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Topic Review (Newest First)
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| Aug 23rd, 2007 11:39 PM | ||
| Max Radical |
I recently bought the real Transformers movie on DVD, to help heal the trauma the cinematic "Twenty one-dimensional humans with occasional guest stars, the Transformers". I was reminded of how awesome it all was, and of this article. I was inspired by both to add "5 more things to love about the movie" 1. Shit does not stop happening  The scriptwriters realised that they were writing about giant robots that transform and blow things up, and that their job is done if those things just continue to happen for ninety minutes. The entire plot is: Decepticons attack Autobots Decepticons attack each other Decepticons attack Autobots (redux) Shit blows up Bonus: Sharkticons! Decepticons attack Autobots (again!) Junkions attack Autobots Everyone attacks Unicron More shit blows up You will notice that there is no "Wait patiently for actual Transformers to turn up" stage, and the "Suffer as blonde scientist and wacky fat guy contribute absolutely nothing to the movie" scenes are strangely absent. 2. Absolute minimum quantity of humans The animated movie has only two human characters (less than 5% of the total cast) and the makers knew that was still a dangerously high percentage of fleshy useless skinbags, so the writers gave them kickass transforming robot suits to minimise the drag factor they inflict on the movie. 3. Rodimus Prime Kicks Ass  Sure, we know that in the series he was a spineless whiner who could be paralysed by the choice between tea and coffee, causing him to collapse into a fetal ball crying "What would Optimus do?", but that was the fault of the writers. They wanted to go in a new direction with the leader, exploring the challenges of command. Unfortunately they overdid it and Rodimus ended up "exploring the challenges of command" in the same way a brittle-boned leukemic albino "explores not being quarterback". It was tragic and painful, but for those few minutes at the end of the movie you see what he could have been. In five minutes he: 1 - Throws Galvatron into space 2 - Blows up a robot the size of a planet 3 - Turns into a goddamn truck That's more heroic manliness in three hundred seconds than most characters manage in an entire existence. 4. Famous voices Many are upset that the great Orson Welles final role, his swansong, was a childrens cartoon that he famously hated every moment of. For them the Transformers movie had the same effect on Mr Welles's memory that toilets had on Elvis Presley's. I think it's brilliant. "Hey there, Mr Welles, you think playing the part of a great big toy is beneath your dignity? Then maybe you shouldn't have taken the big bag of money and said 'I'll do it'!" His deep, booming voice adds great character to the planet-devouring Unicron, and the knowledge that he hated every second really adds to Unicron's universal malice. Leonard Nimoy's contribution isn't so uniformly wonderful, given that Satan himself could ascend to the sound stage and still not do as good a ridiculously evil voice as Frank Welker's Megatron. The evil fusion of "Galvatron" and the "Imperious Insane Spock with a Goatee" that you can see in your mind every moment he opens his mouth is still worth seeing though. Bonus: high-speed gibberish TV-speaking Eric Idle, in a part as custom made for a Monty Pythonite as any giant robot can be. 5. The only happy "They're not dead" moment ever. Right off the bat the movie slaps you in the face by killing Ratchet and Ironhide in a shockingly brutal (for a kid) scene. "That's right!" it shouts, "Pay attention, because the shit is going down now!" After that every fight is nail-biting because you genuinely don't know who's going to survive. This makes the revelation that Jazz is still alive, rescued moments before destruction, a genuinely happy surprise rescue. (Technically Ultra Magnus did this first, but nobody was actually happy to find out that he wasn't dead). |
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| Jul 9th, 2007 12:38 AM | ||
| Protoclown |
Yeah, awesome at BEING A BITCH Oooooooooooooooh SNAP! But I ain't hatin', I like Starscream actually (he's still a bitch though) |
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| Jul 8th, 2007 10:22 PM | ||
| Zomboid | How did starscream beat the rest of the decepticons and take over? Because he's fucking awesome, that's why. | |
| Jul 7th, 2007 10:48 PM | ||
| mew barios | i cried when optimus prime died. it's true and i'd buy a bumper sticker that said so too | |
| Jul 7th, 2007 03:05 PM | ||
| Protoclown |
And Optimus Prime was all three of those! 
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| Jul 6th, 2007 06:04 PM | ||
| noob3 | i use to cry for everything, fat people, homeless people, retarded people | |
| Jul 6th, 2007 05:40 PM | ||
| Protoclown | I can't honestly recall if I cried or not, but I was pretty damned upset, I can remember that much. | |
| Jul 6th, 2007 04:32 PM | ||
| noob3 | I cried, but I was pretty young. I was actually born in 86, I wasn't that young. | |
| Jul 6th, 2007 03:28 PM | ||
| ArrowX | I didn't cry but I couldn't sleep after for a whole night. | |
| Jul 6th, 2007 02:46 PM | ||
| MattJack |
I cried when Optimus Prime died in the movie  Please tell me I wasn't the only one 
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| Jul 6th, 2007 02:17 PM | ||
| Angryhydralisk |
Quote:
Anyways, this review was great. |
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| Jul 6th, 2007 12:38 PM | ||
| ArrowX | That was great, but I can't understand why you didn't include the opening massacre of Ironhide, Brawn, Ratchet, and Prowl. When most kids saw that their first time they were horrified. What happened to these types of shows? | |
| Jul 6th, 2007 10:48 AM | ||
| Mockery |
NEW FEATURE: "THE TEN BEST THINGS ABOUT TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE" Screw Michael Bay and the CGI horse he rode in on, THIS is the Transformers movie that matters. The original animated Transformers movie from 1986! Check out my latest piece and see if you agree with what I consider to be the ten best things about it.  NEW FEATURE: "THE TEN BEST THINGS ABOUT TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE" http://www.i-mockery.com/minimocks/transformers-movie Enjoy! |
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