[george]

Christmas

i spent the next week in a daze. this is to be expected, but when your job requires you to pour straight nitro glycerine into a mixer already filled with nitro cellulose and ether being out of your mind is a really bad thing. i would forget what i was doing, or why i was doing it. if not activly engaged in talking to another person my mind would wander off into the white static of nothing. one thought kept popping up:

you deserve this for sleeping with Erin. this is your punishment. this is your atonement. this is your chance to come clean and get the weight of the whole thing off your chest. i could trade evils with Nancy, we could be mad and then find common ground again.

sigh.

So when Nancy turned up on Christmas Eve i was feeling pretty happy. we talked for awhile. she apologized. i accepted. and instead of coming clean about Erin, i begged her to take me back. on my hands and knees i begged her. i dont think i really wanted her back. i think i just wanted to make the end on my terms instead of the tawdry scene that had occured.

she accepted. told me that she had dumped Jason after he ran away on her, realizing what a dousche he was. i was prett stoked about the whole thing. here was the answer to the whole thing, not a great one, but an answer.

we spent christmas eve together. we had fun christmas morning together. later that day Zoe came to me. she had nancy's cell phone in her hand. and she had been reading a string of txt messages Nancy had been trading with Jason. the last one came in just as Z was gonna send me a txt (zoe is good at getting txt while sending, we do it to each other all the time): I WLL B THR TO GET YOU AT 9:00.

there were a lot of texts. some about fucking, some about being in love, and a bunch about what an asshole i was for taking her seriously about getting back together. Zoe was crying as she watched me read the txt. i closed the phone, hugged zoe, and then went to find Nancy.

i handed her the phone and asked her what was up. why wouldnt she just be honest? why keep lying? WHY?????

she just looked at me. in a steady voice she said " I am in love with him, you have to understand that it is over between us, i just wanted to be with the kids for Christmas."

and out the door she went. i would not see her again for a week.

it was all over. any hope for our future was gone.

cheating for sex you can get over.

BUT SHE FUCKING LOVED SOMEONE ELSE. and for the second time in a week i sat and cried. then the girls came in my room, sat on the bed with me, put their arms around me and hugged me until i pulled myself together.