My 'Set"

[mburbank]

The wife and I decided yesterday that we are going to become alchoholics, but of the classy variety. Champagne, Sherry, Port, witty urbane cutting conversation, Algonquin Round Table, Dashiel Hammet, The Fitzgeralds, that sort of thing.

It's going to cut into my time laying against the dumpster behind the seven eleven trying to get the oldets looking high school students to buy me Malt Liquor, but hell, you have to have goals.

[Buffalo Tom]

After sharing a libation, you could then run around solving crimes in the upper New York social circles, a la Nick and Nora Charles in 'The Thin Man' series.

[MrAdventure]

I don't want to hear anything other than healthy, nervous laughter and statements confined to a nature of marital reassurance.

Make sure you put some emphasis on the dramatic sipping, swirl the contents of your glass, and make a few more promises than normal.

[mburbank]

You guys totally get the picture.

For those of you who saw my comedy show, we once did a sketch set in the late 1920's about a rich alcholholic couple who do a daily live radio broadcast over breakfast from their penthouse overlooking central park. (I was the husband, Chistin Fistissibilt) They start out violently hungover yet urbane and as they work through liquid breakfast become more and more inebriatted. Scott played a crooner they had on the show who sang a number called "Depression Blues" (well they're not here to stay) which featured lines like

"Who has time for deadlines
Standin' in the Breadlines"

Around the time my characters vocie has bcome slurred to the point where you can't understand it at all, Happy spoon bursts in as a robin hood type bandit, ends up killing me and now wealthy abandons his cause of fighting for the poor and goes out on the town with my widow.

[MrAdventure]

MAX BURBANK WHO?

CAN'T SAY I'VE SEEN HIS SHOWS, NOPE.

I'LL HAVE TO SOCCER MOM MY WAY TO THE EAST COST ONE OF THESE DAYS.

[Protoclown]

HAPPY SPOON :)

[mburbank]

Unfortunately, my group "The Other White Meats" shows are very sporadic and in fact we never know if there will be another. A Number of I-mockery show got to see a hastily assembled underrehearsed program in NYC last year. Far more likely are chances to see things I've directed (not always my kind o' humor) and/or things I've written. I always keep folks posted.

Unfortunately, regular performances of this kind of comedy require a dedication that is characterized by a lack of employment, spouses, children, mortgages, etc.

[kellychaos]

It's going to cut into my time laying against the dumpster behind the seven eleven trying to get the oldets looking high school students to buy me Malt Liquor, but hell, you have to have goals.

Well, that certainly explains how Sam Spade always had a pint of whiskey in his desk drawer when he seldom had cases but it fails to explain how he was able to be attractive to the ladies in a raincoat popular at soup kitchens with newspaper stuffed in the shoes.

[george]

i have come to the conclusion that KellyChaos is not my kind of person.

[mburbank]

Hell, I'd do Humphrey Bogart and I'm hardly gay at all.

[kellychaos]

i have come to the conclusion that KellyChaos is not my kind of person.

And I was SO looking forward to your approval :rolleyes

[george]

HA HA HA, that makes it even sweeter that you wont get it!!

LOSER!!!

[FS]

But who could dislike a person with such a jaunty tagline as "In cyberspace ... no one can hear you scream."?

[glowbelly]

ooOOOoooh oooOOOooh!! ME ME!!!

[kellychaos]

ooOOOoooh oooOOOooh!! ME ME!!!

Don't let them influence you. After all, FS has pitched a tent in his pants so tall and rigid that he felt the need to quote my tagline. I think that he has a secret crush on me. ;) :love

[glowbelly]

this isn't kindergarten, sweety. when someone makes fun of you here, it's not because they wanna marry you out on the playground later. it's because they don't like you.

just a tip.

;)

[MrAdventure]

DOESN'T KELLYCHAOS HAVE A PENIS? :eek :eek

LOL I MEAN, MIGHT IT BE POSSIBLE, PRAYTELL, THAT KELLYCHAOS PERCHANCE HAVETH A WEE WEE BY THE GODS?

[FS]

this isn't kindergarten, sweety. when someone makes fun of you here, it's not because they wanna marry you out on the playground later. it's because they don't like you.

just a tip.

;)

...now now, let's not be hasty. I'd be more than willing to tear out her intestines while screaming obscenities in her face if it'd make her feel like I adore her.

[george]

and watching you do it WOULD give me a hard on.

[Ninjavenom]

...now now, let's not be hasty. I'd be more than willing to tear out her intestines while screaming obscenities in her face if it'd make her feel like I adore her.


:love

[FS]

:helm

[Anonymous]

But who could dislike a person with such a jaunty tagline as "In cyberspace ... no one can hear you scream."?

IN CYBERSPACE ... NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU LOL

[mburbank]

I'm sorry, your alll going to have to be a bit more drunk and a whole lot more erudite to be in my set. I'm looking for bitting yet witty banter that can be maintained up to the point of near death by alchohol poisoning, but it should only show in that you squint more as the day goes on.

[FS]

I DON'T NEED YOU TO. I don't. I don't need you to shtell me whatza do. borbink. whahhh. fwehhhh haw waww gweh yeh. hawwww.

*thump*

[mburbank]

That made me laugh, but it's not the sort of thing that will 'go' in our set.

Here's a thought, though. I think William Burroughs and his 'set' started with goals similar to mine. It ended with him accidentally blowing his wifes brain out followed by years of heroin addiction and homosexuality.


Hmmmmmm. Food for thought.

[kellychaos]

this isn't kindergarten, sweety. when someone makes fun of you here, it's not because they wanna marry you out on the playground later. it's because they don't like you.

just a tip.

;)

Hmmm ... tip taken but consider the source. Not everyone can be as mature as you and I. A superfluous tip to FS: pulling on my pigtails ain't going to get you any closer to Spooneyville because, as MrAdventure duly noted, I am of the weewee possessing variety with "exit only" signs posted. Just sayin' :bow

[FS]

Max, would it help if I laughed obnoxiously hard at my own jokes and persisted in trying to get everyone to 'swing'?

Kelly, I think you'll be happy to know I make no distinction in gender when it comes to eviscerating people while calling them names, if it makes them feel 'special'.

[kellychaos]

Kelly, I think you'll be happy to know I make no distinction in gender when it comes to eviscerating people while calling them names, if it makes them feel 'special'.

Follow that up by eating my sphincter and your a shoe-in for "Fear Factor" :yum ... assuming you can get past that sticky little requirement to be able to do at least one pull-up. :blah

[FS]

This is going to ruin the thread if we keep it up for too long. I'll close with "Ack! A crack at my physical condition! How justly aimed!" and have another brandy.

I don't actually drink brandy. But if I were an alcoholic married couple, I would.

[FartinMowler]

"I came home to find Mona my wife of 30 years laying on the $4000 Indian carpet. I knelt down and Mona lifted up her head and spoke with a smell of semen and Dom and had the nerve to tell me she was leaving me. I took out my keys to my Rolls and stabbed her over and over but she was too fat and I just rolled her off the carpet, took the carpet and left.

[mburbank]

Mentioning a costly carpet and Dom does not mean you get what I'm talking about at all. In fact, it only shows just how little you understand what I'm talking about here.

It was refreshing though, to see you get through a whole post without talking about farting in a bathtub.

[FartinMowler]

Whats funny about sluring rich people? Write something funnier than mine.

[mburbank]

Go to the Vissionary Darkness section and read anything by me.

I do not see how someone who's favorite movie is Brazil could find anything in your post even remotely amusing.

[FartinMowler]

summer fun is my favorite. Brazil has a very good poopy joke in it. Robert De niro and Oh and I just wanted an example of what you are trying to explainhttp://www.trond.com/brazil/images/t_41.jpg[/list]

[mburbank]

The gratuitous semen smell, marginally motivated and zestless violence and unintegrated fat joke kind of spoiled it.

I should be nice and say I appreciatted the effort, but I'm still iritated by the manner in which you lept upon this board.

I've got nothing against a good 'potty' joke, but it has to be very good to rise out of the bowl.

[FartinMowler]

I wasn't looking for a critique. bla bla bla bla enough about me. I will speak slooowly this time. Can you provide an example of what you where trying to esplane? Keep saying I am dumb and you can't even provide a simple example.

[george]

can anyone tell me what the joke here is?

cause Fartin said something very funny.

[sadie]

:loo

shit. i should've saved that url so i could be leeching off chojin. :(

[Anonymous]

http://www.popndeth.com/imock/loo.gif

I'll clean it up later tonight so it can be a real emoticon :(

[george]

Keep saying I am dumb and you can't even provide a simple example.

BRAVO FARTIN!! BRAVO!!!

[sadie]

cool. :P

[mburbank]

I despair.

Fartin.

This entire thread is meant to be humorous. I am not becoming an alchaholic, or establishing a 1920's style 'set'.

IN THIS THREAD I've given examples. I haven't the time or inclination to craft a piece solely for you. If I'd meant this to be an essay instead of a thro away, I'd have written it and sent it to Mock to publish in the Vissionary Darkness section.

This board is an adjunct to a site. I write for that site. The description of the sketch earlier in this thread is about as close as I'm going to get right now. I had thought about writting a piece, but the prospective pleasure has been utterly leeched via this conversation.

Should anyone wish to hire me to write this or anything at all, even 'farting in bathtub' jokes, I am of course for sale at rates a whore would turn up his or her nose at. My children are hungry.

[Anonymous]

I will give you $5 to write me a hilarious illustrated story about DDR :(

[Anonymous]

On that note, I think we should all pool money monthly or something to get Max to write us hilarious illustrated stories :(

It'd be like a NEWSLETTER :o

[FS]

"THE MAX BURBANK EXPERIENCE".

[mburbank]

The money for script I am currently writting for the museum is ear marked for plumbing repairs. Does that give you some hint as to the glamorous art life I'm living?

Henry Miller used to write semi-literate porn for a private collector, 1$ American per page. This was in the 1920's.

I ain't no Henry Miller, but there's still been a lot of inflation since then. $10.00 bucks a page and I'll write anybody anything. No rewrites, though.


And no kissing.

[sadie]

:(

[mburbank]

Don't let it bring you down
It's only castles burning
now find someone who's turning
and you will come around


or, alternately

Here we go lopp-de-loo
Here we go loop-de-lah
Here we go loop-de-loop
All on a Saturday night.