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-   -   Advice column hilarity. (http://i-mockery.com/forum/showthread.php?t=69702659)

Kitsa Jul 25th, 2009 12:40 PM

Advice column hilarity.
Dear Prudence,
I've been happily married for more than 30 years, and I thought my husband and I had a truly loving relationship. My husband was recently hospitalized, and his boss asked me to carry my husband's cell phone so he could easily reach me for updates. My husband received a text message from a man saying that he was going to use him as a cover so he could visit another man in a neighboring town. This made me suspicious, so I looked in his wallet and found a visitor's pass to a gay men's health club. Then I found a gay porn DVD and Viagra in his gym bag. On his computer were gay Web sites. My husband had an excuse for everything. He said a man he works out with had given him the DVDs and the pass, and he didn't even know what they were. The Viagra was so he could be "ready" for me. He didn't know how the gay Web site cookies got on his computer. He said it was ridiculous that I could think he was gay after 30 great years together. I wanted to believe him. Last weekend, I came home unexpectedly and found him masturbating to gay porn. He said he wanted to see some porn, and this was the only thing he had because he didn't know where to get anything else. He thinks it's all no big deal. I'm devastated. I feel as if my whole marriage has been a sham, and I don't know what to do.
—Who Is He?

Dear Who,
Number one, go to your gynecologist and get a complete screening for sexually transmitted diseases. You have to assume, given all the evidence, that your husband has done more than indulge in gay fantasies. Then you need to sit down with him and tell him it's time to stop the ridiculous excuses. Say you've had 30 years together, and while it turns out you may not know each other as well as you thought, he knows he's not married to a fool. If he can't talk about what's going on, tell him you're going to a counselor—you hope he will join you, but you'll go alone if he won't—to help you figure out your next steps. Of course you're devastated. It's crushing to think the life you had was a cover story and to know the future you imagined is not going to be. However, this discovery does not mean your marriage was a sham. It's possible your husband has always struggled with homosexual impulses, but that he also truly loves you and treasures your years together and the family you've made. It doesn't even necessarily mean your marriage is over. But your marriage will never be the same, and it has to be remade—or ended—with more honesty than your husband has been willing to bring to it all these decades. You don't have to make any hasty decisions. But you do have to impress upon your husband that from now on you won't settle for less than the truth.


10,000 Volt Ghost Jul 25th, 2009 01:11 PM


Why are they always impulses? I loved the excuse for watching the dvd though.

Colonel Flagg Jul 25th, 2009 06:12 PM

I usually like Prudence, but really, WORK IT OUT??? How about "GET A LAWYER!!!"

Kitsa Jul 25th, 2009 08:50 PM

A pass to a bath house? Gay porn? HOW DID THAT GET HERE?!?

kahljorn Jul 26th, 2009 06:45 PM

I like how the thought never occurred to either of them that he might be bisexual. I mean shit she could've pointed out all the props like the possibility of having a threesome with two guys.

horrible advice.

Kitsa Jul 26th, 2009 06:58 PM

you're right; bisexuality (or even a gender identity issue) weren't even thought of.

I bet she'll get some hatemail.

Edit: he does need to work on his lying technique, though.

Colonel Flagg Jul 26th, 2009 11:16 PM

Lots of straight guys masturbate to gay porn.

Don't they?

Tadao Jul 26th, 2009 11:23 PM

I do, just to make sure I'm still not gay.

10,000 Volt Ghost Jul 27th, 2009 01:10 AM

Especially when its THAT TIME of the month. Am I right??

Zhukov Jul 29th, 2009 01:40 PM

Well, people (not me) don't seem to mind watching a penis ejaculate, as long as it's on a woman, so maybe, just maybe his lies are TRUTH. Maybe he was looking for some porn and thought, "eh, what the hell, might just see what the fuss is about..."

I feel sorry for him.

Ok, he's obviously telling fibs, but I still feel sorry for him. He probably loves his wife.

Dimnos Jul 29th, 2009 02:01 PM

She should just buy a strap on and quit crying. :\

Kitsa Jul 29th, 2009 03:05 PM

Colonel Flagg Jul 29th, 2009 11:17 PM

If you have to ask .....

Kitsa Jul 30th, 2009 11:56 AM

if it's popping up this often, I'm guessing a lot of women must wonder.

10,000 Volt Ghost Jul 30th, 2009 01:31 PM

A lot of people are insecure.

Colonel Flagg Jul 30th, 2009 05:58 PM

A lot of women are married to poofters.

Dimnos Jul 30th, 2009 06:07 PM

I dont get that. If you like the cock why get married to a woman?

executioneer Jul 30th, 2009 06:20 PM

because of the negative connotations that society still associates with homosexuality?

Dimnos Jul 30th, 2009 06:53 PM

Bah... Grow a pair.

10,000 Volt Ghost Jul 30th, 2009 06:56 PM

Could all be solved with a MMF.

Colonel Flagg Jul 31st, 2009 10:57 AM

I wish Pub would comment .... :(

Zhukov Aug 5th, 2009 07:38 AM

Surely there is only one innescapable homosexual tendency?

Kitsa Aug 6th, 2009 05:13 AM

I guess that depends on how many attributes you're assigning to "homosexual".

Zhukov Aug 6th, 2009 03:30 PM

Well, just one also.

Kitsa Aug 14th, 2009 03:45 PM

Dear Prudence,
I have done something so vile that I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I have a younger sister who is stunningly beautiful, while I'm rather plain by comparison. Growing up, my boyfriends all lost interest in me once they set eyes on her. When I was dating the man who is now my husband, I was afraid that the same thing would happen. As a preventative measure, before he even met her, I told him that she slept around a lot and as a consequence had contracted HIV. Needless to say, he never showed any interest in her. Several years and two kids later, my husband is always asking about her health. She's even asked me why my husband always seems so concerned about how she's doing. He's the sensitive type, and I know that he worries about her. I want to come clean, but how can I explain such a horrible lie?
—Sister Is Healthy As a Horse

Dear Sister,
Shades of Rachel and Leah crossed with the daughters of King Lear. I understand your self-loathing because not only is your original lie chilling, but you have let this tale fester for so long. It's a miracle you weren't found out by your husband expressing his concern to other family members. However, the good news is that you recognize how sad and ugly your actions were, and you want to make amends. Although your sister was the subject of your lie, your husband is the object of your deceit. Go someplace private and tell your husband there is a part of your life that you never fully discussed with him. Say that when you were growing up, your sister's beauty was a kind of torture for you. Whenever a boy showed any interest in you, as soon as he gazed upon her, he couldn't even remember your name. Explain that you know jealousy is a terrible, destructive emotion and you hate how you let it scar your youth. Then say that when you met him, you were so immediately happy with him that you were tormented by the thought that he might be attracted to your sister. (By this point, he should be starting to get your drift.) Confess that you told the terrible lie about her being HIV-positive just so it wouldn't happen. Add that what you did is not a comment on his character but on your insecurity. Say your sister is in perfect health, but your lie has made you sick at heart, and all you can do is beg his forgiveness.

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