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-   -   True Bedroom Stories (Virgins come take notes) (http://i-mockery.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25926)

MattJack May 7th, 2007 02:52 AM

True Bedroom Stories (Virgins come take notes)
Loveline has been in a rut lately, so share true stories that are fucked up. It doesn't necessarily have to be sex, but you get the idea.

Virgins, take notes because this is what love really looks like.


Over this past fall I dated an alcoholic girl who would always have parties at her house. She probably "blacked out" about 5 nights a week too btw. She was always feeling frisky (probably because of the sauce) and I of course didn't mind this at all.

I know what you are thinking, "Classy MattJack, you got a winner."

First of all, she boyfriended me, but that's a different story all together. I digress.

So one night we are doing the party thing and getting completely faced. She had been giving me those stupid bedroom eyes all night, so I knew what was to come.

Well I thought I knew.

So we stumble back in the bedroom and start doing that sloppy make-out-take-off-clothes-romantic-comedy thing. So finally comes the secks.

I think I'm doing this fucking great job, you know, giving it that A+ 100% drunken stuff. As this goes on for a few mins I'm all feeling like I'm the man! I started saying stupid shit like, "Yea!" "Like that?" and whatever other little things that'll make me feel cool n shit.

I start to notice she's being really quiet while I'm trying to obviously set the landspeed record. Then out of nowhere I hear her start snoring loudly. I stopped and kind of shook her,

"Hey.. hey.. you okay?.. You.. awake...?"

Yup, she was dead to the world and was in a complete bear-like hibernation. I just kind of paused, slowly backed out, put on my clothes, and then slit my wrists with a spoon.


lol it cracks me up.

DuFresne May 7th, 2007 06:04 AM

I would have kept going and then jizzed all in her hair! :lol

So anyway, the coolest thing me and my girlfriend have ever done was when we went deep into a forest where no one could see us. she leaned me up against a tree, pulled my pants down, pulled out some KY, and went to fucking work on my johnson (her handjobs feel much better than her blowjobs, which are also amazing ;))!! After I came all over the dried leaves and pine needles on the ground, it was my turn to do her! We then went back to her house for Thanksgiving dinner like nothing weird had happened!! :lol

MattJack May 7th, 2007 06:56 AM

That's not really an odd story or anything, kinda like a softcore porn, but it'll do! It had a nice festive, holiday twist at the end.

I couldn't keep going, something about lifeless bodies just make me feel icky :(

glowbelly May 7th, 2007 08:58 AM

one time i was so plastered that i kept calling my boyfriend of 4 years different guys names while he was screwing me. all he said was 'shut the fuck up.'


MattJack May 7th, 2007 12:12 PM

lol that's fucking awesome Glow.

That man had true dedication and perseverance, imho.

Sethomas May 7th, 2007 05:41 PM


So, the first thing to know about losing one's virginity is that boys will last like twenty seconds max in all probability, and girls will have discomfort if not bleeding and pain. With this in mind, I got plastered one night and took a lass three years my senior back to my room. I was all kinds of glad that I was so intoxicated (roughly 18 drinks in my system that night), because I was lasting forever! I couldn't come even when I wanted to! Perfect!

Until I threw up and the lass excused herself as I passed out.

DuFresne May 7th, 2007 06:13 PM

My first time was also my first experience with a condom. I didn't come. :(

Hooray birth-control pills! :rave

executioneer May 7th, 2007 10:24 PM

why am i supposed to be taking notes

is there gonna be a test on how to be despicable later

MattJack May 8th, 2007 01:06 AM

there is going to be a pop quiz within a few weeks on how to lose your dignity and self esteem. I hope you are prepared.

lol nice Seth. You couldn't make it to the bathroom or floor? I've almost been thrown up on, but thank god I didn't because I can't handle throw up :( Throw up makes me throw up.

That reminds me of this guy I use to work with about 2 years ago. He wasn't really the brightest, in fact I thought he had learning issues when I first met him. Turned out he wasn't slow or anything, just incredibly stupid.


So I go back to work after one weekend and Brad (that's his name!) and I are talking about what we did. Well he tells me that he went to a party and got laid. Cool huh? Well.. this is how the conversation went..

"So what did you do this weekend Brad?"

"Man I got wasted! I drank a fifth of Wild Turkey and had sex with this girl at HER house and at HER party. It was in the bathroom while the party was going on."

"That's cool man, do you know her or what?"

"Nah man, she's only like 16 though," Brad says to me.

"You know that's kind of, um, illegal, right?"

"Man Matt, it's a mind over matter thing."

"Oh is it now?"

"Yea Matt, if they don't mind, it don't matter!"

"Wow dood, that's pretty bad. I'd watch out for that jailbait Brad."

"Yea well here is the fucked up part though... I bent her over the sink and we start having sex. Within like 5 minutes she starts throwing up all in the sink, I just kind of paused for a second. I didn't know what to do."

"So what did you do?"

"Well, I just gave it about 10 seconds, pulled back her hair, then I started going again! huhuhuhuhuh!"

"Brad, that's fucked up, and borderline rape. You understand when you die you're going to hell, right?"

"Well I..."

"Yea, I'm gonna go mop the floor now dood."

Sethomas May 8th, 2007 03:03 AM

Actually, I think it all got on the floor and what sheets were draped over the side of the bed. I just know that I had to ask myself for a brief moment (that probably felt like minutes) whether I should keep going or not.

noob3 May 8th, 2007 04:36 PM

I hate to break it to ya, Matt, but I think you raped her!

The first time I had sex I could barely even do it, dudes. I was like all shaking & shit. But after the first awful time, we fucked later that day and I was alot more comfortable. I actually look back on losing my virginity & I am kind of emberassed ;p

Perndog May 8th, 2007 07:45 PM

I played it cool my first time and she didn't know. The girl I was with was older and more experienced (21 OMG that's so old she bought me beer) but she was totally codependent and took my lead on everything. And sex with her wasn't very good because I didn't respect her at all and I kinda felt like I'd rather be doing something else.

ScottMacInnis May 15th, 2007 01:59 AM

There was this one time in Peterborough, Ontario... My buddies and I, man were we EVER shitfaced... So we see this girl who's walking with some dude in the nightclub part of town... My friend Greg yells out "Your girlfriend's a slut!!" She turns around, "HEEEYYY BOYYYSS!!" Oh no... Anyways, we go to her apartment, 3 of my friends gangbang her, and I pissed in her microwave and stole her computer... She ended up crying after the fucking, and then asked my buddies for $5 each. CLASSY! Oh man, she was so fucking ugly to boot, I stole her college student card just so I could remind my friends what she looked like. Note: I didn't touch her

Schimid May 15th, 2007 01:41 PM


executioneer May 16th, 2007 10:09 PM

scottmacinnis nobody believes your bullsh*t lies

go spread them somewhere that people are gullible

ScottMacInnis May 18th, 2007 03:04 AM

I promise you, this was no lie. We still call her "swamp donkey" to this very day. One of those unforgettable moments in life.

MetalMilitia May 18th, 2007 03:17 AM

Are you the guy that writes those scenarios you see on porn sites?

MattJack May 18th, 2007 11:32 AM

You call the girl all your buds did, "swamp donkey?" She sounds so hot.

I could never have a threesome, ever.

I don't really desire having two women going to sleep angry and disappointed next to me. One is bad enough.

DuFresne May 18th, 2007 01:39 PM

If you're in a threesome and you start to get the impression that both of them are going to be pissed and disappointed at you, just jizz on the bed where one of them was going to sleep. If it pisses her off, so what? She's sleeping on the couch now anyway! And on the off-chance that she likes that kind of thing, you know, like she's one the freaky cum-whores you find all over the internets who can't get enough man-jooce, well then she'll be happy and only the other one will be pissed!

Of course it's not really a win-win situation, since yer still gonna sleep with at least one psycho bitch who didn't get her O and is about ready to personally give to a tracheotomy so she can shove a handful of Enzyte down your throat, but oh well! :lol

Schimid May 19th, 2007 06:27 PM


Originally Posted by ScottMacInnis (Post 491125)
I promise you, this was no lie. We still call her "swamp donkey" to this very day. One of those unforgettable moments in life.


MattJack Jun 14th, 2007 03:47 AM

Sniper, I'm going to bring back this thread just for you.

So I bring this girl home, one drink leads to eight, and before I know it the deed is about to happen on mah couch.

As things heat up, I notice she keeps making this face that I guess is suppose to be from pleasure, which is odd because it's me we are talking about, not some guy who has a big weiner or knows what he's doing.

I kind of brush it off, and do that "don't look at her face" move. Number 1 because I don't think women are equal to men in the slightest, and number 2 because the face she is making keeps getting worse and worse.

Finally, I look at her again about 5 minutes later and she looks like a blowup doll with her eyes looking straight up. She looks like she has a dinosaur egg in her mouth and she is so amazed at her own eyebrows that she can't stop trying to look at them. Not to mention the odd noises she is making. It just freaks me out and I stop.

Then I said the typical,

"I.. I just can't.. I don't feel right. I feel like I'm taking advantage of you.. It's me, not you."

Don't think I ever felt so cold and alone before in my life.

Fathom Zero Jun 14th, 2007 04:31 AM

Shades of Tucker Max.

WhiteRat Jun 14th, 2007 06:14 AM

I was about 17 and was quite smitten with a girl from my school. She had just transfered in from a rival school a few months earlier so I really didn't know a whole lot of personal information about her. We ended up talking at a few parties, shootin' the shit so to speak.

One night a friend and I were at a club and we happened to see the girl (Brandi) and her friend. I was underage, but the only way I could dance was if I let the liquor do it for me, so I was pretty drunk before I even got to the club. Anyways, I danced with Brandi a few times and we agreed to go back to my friend's place to drink some more. I was drinking pretty heavy during the ride back and by the time we got to my friend's place, I was some fucked up.

Brandi says she's tired and wants to watch a movie. So we get under the covers on a couch while my friend gets in his bed with her friend (bed and couch in same room). We pop in "The Abyss" on VHS (yeah, poor frig dancing movie, I know) and before I get back under the covers I declare that we should shotgun some beers down. The girls declined but my friend and I proceeded to shotgun two beers each back-to-back. We shut off the lights, and the fun begins. Or so I thought.

A few minutes pass and i'm down to my boxers and she's down to her bra and panties. Nasty things were going down and then...that was it. When I woke up, it was 6am, the tv was playing static, and I was lying on the couch in my boxers with no pillow or covers. My stupid drunk ass had passed out on top of her, and in disgust she ended up sleeping on the floor. When she woke her and the friend walked out the door without saying a word.

In retrospect it was a good thing nothing actually happened because later on I saw her at a party having sex with two different guys within mere hours of each other. I later found out from some guys from her old school that multiple partners in the same night was a common activity for her. :(

MattJack Jun 14th, 2007 10:46 PM


Originally Posted by WhiteRat (Post 493525)
My stupid drunk ass had passed out on top of her, and in disgust she ended up sleeping on the floor. When she woke her and the friend walked out the door without saying a word.

In retrospect it was a good thing nothing actually happened because later on I saw her at a party having sex with two different guys within mere hours of each other. I later found out from some guys from her old school that multiple partners in the same night was a common activity for her. :(


I've had whiskey dick before, but god damn. I had a friend who claimed he had passed out on top of a girl before and I always doubted him, but now I believe him.

Atleast you didn't pull a Seth and turn into the Tazmania Devil on her.

As far as the whore thing goes, I can't really talk :(

I'm pretty good at making bad decisions :(

DuFresne Jun 15th, 2007 02:25 AM

Here's an experience that left me crying in the corner in the fetal position:

For a long time, I had operated under the delusion that my penis is a full 6 inches when erect (and I still maintain that it is when fully erect, YOU JERKS! >: ), but my girlfriend (the same one from my previous story) didn't think it was quite that long. So one evening, while I was ejoying an esquisite blowjob, she gets the idea to eliminate any sense of manhood I had by pulling out a ruler and proving me wrong. :(

Just above 5 inches. :(

When erect but not yet fully erect YOU JERKS!!!!! >:

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