I am writing this under an appreciable mental strain, since by tonight I shall be no more. Penniless, and at the end of my supply of toilet paper, I can bear the torture no longer; I shall cast myself from this garret window into the squalid street below. When you have read this hastily typed message you may guess, though never realise, why it is that I must have forgetfulness or death.
1. THE HORROR IN OOZE
My experiment of the horror began in the winter of 2007, with the participation to secret santa event of a sadistic cult. Dear god, if I just could've known what kind of cosmic horrors were waiting me.
I was in the middle of my morning chores when the doorbell rang. It was the postman and with him there was a package. "
Holy oshe! All the way from Australia!" I thought and wondered who would bother with sending me a package from such a far away place.
I hastily opened tha package, only to find it to be filled with newspapers. "
Either it's something very valuable, or someone is trying to play a trick on me" I thought while removing the newspapers. There indeed was something, a letter, written with crude letters and signed by someone, whose name formed of almost unpronounceabal jumble of letters,
Darklycan.
But that wasn't all, for there was also a weird, plastic figure, companied with cryptic letters. It seemed to be a some sort of a monster, having a resemblence to a gigantic human nose.
But it wasn't a mere figure, it was a
container! Where the "nostrils" would have been, there was a hatch, which I now regret opening.
I opened the hatch, and found that the figure was filled with ooze. But it wasn't normal ooze, it was cosmic ooze and it was horrible, so horrible that it made cold sweat form on my back when I touched it.
I was about to throw the figure away, when I heard weird chant from inside! It is hard to write down the gibberish, but it sounded as if somebody, or something would've said "
Iä Iä Fagot".
I do not know why, but I stuck my hand into the ooze, as if ordered by some cosmic force, and pulled up a creature, a creature beyond understanding.
2. THE THREAT OF SNOTBOT
My heart was about to stop beating, when the creature looked at me, and speaked with it's horrible voice and accent.
Oi lad, oi, ye bastard, ye the one 'ho pulled me out o' the ooz'? The creature asked
W-who are you? I replied
Look at the hieroglyphs ye dumb fuckin' bastard! It replied.
I looked at the hieroglyphs and indeed, there was the image of the creature and below it was it's name, among with many others of his kind. Below Arnold Snotzenegger and between Brad Spit and Hanky Hogan, there was the name of Snotbot.
S-Snotbot? I asked in sheer horror.
Aye replied Snotbot.
Ye pulled me out? Snotbot asked
Y-yes I replied
Suck's to be ye, bastard, for ye gotta help me conquer the world Snotbot said.
What? No way! I yelled at him.
Ye better say "aye", otherwise I have me dog eat yer balls off ye bastard! Snotbot said, and flashed somewhat menacing photo of his dog.
O-okay I replied.
Good, said Snotbot, ye gotta help me resurrect the dark lord Fagot for that, ye must wear the magical ring of Moc, Snotbot said and summoned a jewelry box out of nowhere.
The ring's been made by the best jewelrysmiths o' Chi-Na, so feel proud, ye bastard.
I opened the box and took out the ring.
Umm... It's kind a big... I said while looking at the magnificent, gigantic ring.
Of course ye dumb fuckin' bastard, it's the ring of Fagot, and Fagot in massive
I put the ring on my index finger, and immedietly felt a cosmic, evil force take over my mind.
Good, now ye' must mark yeself wit' the mark of Fagot, the mark of evil, Snotbot said and tossed few sheets of various evil tattoos at me.
Pick ye favorite, he said.
Y-Yes, I answered, although the voice wasn't mine it came from my mouth.
And so, the mark of
Fagot was put onto my
massive bicep.
Now we must wait 'till it's dark, Snotbot said, and I fell into coma.
3. THE MADNESS FROM AUSTRALIA
I woke up mostly thanks to few groin kicks delivered by Snotbot.
Wake up ye bastard, he yelled.
We must now perform the ritual!
What ritual? I asked
We must let Fagot's spirit come into me body, so he can have a physical form, Snotbot said.
How are we going to do that? I asked
With music, Snotbot said and gave me a set of magical-evil-drumsticks and glow bracelets.
Ye must literally rock Fagot out.
I see... but what's with these bracelets? I mean, if you want me to rave, just let me turn on my boombox. I said
Just start playin' ye stupid bastard!
And so we partied hard, at least as hard as Blue Gularis would. (Sorry for the lack of sound)
After the night of hard partying I was too exhausted to stay up and once again fell into restless sleep.
As I woke up, Snotbot was gone, so was the figure and the sheets of hieroglyphs.
Was it all just a dream? I muttered, but then noticed another creature on my desk, this one in a shape of skull.
Aw shit ye dumb fuckin' bastard! Ye punk! Ye ruined everything! the skull shouted
Snotbot? I asked
Ye! Ye sucked last night, can't even play imaginary drums now look at me! Ye gonna be dead lad!
And how are you gonna do that if I may ask? You have no arms or legs for chris' sakes! Are you gonna bite me? I yelled back slightly amused.
Don't be pushin' ye luck punk! I have friends, strong friends, and I'll just send one o' 'em to beat ye to pulp! Just wait! As soon as ye step yer nose outside of yer appartment ye gonna be dead! Snotbot said, and expanded his eyeballs in front of me.
This was too much for me and I fainted. When I woke up, snotbot was gone. Everything was once again normal, yet I felt frightened. Was Snotbot serious about sending one of his goons after me?
------------------------------------
And so, I'm back at present day. I've lived in my apartment for 1 month now. And as I wrote at the beginning, I shall not be afraid of anymore! I shall throw myself down from-
Huh, what's that?
Oh my god, that figure, on the roof of the opposite building, it can be-
Heh, didn't even break a sweat!
Time to loot his stuff!
THE END
And if it wasn't made clear in the story, the gifts were 100% win. Especially the predator figure. I don't know how did you come up with that, was it my avatar or have you seen my posts of praising Arnold's movies but you sure came up with awesome gift! The spear of the figure was broken when I received the gift though, but I bought some scalemodel glue and fixed it.
Thank you, Darklycan
I'd like to appologize Australians for my pathetic attempts at trying to mime the talk of Aussies.