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-   -   what happend to me, a story for chojin (http://i-mockery.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69703440)

10,000 Volt Ghost Jan 2nd, 2010 11:27 AM

I've been high fiving for a few years. It just feels right to do....like you know.....good game.

Pentegarn Jan 2nd, 2010 11:30 AM

A slap on the butt is more traditional for a "good game" though :P

10,000 Volt Ghost Jan 2nd, 2010 11:34 AM

and get my hand all gooey???....no thank you. :P

Pentegarn Jan 2nd, 2010 11:57 AM

That's why you aim the end for the left cheek and slap the right one.

Didn't they teach you anything?

10,000 Volt Ghost Jan 2nd, 2010 12:03 PM

Learning from experience as I go along. I'll try that next time though.

Pentegarn Jan 2nd, 2010 12:07 PM


10,000 Volt Ghost Jan 2nd, 2010 12:10 PM

:lol Even watching that loop is hilarious.

bigtimecow Jan 2nd, 2010 03:41 PM


Pentegarn Jan 2nd, 2010 08:24 PM

We gave up on George already though. Now we are talking about where to finish and what to slap

Chojin Jul 2nd, 2011 07:08 AM

george is back!

Chojin Jul 2nd, 2011 07:21 AM


Originally Posted by Chojin (Post 662841)
well, i guess that's it for george for another 2 years

18 months; i was close

Pentegarn Jul 2nd, 2011 07:40 AM

I thought that when I reread the thread a bit ago

george Jul 2nd, 2011 08:41 AM

ok, i am going to read this again so i am sure to not forget anything. sorry for the two year absence once again, i had some seriously crazy shit happen.

i need a new avatar.

ThrashO Jul 2nd, 2011 09:21 AM

Holy shit. I just read the entire thread and I've been on the edge of my goddamn seat the whole time. It makes me want to read books.

If you don't finish this story I'm going to lose my goddamn mind. George you're the fucking man. Also, I was born in Biloxi! One of my best friends as a kid growing up was killed in Katrina and so was his mother who was my mother's best friend. That story is fucking gay compared to yours though please continue.

george Jul 2nd, 2011 10:23 AM

long cold lonely winter

if i have covered this part bear with me a little bit. in the winter of 2006 i went crazy. i don't mean crazy kind of, or i felt crazy, i mean i lost it for realz.

i came awake and i was on my couch in my tighty whitey's, i had a huge erection, i was listening to Pink Floyd at very high volume, and rolling a gigantic blunt from the biggest bag of weed i had ever seen. i could see my mattress was burning in the front yard.

i tried to remember what had happened. that talking heads song with the line "is this my house?" began to play in my head. and just a little movement of my head was enough to confirm i had destroyed everything in the house.

plates, glasses, pretty much anything that could be broken was FUBAR. i had beaten my kitchen table and chairs to pieces for sins i will never remember. i wandered the house like i was having a dream, the mess was spectacular. i actually toilet papered my own house. i followed the trail of destruction until i got to my bedroom.

my room smelled. mostly cause i had put all of nancy's clothes into trash bags and then had what appeared to be explosive diarrhea in a few, and lacking anymore shit i peed in the rest. this part still makes me giggle.

i also had destroyed nancy's guitar. it was her prized possession. i had found it at a thrift store. it had been in a fire and was coated in soot. i pulled it apart and cleaned it up, and it looked and sounded beautiful in that rare way cheap instruments sometimes do. and i fucked it straight to hell. and this part still makes me giggle too.

then the phone rang. it was nancy.

"are you alright?"

"uh, i guess so." i lied.

"i just got a call that you called Jason's family at four am and said you were going to kill him."

"hmm, uh...." i hung up the phone. i remembered calling everyone in the phone book with the same last name as her new man. i also defiantly threatened to do some kind of killing :)

i also remembered pictures, and an excessively helpful bar tender. Her name was Trish. She had given me thirteen shots of Jaeger and shown me pictures of nancy in various stages of getting gang fucked by a bunch of dudes. this would be the first of many such events. everywhere i went at least one person would tell me yet another humiliation that i just had to know about now it was all over. Soon i will tell you the last (and worst) one of all, but this first one rocked me. the rest just made me sad.

so i look around at my world, smoke my blunt, and decide to run away from home. i leave a note for the kids, get in my car and just start driving. i want to be anywhere than my shit hole home town, i want to find some place to be alone.

instead i drive to south carolina and have extremely dirty sex with nancy's oldest, closest friend. no revenge is better than ATM with the girl your ex has always been secretly jealous of. it still makes me giggle.

more to come, it gets better.

ThrashO Jul 2nd, 2011 11:06 AM


george Jul 2nd, 2011 12:23 PM


i laid low for three days. long enough to decide i needed to get the fuck out of MD and go to SC for good. houses were cheap, there was some jobs and it was nothing like home. i like the south, everyone is polite and they have a "doing it my own pace so fuck you very gently" kind of attitude. life seemed to be looking up.

i got home to find nancy and my landlord in the driveway. now some of you have been to that shit hole farmhouse we lived in, and you can bet the rent i was paying was not being reported. the place was only slightly better than nothing. my personal paper street soap company, and it was the best i could afford. even with a high paying job, 3 room town houses were going for 1900 a month in the section 8 ghetto part of my area. i was paying a lot for that dump and my landlord was very kindly standard 00' republican asshole. i did not want to see him.

i get out of the car and two people i have no interest in talking to start yelling at me. it is cold and gray and it feels like snow and that is all i really care about. i always imagine i looked pretty cool in this moment, staring off at the dull horizon, lighting a cigarette. telling them both to shut the fuck up.

if you have never managed to tell someone to shut the fuck up in a menacingly friendly way, i hope someday you get the chance and pull it off. they both shut the fuck up immediately. in a month of humiliation i had finally shown a little spine.

Turning to my landlord, "Mr. Wrinkles, I am moving out the first of February. I am having some emotional difficulties and do not wish to speak with you."

"If I had known this," pointing to the husk of the burned mattress, "I would never have rented ...." He stopped talking because i had started a quick walk over to whip his republican slum lord ass. i repeat at this point that i was CRAZY, no one should have trusted me with anything. Mr. Wrinkles got the message and got in his lexus and left. i never talked to him in person again.

nancy and i stood there and i felt every ounce of hate i had for 16 years of her bullshit. the wind blew my hair back, it is the only time i have ever been happy with my hair in my entire life. i was an angry man. i looked it.

"You should have asked me before you told him you were moving out, now where are me and the kids going to live?"

wtf? it can be many things, a sound, a motion, a feeling, a universal vibe that everything around you can feel. my WTF? was all those things. i laughed so hard i nearly puked my guts out. by the time i straightened up she was standing there with a very puzzled expression. i decided to clarify things:

"those children will never live with you again for the rest of your entire life. you are a terrible mother, a terrible person, and i hope more than anything that you get exactly what you deserve. i hate you. leave and never come back." she left and never came back.

i called my work and told them i quit. i had gone crazy and was not fit to carry on with my job. i was a danger to myself and others. they let me take a month off, and i could decide what to do after that. it was the best month ever! the kids and i played fable all the way in every possible way. there was a lot of gay rape.

i had lined up a place, had enough money to get started, and was going with our basic shit, and nothing else was coming. and on January 30, 2006 the kids and i burned everything.

more to come, promised AK that i would go to the craft store to get some shit she needs for some shit she is doing (a lot more about AK later)

george Jul 2nd, 2011 01:58 PM

now i am going to tell you the second funniest thing i have ever seen:

it is a week before Christmas in 2007. i am meeting nancy and her boyfriend at the mall to pick up the kids. at this point i have still never met the guy. he has stolen my wife (good job too, i was glad she was gone), and buried my dog. he was justifiably afraid of me and demanded a public meeting place, hence the mall. i look down on myself and realize there is blood all over my shirt. I HAVE TO GO TO OLD NAVY AND BUY A NEW SHIRT :(

i have blood on me because i am working part time as a bartender/bouncer at a local biker bar, and i had to stop two dudes in ass less chaps from fucking the whole place up. one of them bleeds all over me. i put the old navy shirt over the bloody shirt and the blood immediately soaks through. sigh.

now i look as crazy as i feel, and it is all because of bubba. now this may seem like the funny part, and it is pretty great, but it is just setting the mood.


i had a daydream about it. pure clear dream. i knew it happened. and when i got off work and turned on my cell phone, it immediately rang. Nancy.

"You killed my dog." is how i answered. and i hung up. i went on to work at the bar.

it was a slow night and i was trying to close early. a big tub of redneck lard shambles into the bar, and makes it clear he wants to stay. he starts asking me if there are any places with female bartenders open. how the fuck should i know? i ignore him and he tells me a story

Once not so long ago, him and his buddies used to go to a bar and when the place closed and the bartender, a girl named nacy (knda fat, brown hair), would let him and his buddies fuck her. one time they forgot condoms (thank god she made them use them) and she wrapped their dicks in saran wrap and took it in the ass and mouth... (eww..)

i went home to my parents house, watched fiddler on the roof with the girls, made fun of the movie, and when the girls went to bed i went to the living room. i put my head in my mothers lap and cried for the last time over nancy. i was so fucking glad to be rid of her.

so with this in mind, looking a hot mess, and strung out from constant driving and a lot of energy drinks i was sitting and waiting for nancy and dipshit to finish whatever they were doing with my son and i was hating god a little more than usual. and then god sent me a miracle.

this douche bag comes running in with about a dozen Pomeranian on a big dog walker. since one of our favorite family activities is to make fun of the rest of the world, and this guy looked like as smug as the winner of the biggest cock contest at Slutty Whore Beach. and he was whisking his dogs off to get portraits at the mother fucking Sears portrait studio. so i hit my daughter in the arm.

and just as she looks one of the gaggle of dogs lays a huge piece of pipe on the floor, about ten feet from the entrance to the food court in a busy mall. and king cock just keeps cruising. we laugh at the whole scene.

and at once we both realize that there is a turd lurkiing at the entrance of a busy mall. anyone can step on it. we just have to wait for it to go down. there are MANY close calls. some so close it is astounding that it has not gone down yet. and then comes the kid.

ever meet a kid who did need ADD medicine? this kid was that kid on crack, his mother told him to shut up well over twenty times in the short period of time we shared together. watching him dance. over the turd.

he jumped over the turd. he marched over the turd. he was mr. goddamn bojangles and he danced over poo in worn out velcro shoes. and he had no idea the turd was there. and missed stepping on it by a margin of cunt hair well over three hundred times in the ten minutes we watched him. there were well over a thousand near misses that were more hope than anything. this kid did not stop moving until his mom spock pinched him and he fell to his knees right over the turd.

from the angle i had it looked like a little brown boner. my daughter and i laughed so hard. we still talk about this at least once a week. the mother drug the kid off, the turd was intact, and we could not handle any more.

what happened to the turd i dont know. if you want i will tell you a story about the cleaning crew for that mall at another time that is also a very funny tale on it's own. remind me if you like.

and that is how god apologized to me for killing my dog. very appropriate.

next is the funniest thing i ever saw, i hope you enjoyed this one :)

MarioRPG Jul 2nd, 2011 03:04 PM

Never expected to see this story have anything added to it. Loving it, keep the updates a rollin'.
e: but yes, seriously glad to hear that you told nancy off and that she's worthless. Can't really imagine myself in a situation quite like yours, but I can appreciate how it's hard to end things even if they are shitty.

Pentegarn Jul 2nd, 2011 04:36 PM

I think I should just subscribe to this thread, and I never subscribe to threads in a forum ever

Shyandquietguy Jul 2nd, 2011 05:05 PM

I remember reading this thread a long time ago. And I'm also as big as a scared little dork when it comes to making comments as I was then.

George, I am happy you finally stood up and came to terms with yourself and I look forward to more stories from your life.

You are a king of kings and I hope your life is a shit ton better than it was then.

Colonel Flagg Jul 2nd, 2011 05:10 PM

George, welcome back! I thought you were dead. :eek

If that's the second funniest thing you ever saw, God help us all! :lol

Colonel Flagg Jul 2nd, 2011 05:11 PM

And write a book already. >:

george Jul 3rd, 2011 09:45 PM

the funniest thing i ever saw.....

i had beaten Fable, Solid Snake, and Spiderman. i had pulled the kids out of school. i had put everything else i needed to do off to the last moment. i was having a great time. the day had come to destroy yesterdays life.

i began by taking all the small stuff. linens, the odd copy of Swank, everything had to go. dirty clothes? not anymore :) i piled all of this in a small circle in my back yard, and poured about a gallon of gasoline on it.

then i got the bigger shit. dressers, bed frames, anything that would burn.

finally there was nothing left but the couch. a great big sleeper couch from the 1960's that we inherited when Nancy's weirdo wife swapping uncle had croaked. it was huge and heavy. the house i lived in had a set of wooden steps up to the door, and i had only one choice. i had to flip the couch over the porch rail so that it could fall 10 feet to the ground. we hoped it would come apart in some sort of gravity assisted explosion.

the kids gathered around the porch. i heaved one side onto the railing. i got to the other side and flipped the whole thing over the side. the couch tumbled twice in the cold air, and landed on it's side.

the bed part popped open and a squirrel skeleton with a bushy tail came flying out and we all screamed. then we all puked, then started laughing.

and laughing. we had slept on that couch. lived on it. and the skeleton seemed to say it all. we had a lot of fun throwing it and chasing each other around with it.

this may be the part where i fail to express to you how funny this really was. how grim and serious i had been all day. how scared the kids were to have their world changing so fast. how strange i felt in my own life. how i had a part of me saved by the most oddly preserved skeleton i had ever seen.

once we calmed down we added the couch to a burn pile that was easily six feet tall. i added a lot more gasoline. and i ended that part of my life with a fire.

Colonel Flagg Jul 3rd, 2011 11:07 PM

How appropriate.

I often appreciate the cleansing nature of a good rip roaring bonfire.

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