View Full Version : Emu's Fantastic Review of the Christy Movie

Feb 29th, 2004, 01:00 PM
A few weeks ago, when I first heard about this movie, I was actually a little excited. I thought "Hey, maybe we're finally going to get a movie that accurately depicts the life of Jesus without all the awkward cameos from well known stars." I may be an atheist, but I adore mythological studies, and I thought a movie about Jesus might be enlightening. I hadn't much looked into it, though, and it wasn't until just before I saw the movie that I heard anything about the content of it. I had assumed it would be one of those epic-in-the-making movies that would depict the highlights of Jesus' life all the way up to the crucifiction, a movie trying to send Jesus' message of peace to the batshit insane mother fuckers who like to blow up abortion clinics.

Well, y'know, I was wrong.

I walked into the movie the other night wondering what kind of affect it would have on the people who watched it. I wondered if it would convert any of the fringe believers into a more rigid Christianity. After having seen it, I figure it probably had the opposite effect of what it had been intended to.

The Pros:

-The movie's music was fantastic. It was powerful, but not overbearing, and it fit the mood very well. It was soft when it was supposed to be, dramatic when it was appropriate. I enjoyed that a lot.

-The entire movie was spoken in Latin and another language I can't remember how to spell at the moment. I thought this was a nice touch.
It added a feel of authenticity to the movie, like you were really there watching it.

-Even though nobody spoke English, the acting was superb. The guy who played Jesus whose name I can't remember really made me believe it.

-Like I said earlier, there were no awkward cameos from well-known American stars. Coupled with the absence of the English language, it gave the movie more a sense of authenticity.

I'd've rated this movie a lot higher if not for

The Cons:

-Satan. Not only was he portrayed creepy as hell(as he should be) but it was so insanely inappropriate that he was there as much as he was. I think the fact that he was there at all further cheapened the message the movie didn't have. It was like he was just there to add to the shock value that Mel is so fond of.

-I know Jesus' punishment was brutal. I know it wasn't exactly comparable to skipping through a field of flowers. But sweet bacteria of Liberia there was a lot of blood in this movie. A lot. Too much. The only thing I walked out of the theater believing was that Mel had seen too many of his own movies, and had a lot of blood paint sitting around he needed to get rid of. The only message the movie seemed to have was that Jesus got the shit beat out of him ten times over.

-Usually movies like this tend to have some kind of message. Y'know, love your fellow man, don't bathe while making toast, things like that. I thought the movie would try to say something about some of the food things Jesus did instead of giving me two hours of sadistic brutality. I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of Christians took this as an insult to the memory of Jesus. I would've.

-People will tell you this movie's not anti-semitic. Well, I'm sorry, folks, it is. Nearly every Jew in the movie who doesn't sympathize with Jesus is hook nosed, and all of the high priests are nearly dripping with gold and gems. They're also all pretty damn bloodthirsty, considering they watched Jesus get whipped with a smug satisfaction that would've made me want to punch anyone, and still wanted him crucified.

-The movie took a ninety degree nosedive the second Cassius stabbed Jesus with the Spear of Destiny. You'd think they'd've spent a little more here to make it a little more vivid looking, being a crucial moment in the movie, but I guess Mel just kind of got sick of the movie here and stopped spending on special effects. When the spear pierced him, it looked reminded me of National Lampoon's Christmas movie where Clark tries to cut the overcooked turkey and it explodes. From here on the movie kind of got silly. They showed Satan falling to his knees and screaming in the absolute cheapest interpretation of Hell I've ever seen, and the extent of the special effects from here on out was a shaking camera.

-The Resurrection. Mel skips a lot of details here. I can sum it up in a few words: There's a funny golden light, then a deflating white blanket, Jesus stands up, smiles, and walks out. That's it.

Basically, this movie did nothing but make a lot of people cry and probably made a lot of people hate the Jews a lot more. Except for a few of the visuals and the music, the movie was overall disappointing, but at the same time a little better than I expected in some respects. If you wanna watch Jesus get the shit beat out of him and not learn anything from it except that Mel has about as much sympathy for Jesus as he does for all the people Rambo killed, go see it.

Feb 29th, 2004, 01:29 PM
If you liked this thread, you'll love the other two about the same movie.