[MrAdventure]

1. you decide to change jobs. do you tell me?
A: i already told you a dozen times! i was a big dog, then i was a little dog, then i was a horse, then i was a superman holder, then i was the principal from breakfast club (i said dont write on the wall!) after that i was mr noodle from elmo (i hear he died?) and after that i was a chef! that's right i'm a stay at home dad


2. do you talk to my friends about what boobs look like in california?
A: only if we say tits in whispers while the kid is asleep and then it's because i just said "don't talk about tits goddamnit i dont care!"


3. a woman calls you and i ask who it is. do you tell me it's your boss pretending to be a girl?
A: GET OFF DA PHONE GLOWBELLY I'M TALKIN TO YA ALREADY OH AH OH AH OH


4. after having sex you tell me you're sorry. why?
A: because i can't stop making race car noises or singing dirty stuff like aaron neville and it's gotten old


5. would you ever tell my best friend that you raced to new york city after 911 and rescued a dog from the rubble?
A: i'd rather say that a dog rescued ME because it doesnt get better than being pulled from rubble by a dog's love


6. would you hide porn from me? even if it was really bad porn?
A: pornography gets stuck in the safe where it's properly danny tannerd (dusted and alphabetized) and if you want to use it both of us gotta be there to turn the keys at the same time otherwise it's gone forever


7. quick we're out of milk and money doesn't come in until friday what to do?
A: i'm outta here *peels out* and by peels out i mean we're havin bananas and water! okay maybe i borrow a cup from the neighbor (if they're nice i don't want some stoner's milk)


8. if i asked you how much your snap on account was up to would you lie and tell me $500 or tell the truth and say $5000?
A: if i had $5000 i'd be too busy doing the waynes world "i got five thousand dollars" song and dance to hide it


9. we can't pay rent this month. do you promise to take care of everything and tell me not to worry or do you let me fucking handle it?
A: well first off i frown because you swore in front of da kid! then, i say "you got it babe" and then i go to the dry erase board and wonder where my budget blew up


10. how many cigarettes would you go outside to smoke if i was in labor at the hospital giving birth to your child?
A: the only way i'd ever smoke a thing is if someone gave me a cigar george burns licked (it would let me live to 100 years old i bet)


11. do you own any books that don't have to do with getting rich quick?
A: heck yeah i hope you like elves and swords and shirtless dudes


12. have you read them?
A: only til the parts where things get too sexy, then i giggle and close it


13. did you really go to college?
A: i did and now i owe them big time! it was all worth it though, you should see how smug i look when i fill in the some college bubble on those surveys from the mail, and then i put in parenthesis (too smart for college)


14. when i'm about to walk into a room filled with your family will you tell me "don't say anything about anything" while expecting me to know what the hell you're talking about?
A: unless we're doing a reverse surprise party (where we shush each other then open the door and yell surprise!!!) feel free to talk about me my mom would love to tell you about me, she would just be all "i love him he's a great guy a great guy" mostly because it's true and my dad (who wouldn't be there that's what divorce does) would be all "he sure knew how to mow the lawn" which is the extent of our relationship so long as i don't have a real job gawd


15. do you talk in cliches?
A: only the best ones for my new family! it's like you're dating beavis butthead wayne and garth it sucsks... NOT!