[glowbelly]

taking a sentence of dialogue out of context to prove a point doesn't work, drew. we aren't comparing you to hemingway and to keep this conversation "civil," i suggest you stop comparing yourself to hemingway RIGHT THIS SECOND.

the first comment i made, get this: was a little joke. if you're going to post your stories here, be prepared for people to not take them seriously right away. need i remind you where you are posting these things?

now...


Hemingway wrote that, I like to emulate his style. It's a stylistic thing, so if you don't like it fine. Granted I'm not even 1 millionth as good as him, but you should be able to recognize the things I'm trying to accomplish, even if I fail miserably, as I probably did.

i'm not going to say anything about trying to develop your own style, because who knows? maybe you were writing this piece with something intentional in mind. however, if a writer self-admittedly "fail(s) miserably" at trying to emulate a style, how do you expect a reader to react? do you think a reader will say "gee, he certainly failed miserably at emulating hemingway's style" ? no. they are going to comment on your story, because it isn't apparent whose style you are trying to mimic. you yourself said you did it poorly. get it?

I still need to write some sort of introductory element, where the two men first find the woman.

again, you assume too much about the reader. here you originally posted a "story," a "something" you wrote. you asked for feedback. you got it. you didn't tell us that you weren't finished. you just gave us something to comment on. we did. mission accomplished.

i can't really comment on something that you haven't yet written, but i can tell you that the story that you've kind of laid out for us here in your defense sounds a bit predictable. the first thing i thought of when the dead lady was mentioned was that she was probably sexually involved with one or both of the men, either by choice or force.

I thought the dialouge was contrived and corny, and the descriptions and backround info were poorly written. The idea itself was intersting, but there's a 100 other ways the author could have written it without it sucking.

compared to:

“The sun, I think I really need it right now, this fire isn’t doing a hell of a lot.”
“I don’t like it.” He said as he blocked it out with his thumb. “ I don’t like it and I hope it stays hidden in the trees.”

and

It was a cold winter day, and the fire burned brightly in the middle of the forest. The sun was very weak that day, hiding behind the trees. The two men sat around the fire, warming their hands. They were dressed with many layers, and took their gloves off in order to feel the fire. The woman lay dead, naked, but quite warm, right next to the fire.

suggestion:

if you are trying to emulate hemingway, you need to write as if you are walking through the setting. the dialogue needs to be real. hemingway strove to write the perfect sentence EVERY TIME HE SAT DOWN TO WRITE A SENTENCE. he had the ability to set a scene the way a movie sets a scene. he tends to give an overall impression like a big sweeping landscape and then moves in to minute, if not unimportant, detail of what is happening to and around the main characters.

you don't do that. i'm sorry. you don't even come close.