True Bedroom Stories (Virgins come take notes)
 

Loveline has been in a rut lately, so share true stories that are fucked up. It doesn't necessarily have to be sex, but you get the idea.

Virgins, take notes because this is what love really looks like.

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Over this past fall I dated an alcoholic girl who would always have parties at her house. She probably "blacked out" about 5 nights a week too btw. She was always feeling frisky (probably because of the sauce) and I of course didn't mind this at all.

I know what you are thinking, "Classy MattJack, you got a winner."

First of all, she boyfriended me, but that's a different story all together. I digress.

So one night we are doing the party thing and getting completely faced. She had been giving me those stupid bedroom eyes all night, so I knew what was to come.

Well I thought I knew.

So we stumble back in the bedroom and start doing that sloppy make-out-take-off-clothes-romantic-comedy thing. So finally comes the secks.

I think I'm doing this fucking great job, you know, giving it that A+ 100% drunken stuff. As this goes on for a few mins I'm all feeling like I'm the man! I started saying stupid shit like, "Yea!" "Like that?" and whatever other little things that'll make me feel cool n shit.

I start to notice she's being really quiet while I'm trying to obviously set the landspeed record. Then out of nowhere I hear her start snoring loudly. I stopped and kind of shook her,

"Hey.. hey.. you okay?.. You.. awake...?"

Yup, she was dead to the world and was in a complete bear-like hibernation. I just kind of paused, slowly backed out, put on my clothes, and then slit my wrists with a spoon.

:(

lol it cracks me up.

I would have kept going and then jizzed all in her hair! :lol

So anyway, the coolest thing me and my girlfriend have ever done was when we went deep into a forest where no one could see us. she leaned me up against a tree, pulled my pants down, pulled out some KY, and went to fucking work on my johnson (her handjobs feel much better than her blowjobs, which are also amazing ;))!! After I came all over the dried leaves and pine needles on the ground, it was my turn to do her! We then went back to her house for Thanksgiving dinner like nothing weird had happened!! :lol

That's not really an odd story or anything, kinda like a softcore porn, but it'll do! It had a nice festive, holiday twist at the end.

I couldn't keep going, something about lifeless bodies just make me feel icky :(

one time i was so plastered that i kept calling my boyfriend of 4 years different guys names while he was screwing me. all he said was 'shut the fuck up.'

:D

lol that's fucking awesome Glow.

That man had true dedication and perseverance, imho.

POSTED YEARS AND YEARS AGO:

So, the first thing to know about losing one's virginity is that boys will last like twenty seconds max in all probability, and girls will have discomfort if not bleeding and pain. With this in mind, I got plastered one night and took a lass three years my senior back to my room. I was all kinds of glad that I was so intoxicated (roughly 18 drinks in my system that night), because I was lasting forever! I couldn't come even when I wanted to! Perfect!

Until I threw up and the lass excused herself as I passed out.

My first time was also my first experience with a condom. I didn't come. :(

Hooray birth-control pills! :rave

why am i supposed to be taking notes

is there gonna be a test on how to be despicable later

there is going to be a pop quiz within a few weeks on how to lose your dignity and self esteem. I hope you are prepared.

lol nice Seth. You couldn't make it to the bathroom or floor? I've almost been thrown up on, but thank god I didn't because I can't handle throw up :( Throw up makes me throw up.

That reminds me of this guy I use to work with about 2 years ago. He wasn't really the brightest, in fact I thought he had learning issues when I first met him. Turned out he wasn't slow or anything, just incredibly stupid.

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So I go back to work after one weekend and Brad (that's his name!) and I are talking about what we did. Well he tells me that he went to a party and got laid. Cool huh? Well.. this is how the conversation went..

"So what did you do this weekend Brad?"

"Man I got wasted! I drank a fifth of Wild Turkey and had sex with this girl at HER house and at HER party. It was in the bathroom while the party was going on."

"That's cool man, do you know her or what?"

"Nah man, she's only like 16 though," Brad says to me.

"You know that's kind of, um, illegal, right?"

"Man Matt, it's a mind over matter thing."

"Oh is it now?"

"Yea Matt, if they don't mind, it don't matter!"

"Wow dood, that's pretty bad. I'd watch out for that jailbait Brad."

"Yea well here is the fucked up part though... I bent her over the sink and we start having sex. Within like 5 minutes she starts throwing up all in the sink, I just kind of paused for a second. I didn't know what to do."

"So what did you do?"

"Well, I just gave it about 10 seconds, pulled back her hair, then I started going again! huhuhuhuhuh!"

"Brad, that's fucked up, and borderline rape. You understand when you die you're going to hell, right?"

"Well I..."

"Yea, I'm gonna go mop the floor now dood."

Actually, I think it all got on the floor and what sheets were draped over the side of the bed. I just know that I had to ask myself for a brief moment (that probably felt like minutes) whether I should keep going or not.

I hate to break it to ya, Matt, but I think you raped her!

The first time I had sex I could barely even do it, dudes. I was like all shaking & shit. But after the first awful time, we fucked later that day and I was alot more comfortable. I actually look back on losing my virginity & I am kind of emberassed ;p

I played it cool my first time and she didn't know. The girl I was with was older and more experienced (21 OMG that's so old she bought me beer) but she was totally codependent and took my lead on everything. And sex with her wasn't very good because I didn't respect her at all and I kinda felt like I'd rather be doing something else.

There was this one time in Peterborough, Ontario... My buddies and I, man were we EVER shitfaced... So we see this girl who's walking with some dude in the nightclub part of town... My friend Greg yells out "Your girlfriend's a slut!!" She turns around, "HEEEYYY BOYYYSS!!" Oh no... Anyways, we go to her apartment, 3 of my friends gangbang her, and I pissed in her microwave and stole her computer... She ended up crying after the fucking, and then asked my buddies for $5 each. CLASSY! Oh man, she was so fucking ugly to boot, I stole her college student card just so I could remind my friends what she looked like. Note: I didn't touch her

...huh.

scottmacinnis nobody believes your bullsh*t lies

go spread them somewhere that people are gullible

I promise you, this was no lie. We still call her "swamp donkey" to this very day. One of those unforgettable moments in life.

Are you the guy that writes those scenarios you see on porn sites?

You call the girl all your buds did, "swamp donkey?" She sounds so hot.

I could never have a threesome, ever.

I don't really desire having two women going to sleep angry and disappointed next to me. One is bad enough.

If you're in a threesome and you start to get the impression that both of them are going to be pissed and disappointed at you, just jizz on the bed where one of them was going to sleep. If it pisses her off, so what? She's sleeping on the couch now anyway! And on the off-chance that she likes that kind of thing, you know, like she's one the freaky cum-whores you find all over the internets who can't get enough man-jooce, well then she'll be happy and only the other one will be pissed!

Of course it's not really a win-win situation, since yer still gonna sleep with at least one psycho bitch who didn't get her O and is about ready to personally give to a tracheotomy so she can shove a handful of Enzyte down your throat, but oh well! :lol

Sniper, I'm going to bring back this thread just for you.



So I bring this girl home, one drink leads to eight, and before I know it the deed is about to happen on mah couch.

As things heat up, I notice she keeps making this face that I guess is suppose to be from pleasure, which is odd because it's me we are talking about, not some guy who has a big weiner or knows what he's doing.

I kind of brush it off, and do that "don't look at her face" move. Number 1 because I don't think women are equal to men in the slightest, and number 2 because the face she is making keeps getting worse and worse.

Finally, I look at her again about 5 minutes later and she looks like a blowup doll with her eyes looking straight up. She looks like she has a dinosaur egg in her mouth and she is so amazed at her own eyebrows that she can't stop trying to look at them. Not to mention the odd noises she is making. It just freaks me out and I stop.

Then I said the typical,

"I.. I just can't.. I don't feel right. I feel like I'm taking advantage of you.. It's me, not you."

Don't think I ever felt so cold and alone before in my life.
:(

Shades of Tucker Max.

I was about 17 and was quite smitten with a girl from my school. She had just transfered in from a rival school a few months earlier so I really didn't know a whole lot of personal information about her. We ended up talking at a few parties, shootin' the shit so to speak.

One night a friend and I were at a club and we happened to see the girl (Brandi) and her friend. I was underage, but the only way I could dance was if I let the liquor do it for me, so I was pretty drunk before I even got to the club. Anyways, I danced with Brandi a few times and we agreed to go back to my friend's place to drink some more. I was drinking pretty heavy during the ride back and by the time we got to my friend's place, I was some fucked up.

Brandi says she's tired and wants to watch a movie. So we get under the covers on a couch while my friend gets in his bed with her friend (bed and couch in same room). We pop in "The Abyss" on VHS (yeah, poor frig dancing movie, I know) and before I get back under the covers I declare that we should shotgun some beers down. The girls declined but my friend and I proceeded to shotgun two beers each back-to-back. We shut off the lights, and the fun begins. Or so I thought.

A few minutes pass and i'm down to my boxers and she's down to her bra and panties. Nasty things were going down and then...that was it. When I woke up, it was 6am, the tv was playing static, and I was lying on the couch in my boxers with no pillow or covers. My stupid drunk ass had passed out on top of her, and in disgust she ended up sleeping on the floor. When she woke her and the friend walked out the door without saying a word.

In retrospect it was a good thing nothing actually happened because later on I saw her at a party having sex with two different guys within mere hours of each other. I later found out from some guys from her old school that multiple partners in the same night was a common activity for her. :(

:lol

I've had whiskey dick before, but god damn. I had a friend who claimed he had passed out on top of a girl before and I always doubted him, but now I believe him.

Atleast you didn't pull a Seth and turn into the Tazmania Devil on her.

As far as the whore thing goes, I can't really talk :(

I'm pretty good at making bad decisions :(

Here's an experience that left me crying in the corner in the fetal position:

For a long time, I had operated under the delusion that my penis is a full 6 inches when erect (and I still maintain that it is when fully erect, YOU JERKS! >: ), but my girlfriend (the same one from my previous story) didn't think it was quite that long. So one evening, while I was ejoying an esquisite blowjob, she gets the idea to eliminate any sense of manhood I had by pulling out a ruler and proving me wrong. :(

Just above 5 inches. :(

When erect but not yet fully erect YOU JERKS!!!!! >:

:lol

That's why I always keep a ruler around that is actually only 10 inches but still reads 12. You got to think ahead, bruh.

i have to get a 12 inch ruler that's actually 14 inches otherwise girls get scared that i might rip them apart :O

I GOTTA BUST OUT THE TAPE MEASURE BOOYAHHHHH

j/k i don't think a lady has looked at my dick since my football physical in '94

oh wait there was that time i got urethritis a couple years ago n/m

STAY AWAY FROM MOWEN

yeah if my d*ck really was that long i'd be well advised not to mow anything due to the chance of accidental shortening

Once upon a time, I ended in a local whorehouse with some of my buds. Drunk as skunks we were. We summarily each paid the equivalent of 90USD for some gooood times. We were allowed 1 hour for some real special Loveline commitment and sloppy sex. I ended up with ‘swamp donkey’ and before you could say “True Bedroom Stories (Virgins come take notes)” she was naked and laying on the bed. I couldn’t vouch for her ‘bedroom eyes’ ‘cause I was doing a rap dance trying to get rid of my clothes. I was falling all over the place. We started what could only resemble a poorly constructed wrestling match on WrestleMania23. After several belly flops and ‘kick her in the crotch’ manoeuvres, she, yes SHE, decided it was time (that damn ‘kick her in the crotch’ move has cost me since) to do IT. She grabbed me bone with all the intent and purpose to do something serious with it. The problem was that it was no BONE. Nothing Nada. It would have made the website of Men’s Clinic International look prestigious!

Anyways, trying to get some dignity back, I suggested that she play with herself while I watch, in the hope it would, you know, sort of assist in this delicate matter. With a look of disgust (or was that a gleam in her eye?) she did just that. Even that couldn’t restore my ‘manhood’. Before the hour was up she must have sunken at least twice into post-masturbation bliss! I was still sitting there trying to focus on the emergency number for Men’s Clinic International. Wells, my hour was up and she politely (or was that a look of disgust?) ushered me out of the room.

It was only the following morning that I realize that I, yes I, actually paid a lot of money to a skunk whore to play with herself! >: I have never been the same again. This makes me sad.:(

saucy!

One time, I had consensual sex in the missionary position.

Wild, I know.

This isn't really a "Bedroom Story," but it's true.

So my girlfriend had teased me all one night. She wouldn't let me do anything, but she thought it'd be a great idea to give me some crazy blue balls.

The next morning she teased me even more. It was pretty awful really. After about an hour of this she had to get up and go to work. I just went back to sleep because it was early.

Well when I woke up a couple hours later I was in complete pain. I've always heard about blue balls hurting n shit, but this was the real deal. My lower stomach felt like it had knots in it and I could feel my swollen jewels in almost every step I took. I thought this would simply go away after an hour or so, well, it didn't.

It's now about 2pm and I'm just like, "Fuck this! I can barely walk."

I go into the bathroom to rub one out because I guess I thought that would cure me.

Well we kept the cat in the bathroom for about 75% of the day because he would spray EVERYWHERE, so fuck having your apartment smelling like piss.

I walk into the bathroom and throw the cat outside. It's time for "MattJack Time."

I grab her smell-good lotion and proceed with beating up my little german soldier. After some time, I explode like a damn porn star :wank

I couldn't control my aim, but who can? I cracked open an eye during this epic event, and saw that I had been shooting across the bathroom and landing it all in the cat's bowl the whole time.

I'm so sorry Chewy. I washed your bowls, but I know you got a keen sense of taste :(

some lame fuck had the nerve to spit on my girly parts for lube and i threw him the hell out.

you do not spit on a girl's girly parts. >:

i scared a dude out of screwing me by pulling out a 8" curved knife with super sharp spikes on the handle from under my pillow. :)

ummm, ummmm, when i was in labor, i had to pee in to a toilet that had a seive type strainer thing in the bowl and when i wiped this giant 3 foot long, 2 inch wide brown-green booger came out of my crotch. it's called a mucous plug and it's the most disgusting thing you men will ever see come out of your woman ever. EVER.

Ugh. What did he say when you threw him out?

Is that your baby in the picture, by the way? :love

The only thing missing from that story is when Eugene Levy walks by and for some irrational reason (curiosity?) licks the bowl clean. Then it's American Pie 6.

lol i wish somebody would pay me a stupid amount of money for American Pie 6 :(

or I'd like to just have lunch with Jewgene Levy. See what I did there?

I feel that the only person here qualified to give noteworthy information is glowbelly.

Matt your just a slut.

YOU'RE A SLUT

I wish

my two children were both c-sections, so I never experienced the mucous plug.

Well I'll toss one in.
In college I was seeing a girl for awhile. Normal sex, no biggie. But one night she comes to my dorm drunk as hell and we end up having sex. She's riding me while we're sitting up, and I suddenly feel a gushing from between her legs. I throw her off of me, onto the floor and shout "YOU PISSED ON ME!" so loud the whole dorm could hear, and I did figure it was piss because she was drunk. Apparently she'd just had a female ejaculation which she had learned how to have from that sex show that old lady hosted on Lifetime.
She was real embarassed when she had to walk out though, people figuring she'd peed.

Not a single one of my stories have an ounce of class to them. Some aren't as bad as others though. These are just some highlights:

- virginity lost in a back alley behind a friend's house during a party. She asked for my number after and I said I didn't have a phone. A couple minutes later I realized that in my drunken stupor I neglected to notice that I was texting when she asked me for my number. It was the night before I turned 17.

- One summer my friend and his gf drank a whole lot and I eventually managed to bed all 3 of her closest friends (separate occassions:()

- I forgot that I was chewing tobacco while fooling around with girls on 2 separate occassions. Once it was just making out and the other time I was fucking the girl in my friend's parent's Bronco. I ended up swallowing most of the spit :(. It was also very weird because it took her like 5 minutes to get her shoes off.

- The main reason I screwed the aforementioned spit girl was because my best friend was for some reason bad mouthing me and doing his best to cock block so he could have her for himself, I'm guessing. I'd already fooled around with her earlier in the night and when he'd gotten wind of it, he started telling her about how I avoid girls that I sleep with, etc. I was pretty drunk and had no real intention of trying to have sex with her, but that pissed me off so I got a condom and we ended up DOIN' THE NASTY.

- While drunk and alone in a bedroom with a girl at a party, she started to talk about how its different for girls and guys when they lose their virginity. She said how badly it hurt the first time, etc. I kind of zoned out and just looked at the ceiling and nursed my beer. Then I realize she's rubbing my leg a bit and she concluded by saying that if we do something, I need to be gentle. I had wanted to nail this girl for months so I didn't exactly need convincing at that point. We go to it and at some point she is in pain and we slow down a bit. Then I wake up and we're both sleeping on the bed. Her with some of her clothes back on and me completely naked. Two guys who I know but wouldn't really call friends come in and laugh at the scene, making sure to point out my spongebob squarepants boxers that were lying on the floor. I had the nickname spongebob for a while. Really not funny.

- I fucked a girl and shortly after found out that she had given birth mere months before :O. I was drunk so I wasn't bothered too much though.

- At a gigantic annual concert event thing, I am picked up by a very hot 29 year old who tells me that she has a kid back home. She introduces me to her married friends who she's staying with and after a few more drinks, the two of us go back to their trailer and she sucks me off for like 20 minutes (seth's right, being drunk is great for endurance) but doesn't wanna fuck because she knows the dangers of unprotected sex and neither of us had condoms. So she continues blowing me and my phone rings. I kind of laugh and she says I should probably answer it as it could be my friends looking for me. It turns out it was just a friend from home who didn't make it out to the concerts but wanted to know how it was. He then asks to speak to the girl (woman!) and I let him. It was weird!

There's another 2 worth mentioning but they're thoroughly disgusting and the kind of things you only let out when you're drunk with friends and sharing stories.

oh boy, do i have some good ones.

-- most recently, i hooked up with a guy i met online (that's my MO nowadays), we hung out for a while watching movies and drinking, he wasn't making a move. so, in my drunken state i decided to just go for it -- what's the worst that could happen?? well, the he was defenitley the worst kisser ever (nowhere near my mouth, and then when he finally found it he just shoved his tongue in my mouth and started making super fast circles, not hot at ALL), and finally, reliazing that i really did want to get laid, i took off my shirt and he totally had no idea what to do with my tits. just for reference, i'm 38DD, so most guys love them and spend inappropriate amounts of time playing with them. So, after about 20 minutes of awful kissing and terrible groping, i kicked him out. Politley, mind you, but he had to go. That night was a porn night, for sure (once he left).

-- my first time (i was 16), i was at a party and decided it was time to figure out what all the hype was about. i ended up hooking up with a 24 year old, going at it right in the living room. of course, thehost walked in, freaked out and kicked us out. so we went back to his house, and kept going for hours. he was totally excited, because i had told him it was my first time and he figured i'd be in pain after a few minutes and no more. i wore him out -- kept asking for more untill he finally said he couldn't get it up. just goes to show you how my sex drive works.

-- oh god. the guy who wanted to fuck me while i was wearing stockings -- not a big deal, untill i realized he wanted me to jerk him off with my FEET while wearing stockings. weird.

-- the guy i wasn't attracted to, but i was dying to get some. this totally backfired on me -- i was totally just going to fuck him and never talk to him again..........untill i took off his pants and realized he had the biggest, most perfect cock i had ever seen. i actually said, out loud, "oh my GOD!", to which he replied "you weren't expecting that, were you??". i sure wasn't. needless to say, 4 hours and multiple orgasms later, i had changed my mind about never seeing him again. apparently though, he had the same idea as i had originally-- he never called me again. *pouts* was that my punishment for something?!?!?

-- taking my ex's virginity in the backseat of his mom's Volvo. poor kid still talks about it to this day. traumatized.

-- giving some guy a blowjob while my then boyfriend was sleeping in the next room. i knew he was cheating on me, so that was my payback. the kiss after i swallowed the other guy's cum? that was just for fun.

-- the 20 year old i hookedup with after the big breakup, who had amazing skills in bed but would randomly shout really nasty insults at the top of his lungs in the middle of sex. you know, i get the normal stuff, but calling me a stupid fucking whore and telling me you're going to cum in my ear is not necessary. at all.

-- done alot of semi-public stuff -- parks at night, cars, french class (there was a sub, noone was paying attention. dress + nothing underneath = fun for all!!), my parents house when they were in the next room, in a hot tob, blah blah blah. always ends up kinda funny.

-- the ex who liked to talk on the phone while i was giving him head to see how long he could go before the other person asked "are you okay??". it was never very long. i gots skillz :)

-- OH!!! the guy who swore that he could last forever and was going to fock my world, only to cum 30 seconds after i put my mouth on his cock. nice.

-- my last ex passed out a few times in bed. he's an alcoholic, so he would never admit when he was really that drunk -- he just thought he needed viagra.

-- this one i'm sure noone will believe, but it's the best. at my old job, i was working late one night. must have been around 10 pm, the office was totaly deserted. or so i thought, because when i started to get bored i decided to hit the bathroom to relieve a little stress -- i guess i was being loud (as i usually am), and the big boss kicked the door in because he thought something was wrong. a leetle backstory -- big boss had hit on me at the christmas party a few months before that, i never turned him down but nothing ever happened. well, being that he kicked in the door and i was 2 fingers deep................i fucked him on his desk :) on top of the payroll for the next week. it was good. and i never told anyone either -- not even my BFF, who worked there -- for fear that someone would find out and i'd be fired and he'd be in trouble. but it was so worth it ;)

i've got more, but i'm tired of typing.

Dad?

[buying plane ticket to NJ]

I call bullshit on these stories unless you show your tits on cam.

nice try. i'm not falling for it. you see the pic up there, deal with it.

Whatever. One question for you though. Do you find using a vibrator degrading?

more true bedtime stories, less fondling the new girl.

ALL RIGHT KIDS, TAKE IT TO THE CHAT ROOM THREAD: http://www.i-mockery.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8799

Any further posts from you in this thread will be moved there anyway.

:modpowers

Back when I was touring in the 80's, I had my one and only casual affair with a very pretty comedian. She was also quite the sexual athlete, but the entire time I kept thinking, 'This certainly looks good, I really ought to be enjoying it more, or at all.'

I stayed the night but woke up about three AM from a horrible nightmare that I was being chased by eight foot tall bugs. I ran into a room and tried to slam the door on them, and managed to, but several twitching bugs legs wedged their way through and were scrabbling around trying to get at me.

I didn't scream when I woke up, but it took some effort.

I suppose this means I'm insane.

No, sleeping with Paula Poundstone has that effect on everyone.

It wasn't anyone famous. I would have so name dropped if it was. On the other hand, she'd once slept with one of the Indigo Girls.

I feel like I need a shower now.... :(

You guys ready to L OH L?

This is kind of a long story. BUT IT'S A GOODIE! And sorry for all the backstory...but I'm going to write an epic tale about it one day.
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So...I'm on this cruise last April, right? I went with my friend and his family to the Caribbean. Beautiful. If you ever get the chance, then go. Unknown to me was that stepping onto that boat would be the end of my boy-hood and start the MANLY life with a double kill

My friend and me are checkin' out this huge boat. It was the Celebrity Century, if you're curious. There's everything. A nightclub, a casino, two pools, three hottubs. Oh the hottubs...So I'm checking out the hottubs and peering to see who was relaxing in them while my friend was playing around with his new digital camera. I'm also convinced my friend is asexual.

Anyway...I look in and see these two beautiful blonds. Now...I'm lookin' good. I've got my beach bod goin and my Top Gun sunglasses. I ask if they're goin anywehre soon. They tell me that they're staying in the hottub and are willing to save me a spot (yeah...I'm good). I rush up to my room and get my swimming shorts on. Go back down to the deck where they are and hop in.

It turns out the one I was really interested in (blonde, big tits, tan, shorter) brought her friend (blonde, smaller tits, tanner, and tall) from New York with her Parents. Anyway...that doesn't matter. They were ridiculously hot. That's all that really mattered.

So my fingers were getting pruney and I felt like hanging out with my buddy. So I told them I'll see them around. Met up with my friend and smoked a cigar at the back of the ship drinkin' a cool brew. I told him about the two girls and he said he just wants to relax. I told him if he doesn't wingman with me I'll have to take things in my own hands and have sex with both of them.

So that night I'm hanging out at the Hemisphere Lounge. The dance club. I'm there with my friend and the two girls walk in. They sit down and I introduce them to my friend. He was friendly but uninterested. So they got bored quick. They said they're going to go on the floor and dance. I soon followed. I was being all Rico Suave and dancing with both of them while my friend was watching...which was kinda sad. They were both grinding on me and having fun and whatnot. I look at one and she was eyefucking me. I looked at the other one and she was doing the same thing.

Eventually we all get tired and say goodnight. The short one told me she'll see me the next day and sort of grabbed my chubby cock (they were REALLY good dancers) with her friend following giving me one last eye-quickie.

The next day we're in port at Key West. Absolutely gorgeous there. Go before you die. So my friend and me are walkin' around and it's a cool place. We buy some nice cigars and get back on the boat around 3. We had to leave early to get to Cozumel, Mexico (which is a shitpile)

So I'm walkin around the main deck and the two girls see me and scream to me from the upper deck to go there to tan with them. I go up the stairs and meet them. It was kinda like in caddy shack where the italian jerk caddy was oiling the hot girl's back. But I was doing that with TWO hot girls. Take that daygo. So they're gettin all flirtsy told me they signed me up for a contest on the boat. I said what kinda contest and they told me it was for the KING OF THE CENTURY. Just some contest to entertain the crowed. I see my competition. Three other guys. But they're about 35-40 years older then me. So I'm up there doing tarzan impressions and singing to women trying to get the crowed to vote for me. I came in second place to some black guy. I admit, he was one cool dude, though.

But that contest got me noticed on the boat. Everyone knew my name. And a whole bunch of guys from New York City were drunk enough to think I looked like Screech, from Saved By the Bell. Granted, I do have curly hair...so whatever. I go back to the upper level and lay down with the two girls. The loud obnoxious New Yorkers invite me over with them to drink a couple beers. I ask the girls if they wanna come but I got the feeling they were a little intimidated by them. The one was a diehard Jets fan. And a couple years back when the Steelers won the Superbowl, he got a Steelers helmet tattoo on his arm because he was so drunk. Those are the types of guys they were. So we're talkin and drinkin some brew. And one comes up to me and asks "HEY, SCREECH, WHICH ONE OF THEM BITCHES YOU GONNA FUCK? CUZ I WANT THE OTHER!" I told him I don't know and that they're both underage LOL. Another buts in and asks "HEY YO, SCREECH, YOU EVER BEEN WITH A WOMAN BEFORE?" I told them no but that's going to change after this trip. A simultaneous "AWWW" and "OHHHH" came from all of their mouths. And one that I remember in particular, named Ray, who, was in fact, gay. Told me that with their help, I'm going to fuck both of those broads before this cruise is over.

So I say goodbye to my new friends from NYC and the girls from Syracuse. The rest of the day was typical cruise bullshit. Fancy dinners. Dressing nice. Drinking and smoking expensive cigars. Without paying for any of it.

We hit Mexico and I walk off with my buddy. We walk around for a grand total of three hours and get back on the boat. Because Mexico just pissed us off. All they did was sit and smoke weed. It's so dirty. Seriously...fuck Mexico. Plus the food on the boat was way better.

I'm walkin around and find the two girls in the hottub again (this time they exchanged bathing suites). But I'm in a suite and tie. Just got out of another fancy dinner about to smoke another amazing cigar. I told them I'll meet them at the Hemisphere later that night. They agreed.

A couple hours passed and I'm in my "Hey I look really good" clothes goin' down to the dance club. When all of a sudden the New Yorkers are drunk and trying to find 'THE DISCO! YO SCREECH YOU KNOW WHERE THE DISCO'S AT?' I told them I was going there and they an follow me. They told me that 'WE CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON YOU, SCREECH!' I told them I was meeting the girls at the bar to dance. And Gay Ray told me that if he don't find a man to sleep with tonight I can take his room and drink all the booze in the place if I think I can get lucky with the girls. He hands me his room card. I look at it. It was on one of the top floors in a suite! Huge balcony with great view. He told me how to get there in detail.

I meet up with the two girls at the Hemisphere and we're dancing together. All the while the New Yorkers are feeding me and the girls drinks. I never had an Irish Car Bomb before that night. So I'm pretty plastered and I can tell the two girls want to get somewhere more quiet and comfortable. That's when I ask. "Do you want to come up to my room?" They said sure.

So I leave the Hemisphere and give Gay Ray the discrete Thumbs UP. We go to the room. Now...I've never seen this room before. I had no idea how nice or shitty it was going to look. Well...when you pay extra for those fancy suites...you get your money's worth. Instead of a mini fridge filled with Corona and other shit. It was a full fridge/freezer with Cristal Champaign, vintage wine, Bohemia, and a whole mess of fancy alcohol. And the bed of course was a king. Perfectly folded. Those maids sure are better then the comfort inn!

We go out on the balcony and listen to the light waves hit the side of the ship. There's about five chairs on the balcony and one bench. I move the bench forward so it's close to the glass of the balcony. I sit in the middle and the two girls sit in between me. We pop open a bottle of champaign and start drinking...CLASSY. The two girls are talking to me one at a time asking me a whole bunch of questions. Am I that interesting? The short one finally asks me. 'So...Screech, are you a virgin?' I told her that if she ever would of watched saved by the bell she would of known that screech was the biggest pimp there was. She asked again. "Ok. Clayton, are you a virgin?" I admitted yes.

The short girl looks at her tall friend and asks if I think they both were cute. I told them both that there aren't too many girls like them around my home. They giggle and then look at me with those eyefucking eyes again. The tall one leans in and kisses me. Not hardcore makeout session, but a good wet one. Then the Short one with big tits turns my head and then starts kissing me. This one had a little more 'uhhhh' to it.

So they're kissing me. They unbutton my shirt and then rub my stomach. They start kissing each other and the short one asks "So Mr. Screech, do you like that?" All I could muster to say was "This is awesome".

They both pull me up from the bench. Each one has one of my hands. The short one grabbed the Champaign and we went inside. They lead me to the huge fucking giant of a bed and we all sit down. We pass around the champaign again drinking right out of the bottle. I never understood why rappers love that shit so much. It was good...but not amazing. Anyway, I lay down and rub my shoes off. They do the same. The tall one reaches up and dims the lights. While she was doing this the short one asked if I wanted to get under the covers with them because it was cold. I politely agreed. Knowing that it would be way too difficult to get comfortable when I was in the middle and not under the covers.

So all three of us are finally under the covers and miraculously find one of each of their hands on my cock! I know! The tall one told me that I'm not like any guy they've met and they both like me. They think I'm hot, charming and funny. The short one chimed in and told me "So we want to fuck you." I, again, politely agreed. They unzip my pants and start doing that whole double-handjob thing you think you've only seen in porn. The tall one goes down under the covers and starts blowing me. Now, I've had PLENTY of blowjobs in the past, but it's just so much cooler getting one and making out with another girl at the same time. While I'm getting fellatied, the short one takes off her clothes and basically shoves her pus in my face. So I'm trying not to jizz everywhere from this amazing blowjob AND eat this other girl out. You only see this type of this in the movies.

So I needed a few seconds from the blowjob to cool down. I get up. At this point both of them are now naked. I look at the short one and she opens her legs again. (Anyone getting a chubby yet?) I slide my dick inside her and start humping slowly. I'm standing up and shes on her back on the bed. I'm ramming her pretty hard not and she's going nuts. For a good fifteen minutes I'm railing the shit out of her and she's moaning like there's not tomorrow. Finally I feel my cock getting squeezed really hard. Like Ted Nugent's STRANGLE HOLD. I got the short one to orgasm. So the two girls switch positions. Not I'm fucking the tall one. But she told me to bend her over and fuck her doggystyle. Now, I don't know about you guys but once I slid it in there from the back end, I was ready go cum all over the joint.

I quickly pulled out and told them I'm about to cum. They got down on their knees and waited for it. I thought 'NO FUCKING WAY. THIS IS TOO COOL!' Now I didn't beat off for a couple days before the trip and on the cruise you've got no time to, really. So I had a good strand going. The short one with big tits got covered while I left the tall one mostly untouched. I figured, since I didn't get her to orgasm, she doesn't deserve a face full of jizz...yet.

I told them I was going to take a bath to clean up. That fucking tub in that room was bigger then the hottubs on the deck. So I hop in after the warm water filled it up. The tall girl followed. Still, naked, she asks if I'm ready. I told her to bend over. She bent over the tub and on to the marble shelving area. It was all connected so it didn't really matter. I'm fucking her pretty hard now. Getting bold, I start pulling her hair and slapping her ass. Spilling water all over the bathroom. Her pussy wasn't as tight as the short girls with big tits. Oh well. I fucked her til she orgasmed too. She squirted all this shit into the tub. Then I pulled out and came all over her back...rawful.

Getting out of the bathroom I find the short girl smoking a cigarette. I light a cigar. I felt like Hugh Hefner. Only with a cotton robe. But Egyptian Cotton, at that.

They asked me for my phone number which I gave them. We're still in contact here and there but I don't plan on meeting them any time soon. Nothing could beat that. Except if they had more friends.

The story wasn't really that funny...just badass I guess

I AM DISAPPOINTED, SIR, THAT YOU FAILED TO RECEIVE A BLOWJOB FROM THESE TWO GIRLS SIMULTANEOUSLY >:

But yeah I mean who hasn't had sex on a cruise ship with two girls at the same time, though? It's just another Tuesday for me :rolleyes

I find that story to be shallow and pedantic. :posh

J/K HICKMAN THAT IS A NICE STORY FOR A ROOKIE, DON"T WORRY MAN LOTS OF WIMMENS WILL COME (LOL GET IT) AND GO (YEA THEY BETTER GO I DON"T WANT THEM SKANKS HANGIN AROUND SKANKIN UP THE PLACE AMIRITE) I MEAN I REMEMBER BACK IN THE DAY WHEN I WAS LIKE YOU JUST STARTING OFF IN THE WORLD OF SEXUAL EXPLORATION WITH MULTIPLE PARTNERS AND IT GETS BETTER SO DON"T WORRY. ;)

OH SAM DON'T WORRY ONCE AFTER THAT HAPPENED I BECAME THE JUKEBOX HERO OF ONE NIGHT STANDS!

SPOILERS! (I don't know how to do the whole eye thing yet so F off jerks)
I kinda left out the small bit from my story about when I was done cumming for the first time I slapped my dick on the short one's tongue. Which I saw in a porno once.

Wow.

If that story was in brail, blind people would jerk it so much that they'd lose their non-eyesight.

I felt amazingly dirty when reading that, so

I APPROVE OF THIS MESSAGE BY HICKMAN

You should go and hijack seth's "king of awesomeland" thread with that story.

that's nothing compared to BAPE'S exploits.

YOUR mistake is trying to compare anything of BAPE's to the rest of the world.

Did you at any point during this fall asleep and dream about being chased by gigantic bugs? 'Cause that's what I want to know about.

was this womans name Kafka, by any chance, Max?

My boyfriend was fingering me, and it was starting to get good. Then all my muscles down there relaxed and I farted right in his face. He retreated quickly, and wouldn't anyone? After he got over the shock, (and it was more of a toot than a smell) he got back to making me squirm and moan. Then I farted again. Repeat of before and when I started getting close to orgasm for the 3rd time, my body unclenched and I laid a fourth fart right in his face. By then, the mood was completely unsalvageable. Not even my horny near-virgin boyfriend could withstand such a barrage of farts.

(He has not remained near virgin because of me. He was raised with all that Catholic guilt, so we only get up to foreplay pretty much.)

Good way to ruin a man for life.

He inhaled hot fart at point blank while not even being close to prepared for it. Pol Pot used that shit on his prisoners.

I think queefs have to be the funniest noise in the world

I believe what you are referring to is the "Puerto Rican Fog Bank". :posh

yeah, queefs are funny and not stinky.

God I hope I didn't ruin him. He seemed to still be eager last time we were alone.

Alright I gotta throw in my story. I used to work at a truck stop outside of town, it was a pretty big place that had laundrymat and a buffet restraunt inside it. So i was working as a dish washer in the kitchen and there was this one waitress that started working there and I started talking to on my smoke breaks. So after a few days of flirting with me we just decied to go back to her appartment after work one night. About an hour latter she gets on top and starts grindin away, yeah she was good but after a few minutes something didnt feel right. So i turn the light on and see that theres blood all over me, so i push her off she goes flying and starts screaming "what the fuck is wrong with you???!!!" and i just said why the fuck didnt you tell me you were on a rag? Needless to say it was all over after that and i just got dressed and left and quit that job a few days latter.

:puke
;lkjdg;kjhfg;ljkhfdsg

That is fuckin' disgusting!

Yeah I know thats pretty bad (by far the worst exsperince Ive EVER had). But hey thats what i get for hooking up with a skank that worked at a truck stop.

Did you use a rubber?

Yeah i did, and i would highly recomend that every one use them for there own sake

blood sex is sweet dude! it all hot and slippery. plus, when a girl is bleeding inside her hoochie, she gets way horny and will fuck the shit out of you.

you missed out

See you wernt there, when i flicked that light on i thought ""what the fuck" cuz it was like watching a secne out of a horror movie. so more or less i was disgusted once i relizied what was going on

Ewwww she smeared it all over huh?

Women who regularly orgasm during their periods are less likely to get uterine cancer.




...But I doubt that's relevant for girls you encounter. :rimshot

You are a fountain of knowledge my friend.

theres lots of fountains of stuff going on in this thread

In that times i like to close my face throungh her pussy and paint my nose and my lips so i play to be a bloody clown
:love

El Pila Six Hundred and Sixty Six :

You have both frightened and endeared me to you at the same time.

WARNING YOU MAY GET SICK!!!

I do think EP666 is my favorite new poster

If we had a dozen more people like him why I'd

Care to finish that post? I'm actually curious what you were gonna say...

Well now I've already forgotten. :\

yeh rite, wuss

Smear Jelly over your naked body? Exercise more? Go on a drinking binge and burn down an orphanage? Nothing?

:notfunny

A friend of mine told me about her experience with anal beads.
Someone bought her some as a joke, and she put them on her nightstand. Her then-boyfriend one day decided to try them out (anal beads are for guys mostly).
Now the way you're SUPPOSED to use them is insert them slowly and at the onset of orgasm pull them out SLOWLY (one by one).
Well her boyfriend inserted them in himself and they got busy. When he was about to splurt he reached down to the beads hanging from his ass and pulled it like a parachute ripcord.
According to my friend, when you pull them out that fast you get a poop parachute. She was scrubbing his doodoo from her ceiling and walls for 3 days.

Lesson:
Use anal beads only as directed!

What the hell kind of position was he in that he could hit the walls and ceiling with shit?

She said he was on top of her, traditional missionary position.

During an energy shut down at night it was dark so i was boring and i decided to play with myself a little bit while my parents were sleeping, there was a stormy night, suddenly my mom opened my room's door with a lighter on her hand just to check that everything being ok and she saw me doing the thing, i remember she say something like "son you gonna rip your dick off that way", i fell so shame about it, i thing that's my worse bedroom story ever ;_;

:lol you have to be the best character ever

"During an energy shut down..."

I wish I could start all my stories that way.

Bump!

A few nights ago I brought home a girl that I have been crushing on for a while. After having a few drinks at the bar she decided she wanted to come back to my place to keep the drinking going, so of course I was down. One thing leads to another and we end up "going at it." See this is where you'll just have to believe what I'm about to tell you.. Once we began, about a minute in she just starting having a nice orgasm.

I stopped after the eruption and I was like, "Did you just.. .. ?"

Before I could even finish she said, "Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.. :( "

All I say was, "PPpppffttttt! DONT BE SORRY! DONT BE! THAT IS AWESOME!"

Let me finish up by saying that it was vanilla missionary sex, I don't have a big dick( :( ), and there wasn't some suave ass mood in my bedroom to begin with in the first place. I haven't ever experienced a girl doing that, EVER. When I told my buddy the next day he couldn't believe it either. PLEASE BELIEVE ME INTERNET, PLEASE BELIEVE ME.

Has this ever happened to one of yall? Ladies, any explanations?

PS: She didn't fake it. I can promise you that much.

My ex GF would hit the O if I blew a stiff breeze anywhere her naughty areas. I would like to think it was because I am that awesome, but more likely she was just that prone to O. Made my part of the act of sex easy as pie though