[Sethomas]

1. you decide to change jobs. do you tell me?
To answer a question with another question, Would you hurt me? (note: answering either way will not bar further consideration of the matter.)

2. do you talk to my friends about what boobs look like in california?
See, I have a certain number of reservations. Some people take me as having this aura and each would define it in a different way, so I have to take unique approaches with every person I meet with whom I'd like to develop a functional acquaintance, whether it be intellectual or coital or whatever else. Yet I do maintain a few hard-wired prejudices and one of them is that I hope to avoid ever going to California and/or Las Vegas for as long as possible. If it remains realistic, I will aspire to die at whatever age having never gone to either of those. It only follows, then, that I should provide irrational post facto justifications for such things via a voiced hatred of how lacking California boobs are. Also, I will say that California boobs are especially horrific in light of my intimate acquaintance with YOUR boobs.

3. a woman calls you and i ask who it is. do you tell me it's your boss pretending to be a girl?
I have two bosses and both of them are female. When I throw out such a line, it IS insulting but certainly not to you.

4. after having sex you tell me you're sorry. why?
I peed in the pool. Actually, that is not intended as a prurient euphemism, I swear. And really, get over it, the chlorine will kill us long before my urine does. If you INSIST on having a neurotic aversion to bodily fluids that are ejected from my pee-pee, I don't see how this relationship could have lasted so long.

5. would you ever tell my best friend that you raced to new york city after 911 and rescued a dog from the rubble?
No, I believe strongly in not letting my left hand know what my right hand is doing. I am quite content in the personal fulfillment that comes from having done that act.

6. would you hide porn from me? even if it was really bad porn?
It's like I keep telling you, I'll let you have your porn back ("really bad" or otherwise) as soon as you eat your vegetables and put on the outfit I laid on your dresser. You know the one, and I know that it will fit so don't lie to me and say that the flippers are too big.

7. quick we're out of milk and money doesn't come in until friday what to do?
Before anything else, I will apologize for having bought a dairy cow with our money and then I'll try to outline why it seemed, at the time, completely logical for me to have slaughtered it for that delicious steak dinner we had last Sunday. Those who are willing to sacrifice a dairy cow for a delicious steak deserve neither dairy nor steak and that is what they get, yes, I know that now. I mean seriously, how big of a deal is it anyways, I have an idea. I think we can make more milk with that tub of Country Crock in the fridge.

8. if i asked you how much your snap on account was up to would you lie and tell me $500 or tell the truth and say $5000?
You should know my ability for semantic quibbling well enough to avoid calling me out on a lies versus truth dichotomy. It IS up to $500. If you asked if it were FURTHERMORE higher than $500, I would be honest.

9. we can't pay rent this month. do you promise to take care of everything and tell me not to worry or do you let me fucking handle it?
I will promise to take care of everything, but from there I will actually encourage you to worry. I will insist that I've got things under control, but that is no reason to stop cowering in anxiety and, eventually, shame.

10. how many cigarettes would you go outside to smoke if i was in labor at the hospital giving birth to your child?
I do not smoke cigarettes. However, I know a very delectable maduro cigar that comes in a Churchill vitola. I can buy them in bulk for roughly $3 each and they tend to burn around fifty minutes.

11. do you own any books that don't have to do with getting rich quick?
Yes. My medieval philosophy anthologies are especially lackadaisical about getting me rich with respectable expedience.

12. have you read them?
As you likely remember, the first time you came into my bedroom was when I insisted that you look at my bookcase and marvel at the breadth of understanding and character that was implied by its contents. I really, really didn't want to ever hurt you by having to actually answer this question. Not after what I felt with you that night.

13. did you really go to college?
Oh, I did. I REALLY did. Really, holy shit did I ever go to college. God damn.

14. when i'm about to walk into a room filled with your family will you tell me "don't say anything about anything" while expecting me to know what the hell you're talking about?
No. I like the laconic virtue of just saying "stay quiet" instead.

15. do you talk in cliches?
I speak in archaic clichés, so unless you have a dinner party set in the sixteenth century I don't think I will spur too much rolling of the eyes.