Go Back   I-Mockery Forum > I-Mockery Discussion Forums > Loveline > Advice column hilarity.
FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Thread: Advice column hilarity. Reply to Thread
Image Verification
Please enter the six letters or digits that appear in the image opposite.

Additional Options
Miscellaneous Options

Topic Review (Newest First)
Jan 14th, 2011 12:50 AM
Pentegarn I had that happen, only in reverse, she was into getting anal while I prefer the other 2 menu options

Still I 'bit the bullet' because I didn't hate anal, just preferred the other 2 menu options
Jan 13th, 2011 10:25 PM
Colonel Flagg Bill, is that you?

EDIT: nvm, I forgot there's no mention of an airhorn.
Jan 13th, 2011 09:45 PM
Kitsa Dear Prudence,
I began dating a man last summer, and it has slowly turned into something serious. He is a great person, I am head over heels for him,
and he indicates he feels the same way about me. We recently said, "I love you." We have excellent chemistry in the bedroom as well,
but recently he brought up that he loves anal sex and that it's a fetish of his. We have tried a couple of times, but I often shy away and
feel uncomfortable. He even told me that it's a make-or-break for him in a relationship. I'm a pretty open person, but I'm afraid that I'll
never be as into anal sex as he is, if at all. Should I bite the bullet and just go for it or let him know that I'll probably never enjoy it to the
extent he does and let this "break" our relationship?
—Make or Break

Dear Make,
You may be head over heels, but if you don't like what he has to offer, try not to land facedown. Joan Rivers has a line that she loves
anal sex because it frees her up to read a book or check her BlackBerry, but I don't think that's going to work for you. Your boyfriend
is kind of a bum for allowing your relationship to progress so far without letting you know about his fixation. Surely he's aware that it's
the kind of thing that could make someone want to turn tail and run. There he is, getting that look in his eye, and there you are thinking,
It's time to pick up another tube of Preparation H. I've gotten crosswise with the fetish community before, because I disagree with their
assertion that if you love someone with a fetish, you should accommodate it. I wonder why they don't think it's equally true that if you
love someone who has no interest in your fetish, that person should be accommodated—especially if the fetish makes it difficult to sit at
your desk the following day. I know that for the gay community, anal sex is not a "fetish" but a standard part of the repertoire, and that
it's also a common variation for many heterosexuals. But your boyfriend is now saying that this is his regular entrée and not just an
occasional amuse bouche. You've tried to stick it out for his sake, but in the end you just don't enjoy it. I don't see that you have much
choice except to leave him behind.
Nov 9th, 2009 10:49 PM
Nov 9th, 2009 08:43 PM
Originally Posted by Kitsa View Post
I don't want to usurp Willie's advice column thing
man go ahead i am severely underqualified to give any kind of relationship advice
Nov 9th, 2009 01:28 PM
Kitsa I don't want to usurp Willie's advice column thing. I'm not sure what you should do, actually, but I'm generally against manipulation
Nov 6th, 2009 11:40 AM
10,000 Volt Ghost I don't think girls like guys that aren't in relationships already. It's a womens code. From my experience at least.
Nov 5th, 2009 11:09 PM
Zhukov I don't think being prudish is the problem here, I think it's being too fucking weak to tell someone to get out before you throw them out.

Dear Kitsa

When I was involved in a happy relationship, there was another woman that continualy tried to push herself on me. In round about ways she offered me sex, and always told me how attractive I was and how good we would be together. She was a friend, and I guess I took all of that in my stride because I never really thought twice about it. Now that I am single, I have started to see her differently, but she recently got herself a boyfriend (a nut case by the way. Too old for her, two failed marriages and way too jealous) and I was wondering if I should let things go or actively try to break them up for my own gains.

I could easily do it I think; they are always fighting, and he always asks me if I am trying to cause problems for them. I'm not, but if I did then he would probably make a fool of himself and try to hit me or something.
Nov 5th, 2009 11:08 PM
george in vegas if you let a "working girl" a legal one that is, there is a standard fee you have to pay wether you have sex or not.

i learned this from a very nice hooker that i and a friend ended up with in our room after calling to see how much a "legal" working girl cost. we were seriously just trolling for the fun of it. about an hour after our crank calling had ended she turned up, un requested. she hung out with us for like an hour, and about every five minutes there would be a knock at the door, and that was when our new friend informed us of the policy stated above.

she also informed us that for 1200.00 we could take turns banging her in the ass all night long.

i was too poor.

instead we rented a movie and drank beer until her pager went of and she hurried off to work. she was really cool.
Nov 5th, 2009 08:35 PM
Kitsa Greenwich, Conn.: My husband and I went on a long weekend vacation to celebrate our anniversary.
Trying to relive our honeymoon, we ordered an in-room couples massage from a reputable establishment in the area. When our masseuse showed up, she was a—to put it lightly, a working girl and proceeded to lay across our hotel bed offering her services. This took us by surprise and we immediately ran into the bathroom to discuss how to kindly ask this woman to leave.
My husband went out to the room and asked her to leave but she wouldn't without $300 in cash for her time—which he gave.
Was this the right thing for us to do? Should we have given her money or forced her to leave?
We were also a little traumatized by the event and have had some trouble "getting over it."
Any advice?
Thanks, Prudish But Progressive
Emily Yoffe: Maybe this "reputable establishment" is used to getting calls from politicians, and so it had a different idea of what's involved in releasing stress than you and your husband had in mind. No, you should not have had to pay for the young lady's services—unless she developed a sudden expertise in shiatsu. You should have called the place that sent her, explained you didn't know it was an escort service, and told them unless they gave young lady orders to leave immediately, you would have her escorted out by hotel security and/or the police. Then you should have reported the incident to the hotel management, especially if they're the ones suggesting the establishment. You could have said that on no list of gifts for significant anniversaries does "prostitute" appear.
As for your trauma—I can understand you were shaken, but look at it another way. When you tell your friends the story of this memorable anniversary, they will be shaking with laughter.
Sep 25th, 2009 10:08 AM
Fathom Zero Oh, I know all that. He sounds like a right bastard to me. It was just a little musing I had, only semi-related to the column.
Sep 25th, 2009 09:50 AM
Kitsa The way I interpreted it was that his main problem wasn't fucking dolls, it was being an asshole on top of it.
Sep 25th, 2009 09:42 AM
Fathom Zero Though, maybe I'm not such a closeted pervert anymore, so I can't relate to that asshole.
Sep 25th, 2009 09:40 AM
Kitsa "Pfft, so what, your mom died. Your dad's such a fucking drama queen, god. Now excuse me while I go fuck this doll."
Sep 25th, 2009 09:33 AM
Fathom Zero I think it's strange how people keep such awful secrets, even into a marriage.

I have no fucking secrets. People can ask me anything.
Sep 25th, 2009 09:13 AM
Kitsa Dear Prudence,
Recently my mother, who was my best friend, passed away suddenly at a fairly young age. A few weeks later, my fiance abandoned me a month prior to our wedding because he couldn't handle my grief. He belittled my mother's death, called my father a drama queen for his despair, and accused me of not paying attention to his needs. During the final stages, he depicted me as irrational and needy to our mutual friends. By looking through his e-mails, I have discovered some things about him that I have kept silent about. Most important was my discovery of a sex-doll perversion. He is part of a group that learns how to make dolls at home. (There are also videos of men doing questionable deeds with Barbies.) In addition, he communicated with escort services and through online personal ads for bondage enthusiasts. My problem is that in my anger about his behavior and timing, I feel a strong compulsion to send this information to almost everyone in his contact list. Could you please talk me out of it, since I would very much like justice to be served?

Dear Steamed,
You were just rescued from a future in which you come home to find your husband violating your daughter's American Girl doll collection! Stop being angry and start being grateful. Consider that in the great cosmic scheme of things, this was your mother's final gift to you. Her loss made it possible for you to find out what a thoroughgoing creep you almost ended up with. Don't worry about what your friends might think. If they took the side of a man who said he dumped his fiancee a month before the wedding because her grief over her mother's unexpected death was bumming him out, then you need a new group of friends. You don't want to wallow in his gutter by sending out a mass e-mail telling them that if he ever gives a homemade doll to any of their children, they should make sure to wipe it down with Germ-X first. Stop looking for retribution, and sing "Hallelujah" that you made it out before you set up a new household with him, only to find out he preferred playing house.
Sep 22nd, 2009 10:32 PM
Colonel Flagg I wonder how many guys are thinking "Man! Why doesn't she work in my building!"
Sep 22nd, 2009 10:31 PM
Kitsa Maybe it's just me being boring and puritanical, but I've never looked at anyone and thought "oo, threesome".
Sep 22nd, 2009 02:17 PM
Colonel Flagg Ok, this had me ROFL. From the archives of "Ask Amy":

Dear Amy: I am a very undersexed single woman. A female coworker and I became very close friends this year, and I am steadily becoming close friends with her husband as well. I'm interested in pursuing a threesome with this couple, but I don't know how to ask. Certainly, directly asking seems to be the best way, but I'm worried that I might ruin this relationship. They are a very liberal couple, but how do I bring this up without offending anyone or losing my friends? - Undersexed

Dear Undersexed: If you need a stapler, look for it at the office. A threesome? Not so much. Intimately engaging with this couple would interfere not only with your friendships and your professional life, but also with their marriage. I believe the protocol here is for you to wait for them to invite you. You are an adult and can make your own choices with other consenting adults, but people don't invite themselves into another couple's relationship. Be forewarned - even if they do invite this entanglement and it does happen, your relationship with both parties will change and (I believe) eventually suffer. - Amy
Sep 17th, 2009 06:06 PM
Colonel Flagg I shouldn't think that was funny, but I do. Is that wrong?
Sep 17th, 2009 05:28 PM
Kitsa captain516: that's what I was thinking, he should have told the kids to be careful with the hamster in the first place, and not left them unsupervised. Since most people are too stupid and selfish to feel real sorrow about anything that's not them, I'm guessing his prolonged guilt had something to do with that.
Sep 17th, 2009 05:21 PM
Wiffles I think accidents happen sometimes. Its like overfeeding the pet fish. Better yet, is why would the dad not be cunning enough to buy a replacement hammy ^^;
Sep 17th, 2009 04:52 PM
captain516 What kind of careless fuck of a father didn't bother telling his kids that they need to be gentle with small animals?
Sep 17th, 2009 04:29 PM
Wiffles awww poor hamham ;__;
Sep 17th, 2009 02:25 PM
Kitsa Dear Prudie,
My kids accidentally crushed their hamster, but at 5 and 6 years old, they're too young to know. (I just told them she'd bitten into her lip.) To further protect them, I told them the veterinarian said she was fine but that she was not allowed to leave the hospital and was happy to be with her friends. I may be projecting—the sight of the hamster dying was awful to me, and it took two days to get over the depression. Some people think I should not "lie and pretend," as they put it, by not allowing the children to "deal with the death." I find it absolutely abhorrent to think of my children discovering that they were responsible for their pet's death, when I, their father, could not go to sleep due to grief.

Dear Crushed,
I can almost promise you that after your kids were finished squeezing, sitting on, or hugging really, really hard their darling hamster, and it just lay there looking like a bloodied, dying hamster, even at 5 and 6, they pretty much knew, "Uh-oh, I think we killed the hamster." Your reassurance that the hamster had a lip boo-boo and is now recovering at an extended-care facility has probably only imparted the confusing lesson that their hamster has Wolverine-like healing powers. (Your story must be the rodent equivalent of telling the kids the dog has gone to "live with people in the country" when it's actually just gotten a shot of Fatal-Plus.) I understand that you're stuck on an emotional hamster wheel, but you've got to get off and tell the truth. When you explain to your kids what really happened, you don't want to be either punitive or despondent. You need to tell them that small, furry creatures require gentle handling. Sadly, their hamster died because they were accidentally too rough with it. If they cry, comfort them, and if they're shockingly blasé, accept it. Answer simply but honestly any questions they have. If they want to know where the hamster is now, tell them the vet takes away the bodies of the dead animals. If they ask whether the hamster was in pain, you can explain that it was but the pain didn't last long. And if they say they want another hamster—well, Dad, see if you can cross that Rainbow Bridge when you come to it.
This thread has more than 25 replies. Click here to review the whole thread.

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 04:42 PM.

© 2008 I-Mockery.com
Powered by: vBulletin
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.