:lol

That's why I always keep a ruler around that is actually only 10 inches but still reads 12. You got to think ahead, bruh.

i have to get a 12 inch ruler that's actually 14 inches otherwise girls get scared that i might rip them apart :O

I GOTTA BUST OUT THE TAPE MEASURE BOOYAHHHHH

j/k i don't think a lady has looked at my dick since my football physical in '94

oh wait there was that time i got urethritis a couple years ago n/m

STAY AWAY FROM MOWEN

yeah if my d*ck really was that long i'd be well advised not to mow anything due to the chance of accidental shortening

Once upon a time, I ended in a local whorehouse with some of my buds. Drunk as skunks we were. We summarily each paid the equivalent of 90USD for some gooood times. We were allowed 1 hour for some real special Loveline commitment and sloppy sex. I ended up with ‘swamp donkey’ and before you could say “True Bedroom Stories (Virgins come take notes)” she was naked and laying on the bed. I couldn’t vouch for her ‘bedroom eyes’ ‘cause I was doing a rap dance trying to get rid of my clothes. I was falling all over the place. We started what could only resemble a poorly constructed wrestling match on WrestleMania23. After several belly flops and ‘kick her in the crotch’ manoeuvres, she, yes SHE, decided it was time (that damn ‘kick her in the crotch’ move has cost me since) to do IT. She grabbed me bone with all the intent and purpose to do something serious with it. The problem was that it was no BONE. Nothing Nada. It would have made the website of Men’s Clinic International look prestigious!

Anyways, trying to get some dignity back, I suggested that she play with herself while I watch, in the hope it would, you know, sort of assist in this delicate matter. With a look of disgust (or was that a gleam in her eye?) she did just that. Even that couldn’t restore my ‘manhood’. Before the hour was up she must have sunken at least twice into post-masturbation bliss! I was still sitting there trying to focus on the emergency number for Men’s Clinic International. Wells, my hour was up and she politely (or was that a look of disgust?) ushered me out of the room.

It was only the following morning that I realize that I, yes I, actually paid a lot of money to a skunk whore to play with herself! >: I have never been the same again. This makes me sad.:(

saucy!

One time, I had consensual sex in the missionary position.

Wild, I know.

This isn't really a "Bedroom Story," but it's true.

So my girlfriend had teased me all one night. She wouldn't let me do anything, but she thought it'd be a great idea to give me some crazy blue balls.

The next morning she teased me even more. It was pretty awful really. After about an hour of this she had to get up and go to work. I just went back to sleep because it was early.

Well when I woke up a couple hours later I was in complete pain. I've always heard about blue balls hurting n shit, but this was the real deal. My lower stomach felt like it had knots in it and I could feel my swollen jewels in almost every step I took. I thought this would simply go away after an hour or so, well, it didn't.

It's now about 2pm and I'm just like, "Fuck this! I can barely walk."

I go into the bathroom to rub one out because I guess I thought that would cure me.

Well we kept the cat in the bathroom for about 75% of the day because he would spray EVERYWHERE, so fuck having your apartment smelling like piss.

I walk into the bathroom and throw the cat outside. It's time for "MattJack Time."

I grab her smell-good lotion and proceed with beating up my little german soldier. After some time, I explode like a damn porn star :wank

I couldn't control my aim, but who can? I cracked open an eye during this epic event, and saw that I had been shooting across the bathroom and landing it all in the cat's bowl the whole time.

I'm so sorry Chewy. I washed your bowls, but I know you got a keen sense of taste :(

some lame fuck had the nerve to spit on my girly parts for lube and i threw him the hell out.

you do not spit on a girl's girly parts. >:

i scared a dude out of screwing me by pulling out a 8" curved knife with super sharp spikes on the handle from under my pillow. :)

ummm, ummmm, when i was in labor, i had to pee in to a toilet that had a seive type strainer thing in the bowl and when i wiped this giant 3 foot long, 2 inch wide brown-green booger came out of my crotch. it's called a mucous plug and it's the most disgusting thing you men will ever see come out of your woman ever. EVER.

Ugh. What did he say when you threw him out?

Is that your baby in the picture, by the way? :love

The only thing missing from that story is when Eugene Levy walks by and for some irrational reason (curiosity?) licks the bowl clean. Then it's American Pie 6.

lol i wish somebody would pay me a stupid amount of money for American Pie 6 :(

or I'd like to just have lunch with Jewgene Levy. See what I did there?

I feel that the only person here qualified to give noteworthy information is glowbelly.

Matt your just a slut.

YOU'RE A SLUT

I wish

my two children were both c-sections, so I never experienced the mucous plug.

Well I'll toss one in.
In college I was seeing a girl for awhile. Normal sex, no biggie. But one night she comes to my dorm drunk as hell and we end up having sex. She's riding me while we're sitting up, and I suddenly feel a gushing from between her legs. I throw her off of me, onto the floor and shout "YOU PISSED ON ME!" so loud the whole dorm could hear, and I did figure it was piss because she was drunk. Apparently she'd just had a female ejaculation which she had learned how to have from that sex show that old lady hosted on Lifetime.
She was real embarassed when she had to walk out though, people figuring she'd peed.

Not a single one of my stories have an ounce of class to them. Some aren't as bad as others though. These are just some highlights:

- virginity lost in a back alley behind a friend's house during a party. She asked for my number after and I said I didn't have a phone. A couple minutes later I realized that in my drunken stupor I neglected to notice that I was texting when she asked me for my number. It was the night before I turned 17.

- One summer my friend and his gf drank a whole lot and I eventually managed to bed all 3 of her closest friends (separate occassions:()

- I forgot that I was chewing tobacco while fooling around with girls on 2 separate occassions. Once it was just making out and the other time I was fucking the girl in my friend's parent's Bronco. I ended up swallowing most of the spit :(. It was also very weird because it took her like 5 minutes to get her shoes off.

- The main reason I screwed the aforementioned spit girl was because my best friend was for some reason bad mouthing me and doing his best to cock block so he could have her for himself, I'm guessing. I'd already fooled around with her earlier in the night and when he'd gotten wind of it, he started telling her about how I avoid girls that I sleep with, etc. I was pretty drunk and had no real intention of trying to have sex with her, but that pissed me off so I got a condom and we ended up DOIN' THE NASTY.

- While drunk and alone in a bedroom with a girl at a party, she started to talk about how its different for girls and guys when they lose their virginity. She said how badly it hurt the first time, etc. I kind of zoned out and just looked at the ceiling and nursed my beer. Then I realize she's rubbing my leg a bit and she concluded by saying that if we do something, I need to be gentle. I had wanted to nail this girl for months so I didn't exactly need convincing at that point. We go to it and at some point she is in pain and we slow down a bit. Then I wake up and we're both sleeping on the bed. Her with some of her clothes back on and me completely naked. Two guys who I know but wouldn't really call friends come in and laugh at the scene, making sure to point out my spongebob squarepants boxers that were lying on the floor. I had the nickname spongebob for a while. Really not funny.

- I fucked a girl and shortly after found out that she had given birth mere months before :O. I was drunk so I wasn't bothered too much though.

- At a gigantic annual concert event thing, I am picked up by a very hot 29 year old who tells me that she has a kid back home. She introduces me to her married friends who she's staying with and after a few more drinks, the two of us go back to their trailer and she sucks me off for like 20 minutes (seth's right, being drunk is great for endurance) but doesn't wanna fuck because she knows the dangers of unprotected sex and neither of us had condoms. So she continues blowing me and my phone rings. I kind of laugh and she says I should probably answer it as it could be my friends looking for me. It turns out it was just a friend from home who didn't make it out to the concerts but wanted to know how it was. He then asks to speak to the girl (woman!) and I let him. It was weird!

There's another 2 worth mentioning but they're thoroughly disgusting and the kind of things you only let out when you're drunk with friends and sharing stories.

oh boy, do i have some good ones.

-- most recently, i hooked up with a guy i met online (that's my MO nowadays), we hung out for a while watching movies and drinking, he wasn't making a move. so, in my drunken state i decided to just go for it -- what's the worst that could happen?? well, the he was defenitley the worst kisser ever (nowhere near my mouth, and then when he finally found it he just shoved his tongue in my mouth and started making super fast circles, not hot at ALL), and finally, reliazing that i really did want to get laid, i took off my shirt and he totally had no idea what to do with my tits. just for reference, i'm 38DD, so most guys love them and spend inappropriate amounts of time playing with them. So, after about 20 minutes of awful kissing and terrible groping, i kicked him out. Politley, mind you, but he had to go. That night was a porn night, for sure (once he left).

-- my first time (i was 16), i was at a party and decided it was time to figure out what all the hype was about. i ended up hooking up with a 24 year old, going at it right in the living room. of course, thehost walked in, freaked out and kicked us out. so we went back to his house, and kept going for hours. he was totally excited, because i had told him it was my first time and he figured i'd be in pain after a few minutes and no more. i wore him out -- kept asking for more untill he finally said he couldn't get it up. just goes to show you how my sex drive works.

-- oh god. the guy who wanted to fuck me while i was wearing stockings -- not a big deal, untill i realized he wanted me to jerk him off with my FEET while wearing stockings. weird.

-- the guy i wasn't attracted to, but i was dying to get some. this totally backfired on me -- i was totally just going to fuck him and never talk to him again..........untill i took off his pants and realized he had the biggest, most perfect cock i had ever seen. i actually said, out loud, "oh my GOD!", to which he replied "you weren't expecting that, were you??". i sure wasn't. needless to say, 4 hours and multiple orgasms later, i had changed my mind about never seeing him again. apparently though, he had the same idea as i had originally-- he never called me again. *pouts* was that my punishment for something?!?!?

-- taking my ex's virginity in the backseat of his mom's Volvo. poor kid still talks about it to this day. traumatized.

-- giving some guy a blowjob while my then boyfriend was sleeping in the next room. i knew he was cheating on me, so that was my payback. the kiss after i swallowed the other guy's cum? that was just for fun.

-- the 20 year old i hookedup with after the big breakup, who had amazing skills in bed but would randomly shout really nasty insults at the top of his lungs in the middle of sex. you know, i get the normal stuff, but calling me a stupid fucking whore and telling me you're going to cum in my ear is not necessary. at all.

-- done alot of semi-public stuff -- parks at night, cars, french class (there was a sub, noone was paying attention. dress + nothing underneath = fun for all!!), my parents house when they were in the next room, in a hot tob, blah blah blah. always ends up kinda funny.

-- the ex who liked to talk on the phone while i was giving him head to see how long he could go before the other person asked "are you okay??". it was never very long. i gots skillz :)

-- OH!!! the guy who swore that he could last forever and was going to fock my world, only to cum 30 seconds after i put my mouth on his cock. nice.

-- my last ex passed out a few times in bed. he's an alcoholic, so he would never admit when he was really that drunk -- he just thought he needed viagra.

-- this one i'm sure noone will believe, but it's the best. at my old job, i was working late one night. must have been around 10 pm, the office was totaly deserted. or so i thought, because when i started to get bored i decided to hit the bathroom to relieve a little stress -- i guess i was being loud (as i usually am), and the big boss kicked the door in because he thought something was wrong. a leetle backstory -- big boss had hit on me at the christmas party a few months before that, i never turned him down but nothing ever happened. well, being that he kicked in the door and i was 2 fingers deep................i fucked him on his desk :) on top of the payroll for the next week. it was good. and i never told anyone either -- not even my BFF, who worked there -- for fear that someone would find out and i'd be fired and he'd be in trouble. but it was so worth it ;)

i've got more, but i'm tired of typing.

Dad?

[buying plane ticket to NJ]

I call bullshit on these stories unless you show your tits on cam.

nice try. i'm not falling for it. you see the pic up there, deal with it.