[Kulturkampf]

I like to chew tobacco these days because I have always been an orallist living for my taste buds

Oh sure, it will give me cancer but what? I consider it a mistake to chew tobacco and the fact that I consciously make a mistake like this, one that damages my health, as something indicative of an inner desire.

You cannot sum it up shortly so I will be lengthy:

I am scared to die, but I am not scared to get cancer because that is years off and anything years off I can prepare myself for. I can resign myself to death because all men die. I can resign myself to cancer of the mouth in 30 years because I do not see a purpose for my mouth in thirty years.

I can envision purpose for perhaps two more decades. Something about "Perhaps I should write things on internet forums," "perhaps I should procreate," "perhaps I should visit somewhere and take a picture of me standing somewhere exotic to show people when my mouth has cancer and I am saying goodbye."

I do not want to live forever but I do not want to die ever, it is sort of a rock and a hard place on this one.

I want to die when I will be missed and not written off. I want to die kind of old, kind of young; in the time when it is untimely enough so as to imprint something of worth on those around me and be a sobering dose of death in the midst of life.

I do not want to be 80 and have everybody remark, "It was his time." It seems wrong to have a time to die even though my Bible says as much. If I can perhaps place my time a little earlier it would be worthwhile.

I want to live long enough to have my face and body change -- change into that of an old man. Maybe I even do want to be 80. Who knows. I like change. I like future.

But I do not like turning everything into a risk.

Come on, humanity, isn't there a certain point when we must say fuck it and do what we have to do?

People spend their lives not using tobacco or drinking in excess to what use? To be safe?

Who had fun by being safe and cozy tucked away in their rooms?

It is just lack of romance these people have.

These are the same people that never take risks; that never do something poorly planned; that never feel the passions of life written on their heart. They do not treat life as a journey -- they treat it as a series of choices one makes to avoid a poor fate.

But you know what? We all end up in the same box beneath the Earth.

I'll take 55 years with tobacco, alcohol, fatty foods and mysterious Vajeens over 80 years of good health, proper diet and a plan for success.

Success isn't your bank account or your health.

Success is the tobacco, the alcohol, the greasy foods and the vajeens.

To live cautiously is to kill yourself every single day of your life; it is to limit yourself, to put yourself on a leash.

I do not have a leash and I do not have limits.

When I am an old man dying of cancer in his fifties I will have stories.

When you are dying in your eighties you will have small talk.

One last anecdote:

I remember reading a story in Korean where a man was fired from his job and, to quote it, "went to the corner store and bought a pack of cigarettes then started a new life."

That is how I live.

If you suck right now, please go down to your corner store and buy a pack of cigarettes then start a new life.

The meaning of life is not found in avoidance, it is found in confrontation and indulgence.

Please, do yourself a favor and start smoking. You'll never feel awkward again as long as you have cigarettes and a liter.

Trade 10 years of your life for 20 less years of standing at bus stops wondering what to do or sitting in your office looking for an excuse to take a walk to the store.