[Zbu Manowar]

I'll admit it: I had both the Cobra Pogo and both He-Man Battle Horses. The Pogo suckered me in because I wanted the then-new Cobra Commander with battle armor and he was marketed with the Pogo. Plus it was $10 at the time and since Mom and Dad were footing the bill for some reason, I got that from a local Ben Franklin's. Sadly, I think they had the Inhumanoids figure that was those two lava guys that meshed into one but he was too expensive. Ah, the pain of nostagia.

And the Battle Horses I got for free when my older cousin traded and got two extra. What's even dumber about these horses is that they were put into an odd 'bowing' posture and could not be moved for anything. You couldn't even pretend they were cool. They just looked damn weak and always fell over. I think they were marketed for the Fisto/JuJistu figures which was another dumb toy idea: hey, kungfu grip with BIG ASS HANDS! You couldn't do that nowadays, JuJitsu would be considered racist because...well, he looks like a pissed off Cheech Marin who took up karate after jacking off made his hand swell. And the golden glove he used for pimping just stuck on there.

Still, even with all of this, I was never pathetic enough to own a Love Boat Figure. The only thing that comes close to that is my grandparents used to buy gifts at this dollar store up North circa 1985 that was truly hell: one Christmas I got a grab bag full of bizarre Up North shit that featured MASH action figures (same size as GI Joe)--sadly, I got about three Klingers that all were destroyed in a few weeks out of pure spite--and a Menudo action 'doll' that came complete with bad plastic hair and removable clothes. My sister used it as the naked waiter bitch to the Barbies until one July 4th we utterly destroyed it by constantly putting it on top of fireworks until it was missing limbs and was charred black. Also of note: this 'doll' came with a tiny record which supposedly held a Menudo record. We never played it, just broke it 'accidentally' a few days later.