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Aug 21st, 2008 04:25 PM
Fathom Zero
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dimnos View Post
Who is there?
SCRITTI POLITTI
Aug 21st, 2008 04:24 PM
Dimnos NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch - he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."
Aug 21st, 2008 04:23 PM
Dimnos Who is there?
Aug 21st, 2008 04:22 PM
Fathom Zero KNOCK KNOCK
Aug 21st, 2008 04:04 PM
Dimnos An Englishman, a French guy and an American are exploring Africa, when they're attacked by cannibals. The cannibal chief says, 'Well, we're gonna eat your flesh and use your skin for canoes. Tough luck, eh? But you can choose the way you are going to die.'

The Englishman goes, 'May I have a revolver?'

When he gets it, he blows his brains out, saying, 'God save the queen!'

The French guy says, 'I vill take ze poizon.'

He gulps it down and says, 'Vive le France!' and dies.

The American says, 'Gimme a fork!'

The chief hands him one, and the guy pokes himself all over his skin with it, and shouts, 'That's what I think of your fucking canoe!'
Aug 19th, 2008 08:45 PM
bigtimecow Q: how many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: some obscure number you've probably never heard of
Aug 18th, 2008 07:02 PM
10,000 Volt Ghost
Aug 18th, 2008 04:46 PM
Dimnos A team of archeologists is excavating in Israel when they find a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David on the wall.

The head archeologist points to the first drawing. "This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high esteem." he says. "The donkey shows they were smart enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means they were able to forge tools. Even further proof of high intelligence is the fish: If famine hit the earth, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol is the Star of David, telling us they were Hebrews."

The second archeologist shakes his head. "Hebrew is read from right to left," he explains. "It says, 'Holy Mackerel, Dig the Ass on that Chick!'"
Jul 22nd, 2008 02:56 PM
Dimnos Afro-Americanadian
Jul 22nd, 2008 02:40 PM
10,000 Volt Ghost So a black Canadian hockey player meets the ignorant white guy from South Carolina. The white guy says "Hey Boy. Where're you from?". "Ontario, Canada." said the black man.

White guy "Huh, didn't know they had black Canadians."

Black guy "Sir, I find that extremely offensive!"

White guy "Oh, sorry. African-American Canadian then."

(I got bored on the drive back to Pittsburgh)
Jul 22nd, 2008 12:49 PM
Jules Samza What's blue, 12 inches long and makes women scream?

Cot death.
Jul 21st, 2008 02:55 PM
Dimnos
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tadao View Post
A catholic priest and a rabi run a camp for young boys and they both see a kid out in the woods alone.

The priest says to the rabi, "Hey, you want to fuck that kid?" and the rabi says, "Sure! But what should we fuck him out of?"
rofl
Jul 21st, 2008 08:49 AM
HungryWantBiddy What can a chicken do that a man can't do?

Eat with his pecker!
Jul 21st, 2008 12:36 AM
executioneer
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fathom Zero View Post
you and your unlabeled youtube links
Jul 20th, 2008 05:17 PM
Evil Robot OK so this guy walks into in and is like "what the fuck is your problem bitch gimmie a fucking break I just got off work and I don't feel like listening to your shit right now." His wife says to him "Oh yeah work, that minum wage bullshit where you sit on your ass all day? fuck you.". Then she started hitting him and he punched her back.

Get it? punch line?
Jul 20th, 2008 04:44 PM
Tadao A catholic priest and a rabi run a camp for young boys and they both see a kid out in the woods alone.

The priest says to the rabi, "Hey, you want to fuck that kid?" and the rabi says, "Sure! But what should we fuck him out of?"
Jul 20th, 2008 04:15 PM
Big Papa Goat does anyone know the one about the guy with the fish and chips at the monastery and the fish friar?
Jul 20th, 2008 10:15 AM
DALI-II Not from me, but from the MARX BROTHERS:

"One day I bagged 6 tigers..."
"-Oh captain, you CAUGHT 6 tigers?!"
"No, I bagged them. They were already to go but hung around all afternoon. Laziest bunch I ever saw..."
Jul 19th, 2008 10:13 PM
eggyolk my friend's dad told me this one:

A lizard is walking through the jungle when he looks up in a tree and sees a monkey in a cloud of smoke.

"What are you doing up there?" he says.
"I'm smoking a joint!" The monkey replies.
"No way! We cant get weed out here man!" The lizard says.
"Wanna bet?" says the monkey "Come up here and take a hit!"

So the lizard climbs up the tree and sits down next to the monkey and they smoke and smoke and finally the lizard stops and says "Man I'm STONED. I gotta get a drink of water!"
The monkey tells him "There is a river down the way a little bit, you can get a drink there."

The lizard climbs down the tree and walks to the river, and he leans in to get a drink, but his balance isn't very good so he stumbles into the water and starts floating off down the river. An alligator sees him and grabs him and sets him back on the shore.

"What's wrong with you?" says the alligator "Why did you fall in like that?"
"I'm baked." says the lizard "I smoked a joint with monkey over there in that tree."
"No way!" Says the alligator, "We can't get weed out here."
"Don't believe me?" Says the lizard, "Go look."
So the alligator walks over to the tree and looks up at the monkey and the monkey calls down to him "Wow, man! How much water did you drink?!"

Jul 19th, 2008 03:37 AM
Fathom Zero http://youtube.com/watch?v=A4n8gO7NGDo
Jul 19th, 2008 03:35 AM
executioneer yeah, but does anyone know a GOOD joke
Jul 18th, 2008 05:21 PM
sloth WOMEN HUH DIMNOS
Jul 18th, 2008 10:16 AM
Dimnos A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
Jul 18th, 2008 10:13 AM
Dimnos "Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Jul 18th, 2008 10:12 AM
Dimnos An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
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