what's it like being gangraped by the beatles?
your mother should know.

A man and his wife are golfing and he tees off on the 9th hole. His shot flies down the fairway and into an abandoned shack.

Man: Shit, now what am I going to do?

Wife: Just play through, it's obvious nobody lives there

Man: OK

So the man pulls out his pitching wedge and aims his shot out the window. He shanks it and the ball bounces off the wall, hitting the man's wife in the head killing her instantly. The man remarries and a couple years later takes his new wife golfing with him at the same course. He gets to the 9th hole and tees off hitting the ball into the exact same abandoned shack.

Man: Shit, now what am I going to do?

Wife: Just play through, it's obvious nobody lives there

Man: No way! Last time I did that I got a triple bogey.

grislygus i'd heard that joke before but it was with a tribe of cannibals and they were gonna make a canoe out of the skin and the guy said "I HOPE YOUR F*CKIN CANOE SINKS"

How many babies does it take to paint a house?

depends how hard you throw them.

How many mexicans can you string up from an apple tree before it falls over?

Ask Pram Maven.

FUCK I just googled that and you're right :(

it's not like that invalidates your joke or anything though :/

You can't FIND my version on google, that means the one I heard is a cheap knockoff, and I like it better :/

yours is more up-to-date because there's barely any cannibals anymore

An old classic:

A guy walks into a bar and pulls out a tiny piano and a tiny pianist

Bartender: That's amazing! Where'd you get that?

Man: I came upon a magic beer can walking along the beach, when I picked it up, this genie came out of it and told me he would grant me one wish.

Bartender: Do you still have that beer can?

Man: No I left it where I found it

The man tells the bartender where the beer can is and the bartender tracks it down, when he finds it, he asks the genie for a million bucks, the next day the man comes back into the bar.

Bartender: What was up with that genie anyway? I asked it for a million bucks and when I got home there was a million ducks in my house.

Man: Do you really think I asked the genie for a 12 inch pianist?

i lold :<

So this guy gets a phone call, and learns he needs to get to the hospital because his wife has been in a terrible car crash.

When he arrives, a grim-faced doctor sits him down and explains the situation:

"Sir, your wife has suffered severe head and spinal trauma. She is going to be paralyzed from the neck down and quasi-catatonic. You will have to feed her, bathe her, change her diapers and catheters, and basically tend to her every physical need for the rest of her life."

The man bursts into uncontrollable sobs.

The doctor chuckles, claps him on the shoulder, and says, "Hey, relax; I'm just fucking with you. She's dead."