Need bad advice

[Perndog]

Only this forum can provide the help I need. I trust you guys to steer me in the right direction.

My "summer fling girl" from six years ago just moved back to town (if you remember the comic saga, you know this means I dug her up again). She's still hot and single. What do I need to do to get her back into my bed instead of just turning into friends?

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

Alcohol

[Perndog]

She doesn't drink much. :<

[MLE]

Find out what will make her think you're prince charming for, like, a week. That should be long enough to break her defenses down enough.

[Esuohlim]

Lay your cards out on the table RIGHT THEN AND THERE.

Also, an elaborate rube goldberg device will also work to get her into a bed

[MLE]

The more honest she thinks you're being, the better. SURVIVOR STYLE.

[bigtimecow]

tell her your grandma died for sympathy points :survivorstyle

[Esuohlim]

I suggest a system of pulleys and kind of work backwards from there

[MLE]

More girls are into that kinky shit than you think. It could work.

[Tadao]

Bonerhugs

[executioneer]

do a charm person spell

[spookware]

One word

"Rohypnol"

That's all a man ever needs.

[executioneer]

gosh

i can already tell i'm gonna

"love"

reading all your posts

[Pentegarn]

I suggest clubbing her over the head and dragging her by the hair back to your home.

A tried and true method that has worked for centuries.

[Perndog]

Lay your cards out on the table RIGHT THEN AND THERE.She's actually pretty good with bluntness, and I considered this just so I wouldn't have to spend any time writhing in uncertainty. Probably only good as a last resort though.

Also, willie, I did a spell, but I can't just rely on magic alone to solve everything now can I?

[Dimnos]

Might I suggest trying whatever it is you did to get into her pants the first time. If it worked once it will probably work again. If it aint broke dont fix it.

[spookware]

Think you could possible stalk her, put a tracking device in her car, tap here phone get all the info you can then hit her up for a facebook fuck.

[Sam]

HAVING A BIGGER DICK THEN YOU HAD BEFORE WOULD BE A START.

[Pentegarn]

OR DELIVER A PIZZA! WOMEN FUCK GUYS DELIVERING LARGE SAUSAGE PIZZAS I AM TOLD!

[Dimnos]

Buy some tight wrangler jeans and a big summer sausage. ;)

[Perndog]

As requested, you have delivered bad (and surprisingly good) advice. According to tradition, I will repay you with an obssessively analytical update with no significant progress. I'm really not stressed about the situation so I can't give you nerdly unrequited-love agony, but maybe someone will find the ongoing story amusing.

Tight jeans are go. I'm 25 pounds lighter than I was in college. Just 7-10 more pounds to go before my six-pack shows so I can feel great about going shirtless on stage next month.

We met up at 1:00 this morning with three other people and drove an hour and a half out of town to lie in a football field and drink wine and watch the meteor shower. She made a bunch of oblique references to our history of making out until dawn, which makes me think she's interested but doesn't want to be too forward. I mentioned to her the other day that I remembered we used to say awful things like dead baby jokes while we were making out, and last night out of the blue she says to everyone, "hey, I remembered a couple of dead baby jokes." How could you not love this woman?

I didn't want to do anything overt while surrounded by people I barely knew, but we spent most of the evening lying close together, comfortably with no awkwardness. Plenty of casual contact but no really unambiguous communication.

We realized late that we'd picked the wrong night for the peak of the meteor shower, so we're doing the same thing tonight but not driving quite so far. Then probably going out tomorrow afternoon too.

[Dimnos]

YOU WIN! :)

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

Pern dude, where the fly blue shirt.

[Babs]

GHB and a ball-peen hammer.

[MLE]

Update prz.

[Tadao]

PUT AN EXTRA LARGE RUBBER IN YOUR WALLET AND HAVE IT FALL OUT WHEN YOU BUY SOMETHING. MAYBE SHE'LL THINK IT GOT BIGGER SINCE YOU LAST SCREWED HER AND SHE'LL WANNA KNOW JUST HOW BIG IT GOT.

[Sam]

I DROPPED THIS MAGNUM CONDOM FOR MY MONSTER DONG.

[executioneer]

Update prz.
I don't want to read any updates >:

[MLE]

>: I can't infract you for disagreeing since you're a step up on the mod ladder.

[executioneer]

i cant infract me either :(

[kahljorn]

ONE TIME WHEN MY GIRLFRIEND WAS BUYINg CONDOMS (MAGNUMS) THE GIRL LOOKED AT THE CONDOMS THEN LOOKED AT ME THEN SHYLY LOOKED DOWN AgAIN AND FINALLY PROCEEDED TO SCAN THE CONDOMS

I LIKE TO THINK IT WAS BECAUSE SHE WAS THINKING OF MY HUGE COCK

I SHOULD TOTALLY GO BACK THERE AND BE LIKE, "REMEMBER ME? I BOUGHT SOME REALLY BIG CONDOMS"

[Sam]

I BOUGHT SOME MONSTER CONDOMS FOR MY MAGNUM DONG.

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

MAGNUMS FOR DIRTY HARRY.

[Perndog]

Because MLE asked, and because the genuine angst has arrived like you knew it would:

We didn't go out the following night because we were all way tired from staying up so late the first time. I called her a couple of days later to make plans for Sunday and she was fairly enthusiastic about it. The idea was to meet by my place at and walk to a club where some of my friends were performing.

No call, no show. I left a message then 15 minutes later sent a text. Headed to the club by myself, then after a half hour she finally called back and said "I just remembered we had plans tonight. I've been on the phone for the past hour with my sister, she's going through a bad breakup. If you'll still be there for a while, I can still come meet you." Ok, better late than never.

After another five minutes, she sends a text, "Are you depending on me for anything tonight - company, a ride? I'm really tired but could rally if you need." Obviously I said no, that's ok, we'll go out another time, give me a call one of these days.

Waited three days, kicking myself for not just saying that I would call her. Finally did call her this afternoon cause I have a show opening tomorrow and wanted to invite her. Left message in the afternoon, asked her to call back this evening after I got home. No call back. Tried again a little bit ago, no answer. Not sure if I should leave another message or text or what. The first time I called her a couple weeks ago, it took her five days to check her voice mail, so I don't know if she's even aware I tried to reach her.

I'm so frustrated because all of the signs she's given me when we've actually spoken have been good. It's only this telephone silence that's eating at me, not being able to reach her or having any idea why she's not calling back. She shouldn't have any reason to be avoiding me.

So, quick, advice. Text tonight before bedtime, or wait until tomorrow and try again? Does it even matter?

Edit: fuck it, I sent a text. I've done all I can now. I just need to figure out some way to stop being so damn frustrated about this because it's not as big a deal as it feels like.

Edit 2: Ok, I feel better. All it takes is thinking about other women instead.

[Tadao]

She probably has many suitors right now, you'll have to do something manly like wrestle a bear.

[Sam]

OR WRESTLE ME.

[MLE]

http://www.popnko.com/Emily/MLEapproved.jpg

[Dimnos]

You should back off bro. Calling and texting so much can be a big turn off. :\ The ball in clearly in her court. Either she will call or she wont but leaving a bunch of messages and texts isnt going to change anything except maybe annoy her and make you sound desperate.

[Tadao]

No way. Hunt her down with all your skills. Some other guy is trying harder than you right now.

[Chojin]

keep in mind that all women are whores and go into withdrawal if not administered a hot dicking every 24 hours. she probably is just having difficulty fitting you into her schedule of getting railed by entire football teams.

[Chojin]

back me up here ladies

[elx]

why are you calling/texting/etc if it's not working?! seriously, grow a pair and go see the girl for real.

[Colonel Flagg]

Yes, much better to include real in addition to electronic stalking.

There are other fish out there, dude.

[Perndog]

Fuck you guys. I know I posted in an unhappy state of mind and I did my best to sound adequately retarded. But one voice mail, one unanswered phone call eight hours later, and one text message (when the recipient is questionable about checking voice mail) do not add up to stalking.

She called back today and left me a message. Everything is cool and she wants to hang out next week.

[Tadao]

To hand to a restraining order

[Sam]

SHE WANTS YOU TO BABY-SIT HER CHILD.

[Pentegarn]

Fuck you guys.

OK, I figured it out.

Here's what you have done wrong; instead of trying to fuck her, you are trying to fuck us instead. Rally up, stop engaging us in sexual relations and plow that lady's bean field! How else are you ever going to work on her sex farm?

[Dimnos]

Fuck her sister before next week. If she doesnt have one go for the best friend.

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

Fuck you guys. I know I posted in an unhappy state of mind and I did my best to sound adequately retarded. But one voice mail, one unanswered phone call eight hours later, and one text message (when the recipient is questionable about checking voice mail) do not add up to stalking.

She called back today and left me a message. Everything is cool and she wants to hang out next week.

To be honest you should blow her off next week. Maybe a day before you're supposed to hang out. I know its now what you'd like to do. That way it'll put you more in control and it won't give her a chance to blow you off.

[Tadao]

DON'T DO IT! SHE IS GOING THROUGH A ROUGH PATCH AND NEEDS YOUR CONSTANT HAND HOLDING!

[LordSappington]

FAKE AN INJURY. WOMEN LOVE PATHETIC, NEEDY MEN

[Tadao]

HE ALREADY HAS THAT. A HEART ACHE!

[Perndog]

Final update: I win ;)

[Sam]

DID YOU PLOW HER?

[Spetsnaz]

Pics.

[AChimp]

I feel another comic welling up inside me.

[Supafly345]

CHIMPLOSION -from my dik