A Wild Joke Thread Has Appeared!

[MattJack]

Heard any good jokes? Bad jokes? I always hear jokes at the bar, and so I figure a lot of others hear them from uncles/barflies/dads. Post the good, the bad, and the homely.

What do you call Magic Johnson in a wheelchair?

Rollaids.

Two Irishmen walk past a bar.

Seriously, they just walk past.

What's the difference in an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

One less drunk.

Why do Scotts wear kilts?

Cause sheep can hear zippers.

How many police does it take to arrest a Mexican?

Five. One to cuff him and four to pick up the oranges.

What was Helen Keller's favorite color?

Wool.

How long does it take to cook a baby?

I don't know, I was too busy jacking off.

: priceisrightfailsound :

[10,000 Volt Ghost]

son a bitch about the irish wedding.

What do you call an attorney in a wheelchair.

A parapalegal.

If I had two spare hours I would type out the Million green golfball joke. I've told it verbally from anywhere between 1 hour to 3 hours.

[Grislygus]

What do you call a one eyed, one legged, inspiringly handi-capable Scottish child in England?




"Abandoned."


What do you call a one eyed, one legged, inspiringly handi-capable English child in Scotland?




"Completely fucked."

[Otto]

Not really a joke, and more soul crushingly depressing and racist than not funny, but here goes:

I have an estranged, EXTREMELY racist uncle that I only used to see at family get togethers (My dad's side of the family used to have a cookout for every holiday) who used to have a Boston Terrier named Earl that he taught to perform an unusual trick:

He would get the dog's attention and ask him "Earl, what would you do if you were black?" which would cause Earl to roll over on his back and play dead.

Needless to say that he and the rest of the racist fucks in the family thought it was the funniest thing ever. Then around 1999 he got arrested for drinking too much and going home where he emptied a revolver into Earl's face and tied to pistol whip his wife to death with the empty gun. As far as I know his wife is still living in a battered women's shelter because he threatened to "finish the job" once he got out of prison and he hasn't been heard from or seen since he got arrested.

[Grislygus]

What's the native word for baby in Northern England?


"Punching bag"

[MattJack]

A guy is walking on the beach and he comes across a woman with no arms or legs. She's crying.

"What's wrong?"

She says she's never been touched by a man and continues crying.

He feels pretty bad, so he gives her a strong hug, but she continues crying. He asks why she's still crying.

"I've never been kissed by a man."

Feeling worse, he decides to give her a passionate kiss. Afterward, she's still sobbing, so he asks what is the matter.

"I've, I've never been fucked by a man."

He picks her up and throws her into the ocean, then yells "There ya go, now you're fucked."

[MattJack]

What was Helen Keller's dog's name?

GEEERRRHHHHH

[executioneer]

what's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies

you're fired from your job driving trucks, that's what. AND i'm calling the cops

[MattJack]

A man's fairy tale:

An regular guy asks the girl he's adored for years out. She replies "NO!"

He rode his motorcycle off into the sunset, fucking random women he met, raced cars, went to any titty bar he wanted, hunted wild animals with a bow and arrow while shirtless, drank whiskey daily, never paid child support, landed his dream job as a hunting guide in the Savannah, kept his house, never got cheated on, spent all of his free time with his friends playing video games, his entire family thought he was cool as hell, didn't give up smoking, had way too much money in his bank account, and the whole time he never put down the toilet seat.

He lived happily ever after, the end.

[Esuohlim]

What has 88 balls and fucks grandmas? :eek

Bingo

[Babs]

I hit trees harder than sonny bono. http://thmg.photobucket.com/albums/v289/niemoller/emoticons/th_smoking-smiley-5417.gif

[MattJack]

I'm having sex with my girl and things start getting pretty rough. She's liking all of it though, so I decide that I'm going to up the ante. When she least expects it I put it up her ass.

She turns and says "Don't you think that's a bit presumptuous?"

I look at her and say "Don't you think presumptuous is a big word for an eight year old?"

[Babs]

One day I'm fucking my girlfriend and she makes a comment about the size of my dick. "I didn't know they made condoms for baby dicks, maybe that's why you have to go raw!".

A minute goes by and she states, "well I see you don't have anything to say after that..."

I bust my load right on her back a split second later and say, "How's that for a cum back."

[Grislygus]

what was the last thing to go through kurt kobain's mind




his teeth

[Esuohlim]

Sometimes the setup of a joke is so much better than the punchline that the punchline ruins it and is better left unsaid.

"Did you hear about the nuclear reactor explosion in the town full of gays?"

[Grislygus]

They were balls-deep with critical rod malfunctions

[Mad Melvin]

Why was there two rice grains next to an ethiopians bed?

- He was throwing up all night.

:(

[Pram Maven]

Customer: "whew, I just got off work"

Me: "really? Do you get to stand on concrete all day too?"

Customer: "yeah, I work for a plumbing company. Have to stand up all day...We don't get any chairs to sit on"

Me: "oh...the pipes are too high?"

[Otto]

Poster on an internet message board: "I am a huge crybaby that takes the internet way too seriously and can't seem to stop hanging around even though everyone makes a point of reminding me how much they don't want me around. Also I hate spics!"

Other posters: "Hi, Pram Maven!"

[Pram Maven]

Otto: "If I saw it on the internet, it must be true! Also, time for my de-lousing."

[The Leader]

Me: "oh...the pipes are too high?"
That doesn't make sense.

[mew barios]

do you live in some sitcom universe where the only function of a plumber is to stare under a sink? your fictional exchange is highly offensive.

[Chojin]

now he hates the working class too. we shouldn't be surprised at this point.

[Grislygus]

what the hell even WAS that, that wasn't a joke



Whatever. A Californian, A Midwesterner, and a New Yorker are chained to a wall by a serial killer. The serial killer walks and speaks.

"Well, I made a small mistake with one of you, and the police are going to find out who I am. It'll be too late for you, however; I'm going to kill you, skin you, tan your hides, and sew them into a goddamn tablecloth."

He pauses to let this sink in, before lighting a cigarette and lazily telling them that they are allowed to choose the method in which they die.

The Californian begins to scream and panic, and the serial killer lose patience and slits his throat, careful not to get below the neckline. The Midwesterner angrily tells the killer just to shoot him, so the killer deftly puts a bullet between his eyes, and turns to the New Yorker.

"How about it? You want a bullet too?"

The New Yorker looks at his chained leg, then back at the killer.

"I want a fork."

"A what?"

"A fork. Call it a last request."

Intrigued, the killer leaves the room and returns with a fork, which he tosses to the New Yorker. The New Yorker grabs the fork and looks at it.

Suddenly he starts stabbing himself with the fork repeatedly and violently, hundreds of times in quick succession, all over his body in a frenzy. The killer takes a step back and screams at him,

"What the fuck are you doing?!!"

The New Yorker, now completely covered by blood and holes, throws the fork at him.

"THERE GOES YOUR TABLECLOTH, SHITHEAD"

[Pentegarn]

I got a charge out of that joke of yours Gus

[captain516]

what's it like being gangraped by the beatles?
your mother should know.

[Pentegarn]

A man and his wife are golfing and he tees off on the 9th hole. His shot flies down the fairway and into an abandoned shack.

Man: Shit, now what am I going to do?

Wife: Just play through, it's obvious nobody lives there

Man: OK

So the man pulls out his pitching wedge and aims his shot out the window. He shanks it and the ball bounces off the wall, hitting the man's wife in the head killing her instantly. The man remarries and a couple years later takes his new wife golfing with him at the same course. He gets to the 9th hole and tees off hitting the ball into the exact same abandoned shack.

Man: Shit, now what am I going to do?

Wife: Just play through, it's obvious nobody lives there

Man: No way! Last time I did that I got a triple bogey.

[executioneer]

grislygus i'd heard that joke before but it was with a tribe of cannibals and they were gonna make a canoe out of the skin and the guy said "I HOPE YOUR F*CKIN CANOE SINKS"

[ThrashO]

How many babies does it take to paint a house?

depends how hard you throw them.

How many mexicans can you string up from an apple tree before it falls over?

Ask Pram Maven.

[Grislygus]

grislygus i'd heard that joke before but it was with a tribe of cannibals and they were gonna make a canoe out of the skin and the guy said "I HOPE YOUR F*CKIN CANOE SINKS"

FUCK I just googled that and you're right :(

[executioneer]

it's not like that invalidates your joke or anything though :/

[Grislygus]

You can't FIND my version on google, that means the one I heard is a cheap knockoff, and I like it better :/

[executioneer]

yours is more up-to-date because there's barely any cannibals anymore

[Pentegarn]

An old classic:

A guy walks into a bar and pulls out a tiny piano and a tiny pianist

Bartender: That's amazing! Where'd you get that?

Man: I came upon a magic beer can walking along the beach, when I picked it up, this genie came out of it and told me he would grant me one wish.

Bartender: Do you still have that beer can?

Man: No I left it where I found it

The man tells the bartender where the beer can is and the bartender tracks it down, when he finds it, he asks the genie for a million bucks, the next day the man comes back into the bar.

Bartender: What was up with that genie anyway? I asked it for a million bucks and when I got home there was a million ducks in my house.

Man: Do you really think I asked the genie for a 12 inch pianist?

[Chojin]

How many mexicans can you string up from an apple tree before it falls over?

Ask Pram Maven.

i lold :<

[sspadowsky]

So this guy gets a phone call, and learns he needs to get to the hospital because his wife has been in a terrible car crash.

When he arrives, a grim-faced doctor sits him down and explains the situation:

"Sir, your wife has suffered severe head and spinal trauma. She is going to be paralyzed from the neck down and quasi-catatonic. You will have to feed her, bathe her, change her diapers and catheters, and basically tend to her every physical need for the rest of her life."

The man bursts into uncontrollable sobs.

The doctor chuckles, claps him on the shoulder, and says, "Hey, relax; I'm just fucking with you. She's dead."