i feel there's dissonance in my life between who i am now and the people i've historically surrounded myself with. i hate most nerd mannerisms and seem to have more in common with 'normal' people, yet i've spent all my life liking nerd things and don't want to stop doing that. i have 3 or so circles of friends and still only like very few of them. i don't want to cut anyone off because i have fun with them sometimes and i feel it's important to get in the habit of leaving the house and talking to people, but it all just feels very empty.
i usually feel better when i'm working or regularly going to school, but circumstances have fuct my academic plans for the next year and now i have to get a job in the industry i'm pursuing, which is itself notorious for employing the same exact type of person i just described that i dislike.
i've been thinking lately about how i wish i had figured out how to stop being a self-loathing fat piece of shit back in high school, when i could have networked with different people and trained myself to like different things later on. It's rather pointless to agonize over, though.
