[kahljorn]

Here are some questions I recently read in a phone-in advice column:

1. HI MY CAR IS ABOUT IS SLOWLY DRIVING DOWNHILL TOWARDS A CLIFF. WHAT DO I DO?
2. HELLO, MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE WHAT DO I DO?
3. IM ON A DIET OF CrAcK AND CANT AFFORD ANYMORE IS THERE A SIMILAR DIET I COULD SWITCH TO WITHOUT WORRIES OF COMPLICATIONS?
4. THERE"S A STAMPEDE OF ANGERED BUFFALO RUSHING TOWARDS ME AND THE ONLY THING NEARBY IS A STEEL INFORCED BRICK HOUSE WHAT DO I DO?
5.THERES A BRUTAL MURDER RAPIST COMING TOWARDS ME AND ALL I HAVE IN MY POSSESSION IS A CELL PHONE, A DIRTY PURSE FULL OF TAMPONS AND RECIPTS, AND A .44 PISTOL WHAT SHOULD I DO?
6. HELLO IM STANDING UNDER A COLLAPSING TREE WHAT DO I DO?
7.I CANT STOP SPENDING MONEY ON EBAY/INTERNET WHAT SHOULD I DO?


Here are the answers:

1. Stop, with the brakes.
2. Go outside.
3. Stop buying crack.
3a Switch to pot
4. GO INSIDE THE HOUSE
5. Shoot him in the face.
5a FOR THE ETHICALY MINDED PERSON: shoot him in the knee then shoot his dick off then shoot him in the stomach
6. Move four feet to the left.
7. STOP SPENDING MONEY DUMBASS.

I hope this has been helpful,
Jelopagus Prandle