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Jul 6th, 2011 03:10 AM
sspadowsky So this guy gets a phone call, and learns he needs to get to the hospital because his wife has been in a terrible car crash.

When he arrives, a grim-faced doctor sits him down and explains the situation:

"Sir, your wife has suffered severe head and spinal trauma. She is going to be paralyzed from the neck down and quasi-catatonic. You will have to feed her, bathe her, change her diapers and catheters, and basically tend to her every physical need for the rest of her life."

The man bursts into uncontrollable sobs.

The doctor chuckles, claps him on the shoulder, and says, "Hey, relax; I'm just fucking with you. She's dead."
Jul 5th, 2011 09:25 PM
Chojin
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThrashO View Post
How many mexicans can you string up from an apple tree before it falls over?

Ask Pram Maven.
i lold :<
Jun 29th, 2011 10:03 PM
Pentegarn An old classic:

A guy walks into a bar and pulls out a tiny piano and a tiny pianist

Bartender: That's amazing! Where'd you get that?

Man: I came upon a magic beer can walking along the beach, when I picked it up, this genie came out of it and told me he would grant me one wish.

Bartender: Do you still have that beer can?

Man: No I left it where I found it

The man tells the bartender where the beer can is and the bartender tracks it down, when he finds it, he asks the genie for a million bucks, the next day the man comes back into the bar.

Bartender: What was up with that genie anyway? I asked it for a million bucks and when I got home there was a million ducks in my house.

Man: Do you really think I asked the genie for a 12 inch pianist?
Jun 29th, 2011 07:39 PM
executioneer yours is more up-to-date because there's barely any cannibals anymore
Jun 29th, 2011 07:38 PM
Grislygus You can't FIND my version on google, that means the one I heard is a cheap knockoff, and I like it better :/
Jun 29th, 2011 07:36 PM
executioneer it's not like that invalidates your joke or anything though :/
Jun 29th, 2011 07:31 PM
Grislygus
Quote:
Originally Posted by executioneer View Post
grislygus i'd heard that joke before but it was with a tribe of cannibals and they were gonna make a canoe out of the skin and the guy said "I HOPE YOUR F*CKIN CANOE SINKS"
FUCK I just googled that and you're right
Jun 29th, 2011 06:28 PM
ThrashO How many babies does it take to paint a house?

depends how hard you throw them.

How many mexicans can you string up from an apple tree before it falls over?

Ask Pram Maven.
Jun 29th, 2011 05:12 PM
executioneer grislygus i'd heard that joke before but it was with a tribe of cannibals and they were gonna make a canoe out of the skin and the guy said "I HOPE YOUR F*CKIN CANOE SINKS"
Jun 29th, 2011 04:43 PM
Pentegarn A man and his wife are golfing and he tees off on the 9th hole. His shot flies down the fairway and into an abandoned shack.

Man: Shit, now what am I going to do?

Wife: Just play through, it's obvious nobody lives there

Man: OK

So the man pulls out his pitching wedge and aims his shot out the window. He shanks it and the ball bounces off the wall, hitting the man's wife in the head killing her instantly. The man remarries and a couple years later takes his new wife golfing with him at the same course. He gets to the 9th hole and tees off hitting the ball into the exact same abandoned shack.

Man: Shit, now what am I going to do?

Wife: Just play through, it's obvious nobody lives there

Man: No way! Last time I did that I got a triple bogey.
Jun 29th, 2011 04:39 PM
captain516 what's it like being gangraped by the beatles?
your mother should know.
Jun 29th, 2011 04:37 PM
Pentegarn I got a charge out of that joke of yours Gus
Jun 29th, 2011 04:12 PM
Grislygus what the hell even WAS that, that wasn't a joke



Whatever. A Californian, A Midwesterner, and a New Yorker are chained to a wall by a serial killer. The serial killer walks and speaks.

"Well, I made a small mistake with one of you, and the police are going to find out who I am. It'll be too late for you, however; I'm going to kill you, skin you, tan your hides, and sew them into a goddamn tablecloth."

He pauses to let this sink in, before lighting a cigarette and lazily telling them that they are allowed to choose the method in which they die.

The Californian begins to scream and panic, and the serial killer lose patience and slits his throat, careful not to get below the neckline. The Midwesterner angrily tells the killer just to shoot him, so the killer deftly puts a bullet between his eyes, and turns to the New Yorker.

"How about it? You want a bullet too?"

The New Yorker looks at his chained leg, then back at the killer.

"I want a fork."

"A what?"

"A fork. Call it a last request."

Intrigued, the killer leaves the room and returns with a fork, which he tosses to the New Yorker. The New Yorker grabs the fork and looks at it.

Suddenly he starts stabbing himself with the fork repeatedly and violently, hundreds of times in quick succession, all over his body in a frenzy. The killer takes a step back and screams at him,

"What the fuck are you doing?!!"

The New Yorker, now completely covered by blood and holes, throws the fork at him.

"THERE GOES YOUR TABLECLOTH, SHITHEAD"
Jun 29th, 2011 01:22 PM
Chojin now he hates the working class too. we shouldn't be surprised at this point.
Jun 29th, 2011 01:18 PM
mew barios do you live in some sitcom universe where the only function of a plumber is to stare under a sink? your fictional exchange is highly offensive.
Jun 29th, 2011 11:33 AM
The Leader
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pram Maven View Post
Me: "oh...the pipes are too high?"
That doesn't make sense.
Jun 29th, 2011 11:30 AM
Pram Maven Otto: "If I saw it on the internet, it must be true! Also, time for my de-lousing."
Jun 29th, 2011 11:17 AM
Otto Poster on an internet message board: "I am a huge crybaby that takes the internet way too seriously and can't seem to stop hanging around even though everyone makes a point of reminding me how much they don't want me around. Also I hate spics!"

Other posters: "Hi, Pram Maven!"
Jun 29th, 2011 11:04 AM
Pram Maven Customer: "whew, I just got off work"

Me: "really? Do you get to stand on concrete all day too?"

Customer: "yeah, I work for a plumbing company. Have to stand up all day...We don't get any chairs to sit on"

Me: "oh...the pipes are too high?"
Jun 29th, 2011 08:44 AM
Mad Melvin Why was there two rice grains next to an ethiopians bed?

- He was throwing up all night.

Jun 29th, 2011 04:39 AM
Grislygus They were balls-deep with critical rod malfunctions
Jun 29th, 2011 03:55 AM
Esuohlim Sometimes the setup of a joke is so much better than the punchline that the punchline ruins it and is better left unsaid.

"Did you hear about the nuclear reactor explosion in the town full of gays?"
Jun 29th, 2011 03:50 AM
Grislygus what was the last thing to go through kurt kobain's mind




his teeth
Jun 29th, 2011 03:27 AM
Babs One day I'm fucking my girlfriend and she makes a comment about the size of my dick. "I didn't know they made condoms for baby dicks, maybe that's why you have to go raw!".

A minute goes by and she states, "well I see you don't have anything to say after that..."

I bust my load right on her back a split second later and say, "How's that for a cum back."
Jun 29th, 2011 03:22 AM
MattJack I'm having sex with my girl and things start getting pretty rough. She's liking all of it though, so I decide that I'm going to up the ante. When she least expects it I put it up her ass.

She turns and says "Don't you think that's a bit presumptuous?"

I look at her and say "Don't you think presumptuous is a big word for an eight year old?"
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