[dextire]

Sorry for the delay on the self imposed deadline for posting pictures. I was planning on just doing pictures, no story. Then when I read the Secret Santa letter from MarioRPG, I enjoyed it immensely, and then something just clicked. So, I decided to do a story based on it. And a lot more work later, it's finally done. I'll be playing the role of the douche millionaire Baxter Remington (minus the millionaire part and change the name to Dextire).

Enjoy!

"How I Became An Official I-Mockery Forum Member™"
by dextire

Merry Christmas! I got a package from MarioRPG!

And he sent it all the way from Merry Ole London, Canada!
I wonder if it'll be fish and chips? Or maybe bangers and mash? Ho Ho Ho.
Let's open it and see!


Oh look, there's a 3-page letter!
Let's take a gander.

“Dextire,
Firstly, I must express what a Grade-A JERK you are.”


Grade-A, huh? Can't do better than that, baby.

“I mean, you join up from outta nowhere and just DEMAND gifts.
So, here I am, stuck with someone that I can not possibly think of a gift for.”


You know, you're not sounding very British.
Blimey! Get with the program, Govnuh!

“And THEN... you buy Stonewar a boat-load of gifts.”


Well... maybe a very small boat, like a model or something.
What's your point?

“So the wheels in my head start turning.
I think I can shape you into a bonafide I-Mockery Forum Member™
that will be universally LOVED!”


Yes! Shape me, wise master!
I am new, and know not the ways of the old I-Mockery Forum vets.
Teach me your wise old, dusty, funky smelling ways.

“But how can I do that?”


I have no idea! I've never taught anything.
I mean, unless you count that one time I taught a squirrel how to eat a walnut,
but my mom said it already knew how to do that.

Besides, you said that YOU would “shape” ME, like you knew what you were talking about!
So, how are you going to do that, guy who is not sounding very much like he's from London?

“With gifts (of $25 value) of course!”


Of course! Free gifts for me!
Teach me old wise one, who smells vaguely of cheese, and Bengay.

“So there are some things you gotta know: Movies.
Horrific Movies. So I went out and got you some to help you on your way.
Don't wet yourself in Fright!”


I've already wet myself several times just looking at that cover,
so I should be good to go.

“Next up, everyone needs to own something that's been on I-Mockery,
and I ain't talkin' no Pickle Hat, either. So BAM!
Second gift right there. Another cinema classic.”


I now feel as tough as 1986 would allow me to be.

“Oh, and we all f*ckin Love Christmas, so it's a good thing you didn't mess up.”


So... you're saying I didn't mess up?
Wait, it's not Christmas yet. There's still time!

“And BAM! Third gift: Christmas Lovin'.
I took a few peeks at that one, and I'm pretty confident it'll be solid gold.”


No kidding! The guy in the story's name is Baxter Remington.
BAXTER REMINGTON. Best douche millionaire name EVER!

“And another thing, we're pretty much from all over the World. I see you're from the 'states.
That means I can get you something distinctly Canadian!”

Beer?

“Then you can go on bragging that you are not racist / sexist / country-ist
because you've got a pal up in the Great White North.
Oh, and the gift isn't beer, you racist.”


Really... I'm the racist, mister pretending that you're from London?
I think not.


Wow! That's definitely not beer.


That's the good stuff!


Smooth.

“Anyhoo, I'm gonna sign-off here. If I give you any other gifts they are bonuses.”

Look, I know you're rich and all, but calling the bubble wrap a “bonus” is just mean.
That was the majority of the gifts I gave to Stonewar.
And she said she liked them!

Meanie.

“Merry Christmas,
MarioRPG

P.S. We won't HATE you if you disappear after the Secret Santa.”

Disappear? That's silly, why would I... wait.
What was in that syrup?!

Oh, crap.

So, if I've read your letter correctly, and I think I have,
after all I'm well read in all the latest fine literature.

Baxter Remington. So awesome.

In order for me to be a proper I-Mockery Forum Member™: I have to be a racist / sexist / country-ist jerk.
Who regularly wets himself (on purpose, not out of fright). A raging alcoholic, fueled completely on syrup.
And be completely obsessed with 80s cinema, toys, and of course, Baxter Remington.


Got it.

The End.


Thank you so much, MarioRPG! My gifts are awesome!
I laughed for a solid 5 minutes when I saw that book.
And I had to explain it to my friends and family, since I opened it on my birthday.

Hope you guys liked the story.
It was a ton of fun for me to put together.

Merry Christmas, everybody!