sadie those are
valentines of course (seriously they awwwre baby panda beawwwwrrs
)
so how about a story about love (sorry dgo fans)
it was just like any other day in bed surrounded by my assortment of bedtime assistants and a few bedtime assistant interns
(like they sya you havent lived until you've had your urethrar scrubbed by a pair of dark native hands)
suddenly there was a knock on the door - a knock of
authority
"excuse me did someone call for a heart repairman"
sitting up i felt the work of today's scrotal cleaning was particularly sub-par (
fucking interns right folks) i noticed no malfunction of my hearticual musculatures, so with a wave and offer of a scrotal cleaning position, i sent the young professional on hsis way
"sigh" i sighed to myself amidst the scents of cocoa and lilac body wash "its not enough that i have an abundance of age but the rough handling of my conditions has preempted my enjoyment of todays newscast of a one-way relationship with the world"
thinking back on better times, i realized that not only were they not better times, but that the process of focusing my mind to the point where i could actually feel the bacteria breeding in the sweat pools between folds of skin was date-rapingly superior to anything i had previously accomplished (having my dainties scrubbed daily by a brute notwithstanding)
sbnapping back to the present i saw something
terrifyingly interesting
not only was there a crazed and infuriated non-native beast approaching me with carnal intent
but the one single force and entity solely responsible for my not having killed myself engaging in kinetic activites was present and in goddanm action (that's
fucking right cnn news cameras were live and rolling
on the sceene)
suddenly the picture of normalcy occured as the feces in my bowels struggled past the few coordinated muscles i had left in my anus in a birthing fight so brave i was sure the camera would be pulled to view it by a pure and sensible universal force (so i put on a brave face)
not only could you not imagine my surprise, but for the first time since i had montezumally shit-blasted my first pair of pre-worn khakis, i felt
embarrassed
you see apparently my now worst enemy, worst arch rival in the whole world, was now the oldest man to ever celebrate a birthday in a christian society with a papertrail dictating all the necessary evidence of his grizzled stature and the cameras
loved him so bad it was like saying "sorry
mr nobody i cant even afford to give you the lion's share of the saliva to lubricate the last wrinkled refuge of joy your life might possibly havfe held"
so in the middle of his victory speech i fucking rubbed it in his face and died (and when i mean died i mean rolled out of my chair clutching my chest as the hands in thge cold floor slowly seeped up and stole away even the dullest nervous sensation while i moaned "it's the big one (lol)" abnd "i dont want to die
")
the end