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-   -   I-Mockery Chat (Lube up those lips) (http://i-mockery.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8799)

Kitsa Feb 7th, 2009 06:53 PM

We needed some towels. Target was one of the places we stopped to price them out.

Fucking Target. Never again on a fucking Saturday. I don't know where the hell all of these wannabe-hipsters came from but I am not impressed by the TJ Maxx designer jeans and ridiculous pleather heel-boots. And the women all have the same haircut.

They park their cart and spread out all over the place searching for deals. We couldn't get anywhere near the towels, because some Baby Phat-wearing woman in her late fifties was literally climbing a clearance endcap to get at some discounted sheets.

People strolled down the aisles with Starbucks lattes in one hand, parking the carts in the middle of the damn aisles to chat, completely oblivious to those around them, while little Connor and Morgan (I'm sorry, but those were the names I kept hearing), ran wild.

Heard at least 5 times (at least) by someone on a cellphone...."Hello? Yeah, I'm at Target."

We went to return our cart only to be thwarted by a throng of people all trying to get to the dollar bins at the front of the store. You'd think willy wonka's golden ticket was in that shit.

We went out to the car, had a fight about it, and ended up buying our towels cheaper at the abandoned mall two towns over.

kahljorn Feb 7th, 2009 06:57 PM

im bored ;/

10,000 Volt Ghost Feb 7th, 2009 07:28 PM

Kitsa, you should have rammed the throng fullspeed with a shopping cart

10,000 Volt Ghost Feb 7th, 2009 07:29 PM


That didn't work out too well

should have read

: bowlingpinsnoise

Fathom Zero Feb 7th, 2009 08:32 PM


10,000 Volt Ghost Feb 7th, 2009 08:43 PM

Yeah, doing that doesn't work for me. I even tried quoting yours and it comes up with the : bow

Fathom Zero Feb 7th, 2009 08:44 PM

magic, fuckers

10,000 Volt Ghost Feb 7th, 2009 09:11 PM

Carnie games!

Shyandquietguy Feb 7th, 2009 11:43 PM

I think I want to get a get a get a get a chat program!

Aaarg Feb 8th, 2009 12:14 AM

Abandoned malls are awesome. There's one in Fairmont, WV. The halls were converted from store-fronts to shitty murals depicting various stupid shit. I'll assume they were done by high school art students. There are a few stores left in the mall--an awesome pet store, a goodwill, a used video game store that still sells NES games, and I think a GNC.

Kitsa Feb 8th, 2009 02:46 AM

Yeah, that's pretty much what this is. We call it the Nonmall.

Same shitty murals covering up storefronts. They have a JC Penney's, a Sears, and an Elder-Beerman (generic "upscale but not really" department store), a GNC and a Claire's, and then random halfassed little stores owned by locals. Even the cellphone kiosk fled. I don't know how they stay in business, because I never see anyone there, not even before all these economic troubles.

There's a weird mall in Ithaca where all of the stores are back-to-back in a square, like a wagon-train, and you walk around the periphery in a weird little enclosed sidewalk. It's also a nonmall, or at least it was when I was last there 6 yrs ago.

Aaarg Feb 8th, 2009 02:53 AM

Hahaha, Elder-Beerman. There was one of those in the Morgantown mall. Had never even heard of the store until I got to Morgantown. I had only heard of BELk like a year earlier when I was at a mall in Winchester, VA. We don't have these country things in no.va.

There was also a Belk at the MOrgantown mall and I offended my friend from Ohio when we were there and I said of Belk "it's like a Bloomingdale's for white trash" and she said "hey I like Belk!"

She also got upset when I walked into some store and said "it smells like poor people in here" I was having a bad day and now I am poor. I guess it's karma. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about I have money that I have othing to spend on right now. Goddammit.

I decided that sleeping was a useless idea so instead I'm staying up and drinking but the bad news is I have to be at work in two hours! The good plan would be to stop drinking but here I am continuing however now I am using CRAN-RASPBERRY JUICE as a chaser as if that will prevent me from feeling the effects of Eagle Rare kentucky straight bourbon whiskey.

My chaser earlier was a moonpie, and then nothing.

I hate my life.

Kitsa Feb 8th, 2009 03:00 AM

moonpie and whiskey, eh? I'd make a West Virginia joke but I lived there for 7 yrs :(

I bet you've also seen a Goody's. I couldn't freaking believe that store the first time I saw one in a WV mall. It was like this mini department store, only everything got back to Jesus. It was like if you slapped a Christian bookstore and a dept store together, Goody's was what you got.

My boyfriend, in a moment of comic genius, named it "Jesus Christ Superstore" and that's what I've been calling it ever since.

We used to have one here, next town over, but it closed. I guess Jesus (or his self-appointed reps on earth) must be feeling the crunch too.

Aaarg Feb 8th, 2009 03:08 AM

goody's goody's goody's I'm drawing a blank. All I'm coming up with is those hair brushes and ties and stuff. I think there's a Goody's brand of that.

West VA isn't bad. I'd rather be there than here right now. Well not right now but once the weather turns nice. I'd rather be anywhere than here, so whatever.

Jesus Christ Superstore, that's pretty sweet. I remember this kid from high school worked at the BIBLE FACTORY OUTLET at the local mall here and he had long hair and he didn't strike me as the type to work at a place like that. i asked him about it once and he told me he was an atheist. what the fuck?

But I guess not being familiar with the shitty department stores makes sense when you only been to the high-end shit. I remember when my friend was still pretty new to the area and he wanted some jeans and I had to go to Tyson's Corner for something (like a fancy-fuckin'-dancy mall up here) and it was the first time in his life he had seen a pair of jeans with a $200+ price tag.

i made a comment about how we should have gone to the even higher-class mall nearby and i think he nearly shit his pants

I hate this shit, fucking stupid shit.

Sorry, I ramble.

Kitsa Feb 8th, 2009 03:27 AM

Goody's popped up in the 90s and just went out of business last year. Big orange sign. Claustrophobic and weird inside. All of the t-shirts had something about Jesus on them.

Working in a low-profile store isn't all bad. When I was going for my music degree I worked at a piano store in a strip mall. My shift was from 4 to close on weekdays and usually all day Saturday, or Sundays during special sales. The only time we ever had people was when kids were in the store for lessons. The rest of the time you'd be lucky to get three customers a day.

Theoretically we were supposed to be selling pianos, and I did, but the owner/boss always found a way to dick us out of commission. He'd either come up with a rule that exempted him from paying us ("oh, no commission on used pianos", "no commission on anything under $2000", "no commission on anything above $2000", and so on), or he'd try to take over the sale himself, so it didn't come up often.

It was so not-busy that my coworker, who had the day shift, frequently closed the shop, put both phone lines on hold and left for hours at a time. Conflict arose between us when she began taking "loans" from the register to finance shopping expeditions and using the store account to rent videos, which she spent the day watching. (The account was supposed to be used to rent kids' movies, to entertain kids waiting for lessons and keep them from messing with the pianos). When it became apparent that she was going to try and blame register-deficits on me, and would probably end up getting away with it, I quit. She and I weren't speaking toward the end there.

Not long after I quit, that location went out of business. But it was an awesome job while it lasted. I made minimum wage, but basically got paid to sit on my ass and do homework (nothing beats having 3 steinways available when you've got piano homework to practice).

Aaarg Feb 8th, 2009 03:35 AM

Haha, sweet. I worked at a cave and I don't know if I can top that. I worked at a family-owned pet store and that sucked cock-ass-and-balls.

On Thursday I will have worked for Safeway, Inc. for four years. :(

Kitsa Feb 8th, 2009 03:40 AM

One of the laziest jobs I ever saw was at a cave here in ohio.

One of their big attractions was "the old pump" or something like that, some stalagmite that looked vaguely like an old water pump. They had big pictures of it everywhere in the gift shop. Maybe it was unreasonable, but I went down there thinking it was this gigantic thing.

So we go through the cave tour and the guide pauses to grandly point out "the old pump". We look to our right and here's this sixtysomething guy with a flashlight, shining it on the spectacular formation as we passed. "here it is. Here it is. Old pump. Here it is. See it? here it is. Old pump. See it?"

That's literally all he did, sit beside it and shine a flashlight on it for us as we passed.

The big formation was all of about 2 inches high. I was surprised he never sat on it by mistake.

Aaarg Feb 8th, 2009 03:59 AM

Hahahaha awesome. Luckily at the cave I worked at, we didn't have any cool formations anywhere in the developed section of the cave, so we actually had to learn some real information to tell people on the tours. History and how caves are formed and stuff like that.

Then we'd go to the ridiculously popular show caves in Virginia and listen to some girl talk about "now we are in front of the Shaggy Dog. It is called this because it resembled a large shaggy dog." FUCK YOU. We asked how large the cave is and she said "it takes about one hour and fifteen minutes." She later found out we were tour guides at another cave, and being that we were the only English speakers in that tour group I guess she tried to start a conversation and asked us "what grade" we were in.

Kitsa Feb 8th, 2009 04:03 AM

When I was a little kid, my parents took me to Old Man's Cave. This was early 80s. It is, or was (it's become hideously developed and consumerized since) a beautiful place with rocky overhangs and gorgeous waterfalls.

Except when we went they were doing a Playboy shoot there.

I gaped for a moment at the naked chicks under the waterfall with the enormous breastseses before my parents hustled me back up the stairs and out of there.

Last time I went there were assholes everywhere with their asshole kids, the waterfalls were dried up and there were no naked playmates.

Aaarg Feb 8th, 2009 04:09 AM

Where is that one at?

Wait is that the one in the Hocking Hills? If so I didn't think that was actually a cave.

They filmed a horror film at the cave I worked at, but they did it in the winter when the cave is shut down.

Kitsa Feb 8th, 2009 04:12 AM

Yeah, I wouldn't call it a cave in the strictest sense, it's more of a series of rocky overhangs.

There's also Rock House, which was supposedly a bootlegger hideout but now primarily houses dead pigeons.

Aaarg Feb 8th, 2009 04:19 AM

Ah, the Hocking Hills were somewhere I was supposed to go to for the duration of Ashley and I's relationship. We just never got around to it. She went to school at Hocking College and loved the park or whatever. There's a waterfall somewhere in there that she fell off of. Had some nice scars from it.

One of those things we talked about often, but unfortunately never came to pass.

Kitsa Feb 8th, 2009 04:25 AM

It's pretty, but when you do go, go on the off season when it's not clogged with tourists.

Also, I don't believe it's a dry county, but we had to drive quite a way to acquire alcohol, so you might consider bringing your own.

Aaarg Feb 8th, 2009 04:27 AM

Eh I don't think I'll be going anytime soon. Like I said, it was going to be a me+Ashley thing, she was going to show me her favorite trails and favorite spots and she was going to show me where she used to live in Nelsonville and all that. She's history, so that idea is history as well.

Oh well. My opinion of Ohio continues to be one based on northern Ohio.

Kitsa Feb 8th, 2009 04:43 AM

Nelsonville is a pit. Until recently you couldn't even get radio reception there. It was situated at just the wrong spot between some hills. Nelsonville is no basis for which to judge Ohio, Ohio in general sucks in altogether different ways.

Kitsa Feb 8th, 2009 08:06 AM

Oh, man, I just went to the KKK's site to get their take on this whole Obama situation. It was even more entertaining than I'd imagined.

And hey! Ceramic KKK statues and novelty items!

Oh, man.

Tadao Feb 8th, 2009 11:44 AM


Tadao Feb 8th, 2009 11:51 AM

kahljorn Feb 8th, 2009 12:58 PM

i shouldve been a hobo
or a dog

10,000 Volt Ghost Feb 8th, 2009 01:43 PM

I'm hobophobic

Sam Feb 8th, 2009 01:44 PM

hobobo babobabo

Tadao Feb 8th, 2009 02:03 PM

I'm watching Bratz Kidz : sleep-over adventure. It's the greatest thing ever.

Tadao Feb 8th, 2009 02:04 PM

I can't wait to watch it with commentary tuned on!

Tadao Feb 8th, 2009 02:29 PM

10,000 Volt Ghost Feb 8th, 2009 02:58 PM

I always tell my friend Julie she looks like Janice from the Electric Mayhem.

10,000 Volt Ghost Feb 8th, 2009 03:09 PM

and that my friend Justin looks like the kid from The Littles

Tadao Feb 8th, 2009 03:12 PM

MetalMilitia Feb 8th, 2009 03:13 PM

Isn't it "Yippie Ki Yay Mister Falcon"?

I thought half the joke was the fact that no one in the film was called Mr. Falcon.

10,000 Volt Ghost Feb 8th, 2009 03:28 PM

Some stations dub it as Mister Falcon, some stations dub it as Mother Falcon. Mother Falcon sounds funnier.

Tadao Feb 8th, 2009 04:11 PM

TNT does it as Mother Falcon.

WhiteRat Feb 8th, 2009 04:27 PM

After a night gambling at the Isle of Capri in Biloxi i'm now 300 dollars richer. Thankfully I didn't actually go through with playing the $100 slot machine (even though the payouts were ridiculously good).

Kitsa Feb 8th, 2009 04:36 PM

I just cleaned literally a bucket full of dog shit out of the yard, from where the snow was so deep it was hard to get to it :/

kahljorn Feb 8th, 2009 04:45 PM

wtf is with henry miller's ending to sextus anyway

Sam Feb 8th, 2009 05:13 PM


kahljorn Feb 8th, 2009 05:29 PM

that was awesome last night :(

Sam Feb 8th, 2009 05:37 PM




kahljorn Feb 8th, 2009 05:47 PM


Kitsa Feb 8th, 2009 09:36 PM

I stumbled onto a glory hole directory online. (link probably nsfw)

I am never using a public restroom again.

Fathom Zero Feb 8th, 2009 09:46 PM

I'm really fucked up for clicking on that.

pac-man Feb 8th, 2009 09:55 PM

I knew I wouldn't be the only one. That's worse than a Rickroll, Kitsa.

Sam Feb 8th, 2009 09:58 PM



Kitsa Feb 8th, 2009 10:00 PM

There's one for every state, just change the URL.

I was doing some searching after seeing all of these craigslist ads, men looking for men, "Hey, I sucked your dick under the stall in the Dayton Mall mens room, it was great, please contact me". There were ones for the mall, the University of Dayton bathrooms (Catholic school, btw), even a frigging TGI Friday's. I was thinking, god, how rampant is this? And how do they know where to go to get some?

And that's when I found the glory hole directory.

10,000 Volt Ghost Feb 9th, 2009 12:02 AM


That's ridiculous.

Why the fuck is the Xavier: Renegade Angel premier on Thursday night instead of tonight?

kahljorn Feb 9th, 2009 02:23 AM

not quite on the same track but at my school somebody carved their gang name into a toilet seat

BLEU Feb 9th, 2009 03:10 AM

You guys have never had anonymous sex in a restroom before? Seriously?


kahljorn Feb 9th, 2009 03:16 AM

hepatitis c

kahljorn Feb 9th, 2009 03:16 AM

or some letter i dunno

Dixie Feb 9th, 2009 03:18 AM

Kitsa, you've done a terrible thing sharing this with me.
Next time I go on tour with the guys I'm gonna make them stop at one of these places so they can use the restroom, and then wait for the reaction.
I might never be allowed on roadtrips again, but it could be so worth it.

BLEU Feb 9th, 2009 03:25 AM

If you're actually going to do that then use http://www.squirt.org/ instead. It's much more reliable than gay universe.

...or so I've heard.

Dixie Feb 9th, 2009 03:30 AM

I don't normally like signing up for stuff but this has endless possibilities for mischief.

kahljorn Feb 9th, 2009 03:31 AM


Kitsa Feb 9th, 2009 09:18 AM

My dog chewed up a metal piepan last week. In under twenty minutes. I mean, she destroyed the fucker.

Anyhow, we thought she was ok because the time passed in which having any in her digestive tract would have caused a problem. Then I noticed last night that one of her teeth was broken off. One of her more important "canines", broken right off at the gum.

So, yay, vet visit we can't afford and possible surgery we really can't afford.

Tadao Feb 9th, 2009 12:57 PM

Better put her down.

BLEU Feb 9th, 2009 02:12 PM

Does she need the tooth? It's not like she has to kill for food.

Kitsa Feb 9th, 2009 02:37 PM

It's more of an infection risk. If the broken-off tooth got abscessed, it would be one hell of a more expensive surgery than just to have it pulled.

I'm thinking I might as well shoot myself...I don't have a lot of money and I re-did my boyfriend's bathroom as a surprise for his birthday. He's nuts about oldschool Nintendo so I thought he'd love it.

He looks at it, goes to eat some cake and later asks, "So....that was the present?"

I can't fucking do anything right.

BLEU Feb 9th, 2009 02:41 PM

What a tool. Girl, you need dump that zero and get with a HERO. YA'MEAN?

Kitsa Feb 9th, 2009 02:43 PM


It's not necessarily a tool thing but damn do I hate disappointing people with gifts :/ I try pretty hard for what I have to work with.

BLEU Feb 9th, 2009 02:48 PM

Any gift is better than no gift at all. I mean really. What hell, man.

Tadao Feb 9th, 2009 03:11 PM

Cool gift Kitsa!

Kitsa Feb 9th, 2009 03:30 PM

Thanks. Here are the actual pics:

Would have looked one hell of a lot cooler with light blue walls, but it's a rental so I can't.

I was also pissed off that I couldn't get Mario faced in the right direction. So the "level" doesn't make a hell of a lot of sense and big mario is facing off a leftover koopa above the shower, but whatever, I was using the decals they gave me.

BLEU Feb 9th, 2009 03:35 PM

Who wouldn't love that?! There's a piranha plant pipe behind the toilet. :love

Tadao Feb 9th, 2009 03:40 PM

My guess is he's just being a little punk bitch and really likes what you did. He's gonna say that it's a gift for the both of you and try to squeeze another gift out. Good for him!

Kitsa Feb 9th, 2009 03:41 PM

Maybe he was expecting something else, I dunno.

I am also embroidering a hand towel in the Bitter Luigi design from Sprite Stitch, but it's not finished.

I am a little depressed because his lack of enthusiasm for the DIY theme isn't boding well for Valentine's Day :/

BLEU Feb 9th, 2009 03:45 PM

Wait--are homemade gifts out now? Because I've spent the past two months knitting a cashmere sweater for a friend's bday. >:

Kitsa Feb 9th, 2009 03:49 PM

if they are out, I'm screwed.

Tadao Feb 9th, 2009 04:07 PM

I'm going to write an article and send it to the Onion about how people with OCD are destroying the earth by over use of water and paper product. Not to mention all the cleaning chemicals that go down the drain pipe.

Dixie Feb 9th, 2009 04:07 PM

If he can't appreciate what you're doing, then you should find someone who will!
You're too talented for a ho-hum reaction!

Tadao Feb 9th, 2009 04:09 PM

Someone who teases you all the time!

Kitsa Feb 9th, 2009 04:26 PM

:rolleyes @ tadao

he's not a monster, he just acted mildly disappointed. He's worse at hiding it than most people.

BLEU Feb 9th, 2009 04:34 PM

"accidentally" leave this thread up on your browser so he can read it and feel like the douche he acted.

Dixie Feb 9th, 2009 05:32 PM

Kitsa's boyrfriend:

Fathom Zero Feb 9th, 2009 05:35 PM

lol @ White Power Bill

Kitsa Feb 9th, 2009 05:39 PM

Dunno, I just can't bring myself to call him a douche on his birthday. Apparently I flubbed the present thing somewhere, like my dad does when he hands my mom a k-mart bag full of cheap crap on Christmas morning.

There was some relief at the vet's office when we took the dog in...rather than the tooth being broken off, it just never came in. He said it's there in her gum, but for whatever reason those two adult teeth are just not where they should be.

So that's a $45 vet visit, but no expensive surgery to worry about.

Tadao Feb 9th, 2009 05:42 PM

Take all the decals down and make sure you are crying when he comes home. That way you'll get a special gift for Valentines.

Kitsa Feb 9th, 2009 05:43 PM

I don't do that girly manipulation shit.

Fathom Zero Feb 9th, 2009 05:53 PM

Why do you date an idiot, then?

Kitsa Feb 9th, 2009 05:57 PM

Did I call him an idiot?

WhiteRat Feb 9th, 2009 06:06 PM

Tadao Feb 9th, 2009 06:19 PM

Poor Christopher Titus. He had me on the floor laughing at one time. Now it's just boring.

10,000 Volt Ghost Feb 9th, 2009 06:30 PM

Was his new special not good? I was looking forward to watching it.

Tadao Feb 9th, 2009 06:34 PM

I don't know. It's coming up and the commercial seemed like the same old story :(

Fathom Zero Feb 9th, 2009 08:58 PM


Originally Posted by Kitsa (Post 612990)
Did I call him an idiot?

I think he's an idiot. Isn't that enough?

He can't seem to grasp common manners and that one should accept any gift and thank anybody who cares enough about them to give one. This is because they're not obligated to do shit for a person on your birthday.

I bet he also believes in not going to work on his birthday.

That irritates me. Even the minute description of his behaviour that you gave rubs me entirely the wrong way.

Kitsa Feb 9th, 2009 09:28 PM

Fair enough, I guess.

BLEU Feb 9th, 2009 09:45 PM


Originally Posted by Fathom Zero (Post 613011)
He can't seem to grasp common manners and that one should accept any gift and thank anybody who cares enough about them to give one. This is because they're not obligated to do shit for a person on your birthday.

I bet he also believes in not going to work on his birthday.

That irritates me. Even the minute description of his behaviour that you gave rubs me entirely the wrong way.

He's an adult who's obsessed with nostalgia and his nintendo. He is a man-child. That's a great boyfriend you're raising there, Kitsa.

Kitsa Feb 9th, 2009 09:49 PM

Weird site for you to be frequenting if you poo-poo nostalgia.

10,000 Volt Ghost Feb 9th, 2009 10:00 PM


Originally Posted by Tadao (Post 612998)
I don't know. It's coming up and the commercial seemed like the same old story :(

I still miss his show. Need to pick it up on DVD.

BLEU Feb 9th, 2009 10:19 PM


Originally Posted by Kitsa (Post 613026)
Weird site for you to be frequenting if you poo-poo nostalgia.

Post about your bf troubles and I am going to comment on them. What did you expect. I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP YOU.

Dixie Feb 10th, 2009 01:31 AM

Cosmic Catnip Bubbles are awesome.

Tadao Feb 10th, 2009 01:32 AM

Getting high with the cats again?

Dixie Feb 10th, 2009 02:24 AM

Unfortunately, nothing for me. Just the bubbles for the cats.

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