[Jquick]

Another one is always keep your clothes on during the movie. Boobs work opposite in a horror environment. Normally=Awesome, Horror=Dead.

[Colonel Flagg]

Right from the top:

"... the camera really doesn't want to show you in the middle of smashing one out."

Hysterical, and they just got better from there. Great work, Proto.

[Chuggernaught]

#22 is extremely sound advice. Also, that doll is freaking creepy!

[Terrible-D]

Rule #1 just made me spit Mt. Dew out of my nose. Specifically the phrase "smashing one out".
And oddly enough, I use the "get an axe" line whenever I've been dumb enough to fall for someone calling out from the bathroom, "you gotta come see the size of this!"

[resident-adam]

Very well written and insightful, but of little to no use to an Imperial Stormtrooper. maybe your next article should be "How to survive a laser gun shoot-out in your shiny white plastic armor" or "How to ACTUALLY hit a main Star Wars character, even though your only 6 feet away". Those would be great.

[Mystik Tomato]

I disagree with #1. You're much less likely to be killed taking a whiz, rather than "smashing one out". I think that there's at least 2 occasions in Friday the 13th alone when someone's taking a dump ant they get killed. (Of course, I'm just going off of memory here.)

Anyway, the rest of the list is excellent, Proto!

[Mr T L Wolf]

Pfft, must mean I'm tough. Not only do I live in Maine, I live, like, a couple miles from Stephen King's house.

[OxBlood]

-Never answer the phone, it´s your mother, but you die withing 20 seconds (Same as with the strange noise)

-NEVER watch TV. You don´t want to see whatever they show. If a TV is on when you enter the room - SMASH it at once, no matter what´s on the screen. Beware white noise-thingies

-Same with mirrors. Smash ´em. You know what you look like, no need to take a peek

-To extend the Doll-Law: Anything inanimate with a face has to be destroyed immediately, especially if it gets dark

-If you can be sure, there is no monster in the movie you are in, kill everyone around you, better safe than sorry, because one of them must be the killer. I know, this makes YOU the killer but you have to surprise the movie so it can´t react accordingly OR you are in a movie without a happy end and that basically means - You win!

[Roggs]

Indeed on the mirrors. AVOID THEM. The worst thing you can do in a horror movie is bend over infront of a mirror to grab something or wash your face and then look back up.

Also, arm yourself and stay armed. This one seems like common sense to me but it's something so many horror movie victims ignore.

I also have to disagree on the military point. You'll have the skills and go out in a hurrah, but you will still die like a dog.

The most crucial thing is to be the take-charge guy (or, if female, to feel close to and eventually develop a romantic relationship with the take-charge guy). These are the only two people who will survive, so get over that social awkwardness fast. If you miss the window and someone else takes the role, becoming the pissy guy who always insists on doing something else is NOT the good alternative. You're just going to have to edge out that (other) female and become the love interest of the protagonist. This could be very awkward if you are a man as well, but do you want to live or not?

[RaNkeri]

-Never take food from the fridge, because

a) The Killer will always be hiding behind the open fridge door, ready to attack you when you close the door

b) The Killer will always attack you when you close the door and turn around

Also, the killer can use the fridge door to smash your head

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v202/RaNkeri/punisherfridge.jpg

[slangislayer]

27. If you suddenly hear violins in a stakkato rhythm, you´re screwed.

[Sleazeappeal]

Rule 20 Corollary:

If you're in a horror/musical/comedy, only ask to use the phone in the weird, creepy place if you're INTO that sort of thing!

[Geminate]

While this is sage advice for the 80s-90s horror, the latest horror and (ugh) porn-horror seems to be breaking most of these rules, especially numbers 1, 6, 8, 14, 17, 23 and 25.

[Fear N Loathing]

Add another rule: Chainsaws never run out of gas, or get dull. Use as frequently as possible. Just like Head On: Apply directly to the forehead.

[Beardy Goodness]

Oxblood, you made me think of something: Become the monster/killer. I don't care what you do, go insane, drink chemicals, mess with your DNA, etc. Because if you are the monster, you most likely won't be killed, and even if you are you have a 88.62% chance of coming back, and will most likely gain a lucerative film career! Unless it's a zombie flick, in which case just be badass.

[Beardy Goodness]

P.S., resident-Adam has a great idea, so do it, goddamn it!http://forumsextreme.com/imgs1/Funny-Pics_Animated_Ak47Cat.gif

[Drunken_Lemur408]

Geminate, I'm not sure I understand. Could you give the class an example?

[Orastella]

Yeah, if you're the monster/killer you're safe until the end of the movie... until they make the sequel.

[testtube]

Ok well, to survive a slasher film, but how do you survive a FULCI movie? None of the victims in his movies do anything that makes any fucking sense at all. In fact its as if they're following these exact rules, and they still die.

[ds394]

I had to register to give my advice:

Try to be about 10 years old and cute. You will NOT be killed and everyone will work to protect you. If you can't fake being 10 years old, act really innocent and pretend you have a mental disability. You'll have a much better chance of surviving.

[autodidact]

-Don't be 'The Slut' of the group.
-Don't pick up hitchhikers.
-Don't run out of gas or get flat tires.
-That's not the sound of a branch scraping up against the house.
-Don't know what it is? Don't run up to it and touch it. Curiosity killed that cat and it will get you too.
-Hit or run over something with your car? Keep driving, use the mirrors to look back, that's what they're for.
-The first person you think could possibly help you? They can't. They're already dead at the second their name entered your mind.
-Evil death-bringers can teleport. Just cause every time you see them they're shambling along doesn't mean they won't be where you least expected them to be.
-Disbelief and ridiculing old legends will get you killed. Usually as you speak the words, 'That old lady is crazy. Only an idiot would believe in the...Oh Shit'.

[OxBlood]

How about I try to be the monster while looking just like my Avatar? That would be pretty creepy I think...a handdrawn chibi-anime-chick...no...not a good idea, I´ll think of something else.

[Primortal]

-If Guns Are Proven Not to Work, Don't Keep Using Them: If someone was just shooting at the monster/alien/killer whatsit and got killed and/or eaten... don't under any circumstances think that shooting at it will work for you either.

-There's Always a Queen Monster: There's almost always a queen somewhere. Even if the species of monster is never known to have a queen of ANY sort... one usually manages to pop up somewhere.

-Close the Resorts: If horrible murders are occurring near, around, or IN your lake, river, beach, or pool resort... 9 times out of 10 that's not a good sign. So be a smart person and close the damn things down. A little low income is a hell of a lot better than having MORE dead bodies on your hands. It also doesn't work well for your P.R. either.

-Scientists Are Always Right: When a scientist is explaining the bad things that can and most likely WILL happen if said experiment/chemical/etc. is used, they are right. That's why they're scientists, and you're not. But if they sport an eyepatch, a scar, or an evil goatee... (or all of the above) be wary of their motives.

-Differing Agendas Stipulation: Scientists may always be right, but will also, almost always, have differing agendas than yours when it comes to monsters/aliens/etc. While it's quite obvious that the monster(s) you're all facing are not of the passive/kind variety, that will NEVER stop scientists from wanting to study them... preferrably alive. Thus, they should NEVER be left near anything with which they could jeopardize YOUR attempts to kill the Monster. EVER.

[Mister Tea]

There's another exemption to #2: If you're being played by a rapper, you can kick your heels up and relax; there's a 99% chance that you're going to be just fine. In case you're nervous about those odds, keep in mind that using the phrase "Oh shit! I'm gonna die with all these crazy motherfuckin' white people!" will boost your chances of survival to a full 100%.

There's also another stipulation to #8: While soldiers are often given a break, don't expect the same treatment if you're a police officer. If you are a cop, even if there aren't any others around, then you'd better damn well believe what those hysterical kids are telling you or else you're kicking the bucket very soon.

And GreyWeirdo's observation about being part of a a group of soldiers, is spot on. If you are unfortunate enough to be in this bracket; try to be the only survivor of your squad's inevitable massacre, whereupon you'll then receive the protection offered by Rule #8.

[Primortal]

*adds a stipulation to Mister Tea's observation about soldiers* This doesn't seem to work for minority members of said group of soldiers, same with "tough-as-nails-but-has-a-heart-of-gold" female soldiers. You might as well stick your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye, because there's very little chance of your survival.

[Mister Tea]

Further stipulation: if you happen to be a female soldier, do a quick check of the other females in the cast. If any of them are hotter than you, then Primortal's already made your fate clear; the best you can hope for is a heroic death while rescuing the hot chick. If you're otherwise a minority soldier, check for any wisecracking black guys played by L.L. Cool J. If you see one, then shoot him if want to live through this thing. Can't stress it enough.

By the way: love the avatar, Primortal. Rowsdower for Prime Minister!

[Mojomajik9]

Seriously, killing your type of character is like black tar heroin to movie monsters.

HAHAHA brilliant. Loved that quote.

Also, if you happen to be of Native American descent, and you figure out there's a monster on the loose before the whities do, don't do something stupid like try to take it on yourself with just a stick and medicine bag.

When running away from the monster into a safe room/house/building after slamming and locking the door, don't then lean against it for a sigh of relief. You're about to be torn in two.

At the beginning of this adventure, when someone says, "Hey, let's NOT go to this spooky place. It's dangerous!" heed their advice. Conversely, if some jackass says, "Hey! Let's go to that place where people get chopped up like they're salmon on Iron Chef!" throw them from the car and keep going.

[Mister Tea]

Exception for mystical Native Americans: if the monster is the product of anything built over a tribal burial ground, however, you're the only one who can stop it. But don't attempt to right away; the other characters have to exhaust every possible attempt to kill the creature first.

[SPINAL]

Regarding #1, I cite the the classic bathroom death of Demon from Friday the 13th, Part 5 - A New Beginning.

Demon was doing a number 2 in a portapotty after having Taco Smell and Jason took him out. Of course, Jason did not actually go into the smellhouse-- he impaled through it with a spear!

[Kitsunexus]

Classic and awesome. Well done.

[Primortal]

And if you're a Native American, and happen to be a IN a horror movie, 9 times out of 10, you WILL, without a doubt, have heard of a legend (preferrably a Native American one) that happens to be tied to said monster you are all facing.

And glad you like my avatar Mister Tea.

[Robodie III]

Don't be a specialist in things related to the monster. They'll make you die one of the worst deaths (like that shark expert in Jaws).

[Jeanette X]

I know its been a while, but I just thought of one:

If you are in a zombie movie and people get turned into zombies by being bitten, wear a wide leather collar with spikes on it around your neck, and improvise armor from whatever you have lying around, such as athletic gear. Especially guard your calves, zombies like to hide under things and then bite exposed legs. Just don't leave any more skin exposed than is absolutely necessary.

[StarscreamTheWaffle]

An addition to Jeanette's rule: DON'T, I REPEAT, DON'T TAKE THE OFFER OF BECOMING A ZOMBIE WITH A MIND! FALLOUT HAS TAUGHT ME THAT!!!