[James]

Movie: "Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within"
Year: 2001
Rated: PG-13
Genre: Sci-Fi
Director: Hironobu Sakaguchi & Moto Sakakibara
Writer: Hironobu Sakaguchi, Al Reinert, Jeff Vintar, etc.
Reviewer: Angryhydralisk (Angryhydralisk@AOL.com)

Plot: this movie is about some chicknamed Dr. Aki finding these 8 spirits to save the world from some creatures called phantoms.

Review: I like Final Fantasy a lot, but this movie in my opinion, is NOT Final Fantasy in any sort of way. If you really think about it (and not many seem to notice this), it's more like a piss-poor ripoff of Starship Troopers. Final fantasy has chocobos, magic, and some stupid villian hell-bent on destroying or conquering the world. This had none of that, but use of guns, a space-style/futuristic theme, and stupid monsters corupting everything. Sounds a lot like Starship Troopers to me. The only thing that reminded me of FF in any way is the villain dude looked like Seifer from FF8 and the fact people liked this movie is the CG design was good.

I also learned that Final Fantasy will never make a good movie no matter how you look at it. FF games always have an ongoing storyline, fruity, funny-dressed characters, and piss-poor endings that make you want to break the game you waited so long for to break it in half or sell it for 5 bux. And as for you people who brag that FF7 would be a good idea for a movie and ponder who should play Aeris, get a life and play something else for a change. I also liked Starship Troopers better cuz it's a rip-off of the popular PC game, Starcraft, but it still rocks.

I got off the subject, sorry. As I was saying, this movie isn't the Final Fantasy games we all know and love, but some cheesy rip-off of a space movie or a computer game (one ripped off the other, I'll figure it out soon enough).

Overall Rating: 1


Remember that user name, folks. You'll be seeing a number of his reviews here. In part because his make up one-fucking-third of the total reviews, and in part because he's pretty much the prime example of what I'm doing here.

However, I picked this one out as the first of his craptacular movie reviews, because it stands out on a few levels or tardness. And, he actually broke tradition and wrote THREE paragraphs! He must have needed so much Advil after all that.

Now, I'm one of the three people that liked the FF movie (and can admit its shortcomings), so I won't necessarily address his opinion. I also won't address his opinion, because THERE ISN'T ONE. Aside from "this movie sucks," the rest of his review is comprised of talking about Starship Troopers and FF7 and 8. And that would be all good and fine if his review was longer than my review of his review.

And speaking of Starship Troopers, note this line: "I also liked Starship Troopers better cuz it's a rip-off of the popular PC game, Starcraft, but it still rocks." You'd think with a name like Angryhydralisk, he'd know that Starcraft came out AFTER Starship Troopers. But then again, he uses AOL and has an IQ somewhere between "hamster water bottle" and "diaper rash."

Also note how he likes it because it's a "rip-off." So he has stated that he is a big fan of movies that rip off (or DON'T rip off, in this case) other things. He'd make a great critic for Entertainment Weekly, but not for I-Mockery.

Frankly, I think he should just be barred from giving reviews. And from living. Definitely living. He should be encased in some sort of big jar, and launched into the earth's core (see, I could have said outer space, but there's already plenty of space shit in this entire post. Variety, my friends. Variety).