A while back I-mockery was kind enough to gift me with the power of GYMKATA, thanks to the efforts of a heroic Secret Service Flag Ninja. Since the only way to watch this movie safely is to be blisteringly drunk or be RoG (which I imagine is pretty much the same thing), I and a brave team assembled for:


We weren't expecting to return. Considering this is a film based entirely on the concept of a man using unnecessary gymnastics to attack ninjas with flags, it seems this would be pretty brutal - luckily the makers weren't just bad but utterly inept, managing to fumble even the small retarded germ of an idea they had, so most of the drinking isn't forced by the rules but self-medication to endure the horrors in store. (Note: For the purposes of this game we suppress the fact that all male gymnastics are utterly unnecessary. This leads to the unusual situation of arguing about when gymnastics are justified, like the opening credits. Some might argue that Kurt Thomas spinning around a pole is pointless - but this is an olympic gold medallist athlete in a sports competition environment: it's the only time in his life he isn't pointless, so we let it slide.)

We watched, we laughed, we drank, and in best tradition of truly terrible 80s products, in the last few minutes we realised we had learned a few things:

1. Drinking can dangerously impair your judgement.

As the movie progressed I found myself more and more enamored with the princess, despite the fact that she spends most of her screentime looking like this:


Truly, I never knew how badly alcohol could skew your perception. I now live in fear that many of the warm memories of my youth were in fact encounters with creatures from the black lagoon. On the other hand, any girl who can fit in a catsuit and do this:


pretty much has my eternal servitude.

2. Pity the Japanese dude.


You have to feel bad for that guy. He cares, he's here to win, and he only now realises that he's trained his whole life for the international equivalent of an open mic night. At seven years old he stabbed his only friend through the eye with a blunt pencil for the honour of representing his homeland, he honed his body against samurai living upside down in a monastery made entirely of sharpened steel, and who are his opponents?


Two guys who clearly got lost on the way to a golf course. They're politely waiting for someone to take them back to the tour group and the savage Parmistan people are feeding them to this 'Game' meat grinder.


Whoever entered that guy on the left is just saving themselves from having to pay out the pension. By the way, that's how the other contestants look to us; to Mr Killomoto they look like this:


You get that vibe every second he's on screen - if he's looking it you, he's working out how to kill you. Then a more sadistic way to kill you if he has time.

3. This movie is ripe for a remake. Think about it:

• So many recent remakes have been criticised for ruining the original. That isn't a risk!
• They actually managed to waste the one and only premise of the film - "The Game", which is built up, "The Game" which is the point of the whole movie, "The Game" which they only actually get to after a full hour of fucking around and then burn through horrifically wastefully. I had to watch "The Running Man" immediately after just to reassure myself that sometimes even the dumbest and simplest action movie director knows when they're on to a good thing. (Note: they do!)
• Some seriously powerful people want the remake made. President Bush is reinstating the Star Wars system and Putin has threatened Cold War in response. When both east and west are prepared to risk the entire planet just to make the Gymkata premise viable again, I think we should really take the chance.

With just a few simple improvements this remake can be the stuff of legend:

1. The star should be a female gymnast. This is, after all, the modern world and we can leave past stereotypes behind. Also female gymnastics are 100% less pointless than male.
2. The love interest should remain female. This is, after all, the modern world and we can leave past stereotypes behind. Also if we're going to make a movie about a female gymnast kicking ninjas in the face, we might as well crank the "Exploitometer" up to eleven. Also: catsuits.
3. Sean Connery. The King of Parmistan spends most of the movie looking like he just wandered off a slapstick comedy onto the set, but in his final few minutes he demolishes ninjas using the Force (they go flying half an hour before his sword gets anywhere near them). then starts a revolution by running outside and shouting "Peasants! Right now, kill the ninja overlords who have been law and order your entire lives!". And they do it! That's power, that right there is a goddamn ruler. No polls or votes or deals with the majority - this man is king because he can command farmers to kill trained assassins with three seconds warning. Connery would love a part like that; he's old enough to realise it's pretty much over, more money won't do him any good, so it's time for fun! An hour of bumbling tomfoolery followed by two scenes of bloody murder - and if that isn't enough, promise him Catherine Zeta Jones again. (If he did Entrapment for her he'll do pretty much anything).
4. More Japanese dude. That guys going to have twenty minutes of screen time and a different martial arts styel for every one. It will rule, until the princess kicks him in the face wearing her Hyper Ultra PVC Catsuit.

Overall this movie comes in slightly drunker than "The Running Man" drinking game (every time someone is killed and every one liner) but much less than the Evil Dead II / III drinking game (a slug every time Bruce Campbell takes a blow to the head - You might not think it's much but after trying it you'll wonder how Mr Campbell has avoided brain damage after more cranial trauma than Rocky after a headbutting competition with a mirror).

Now: List your own suggestions for Gymkata II: The Gymkating!