[James]

Here's a testimonial for you.

I used to be an anime fan. Not a die-hard crazed fanatic, but I enjoyed my share of Japanese cartoon funjinks.

One day, I was skipping along the sidewalk, with a brand new anime DVD in hand. I couldn't WAIT to get home and watch it. But soon, my whole life would change forever...

In a flash of pain, I found myself hip-checked into an alley, face down in a puddle of what I hoped was urine-scented water. I slowly start to get back up. Whilst still on my hands on knees, I spot my anime DVD a few inches away. I reach out to grab it, but another hand comes into view, and takes it.

I look up, and see my assumed assailant. Traces of sunlight caught his face, turning his multiple pimples into a mass of pus-filled stars littering a greasy sky. A menacing grin of brace-covered teeth looked like a row of steel fangs, waiting to rip my flesh to pieces. As he stood up, my gaze went past his Dragonball Z T-shirt, toward his hand, where he brandished a pistol he must have gotten from his parent's closet. I could see my life flashing before me as he raised the barrel toward my direction...

"Is this all you g-OT?!" he squeaked at me.

My lips trembled and forced themselves open, but no voice came out. He flipped the DVD case over, and looked it over with his beady eyes.

"This doesn't even h-AVE any tentacles i-N IT! You NOOB!" His voice cut into my ears, like a bullet from his gun was moments away from doing. I couldn't speak. I couldn't think. All I could do was feel myself crying inside, and trying to accept my grim fate.

VVVRRROOOOOOOMMMMM!!

I looked past my attacker's massive body as best I could, as he struggled to twist his torso around to look for himself.

VVVVRRRRRRROOOOOOMMMMMM VVRRROOOOOOMMMMM!!

Headlights sprang to life, blinding the gunman, and eclipsing me in the shadows of his planet-like body.

VVVRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM SKRREEEEEEEEEEE SSPLORT!!

An explosion appeared before my face, as the headlight beams broke through his body, as did the bumper and most of the hood. Popcorn-sized bits of flab flew every which way, and streams of blood trailed behind. It was like a geek supernova, and it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen in my whole life.

I was frozen in the moment, internally thanking my vehicular hero.

And then the car door opened.

His right foot stepped out first, kicking an empty beer car out of the car, with it. The other foot followed, and then hands appeared to help pull him out. As he came out, another beer can was produced, spilling the remains of its contents onto the sidewalk.

"Ohhzzz.... Issa whazz humma gah dah?" The language of the GODS, I tell you.

I looked up in awe. My savior. My hero. I slowly got to my feet, my eyes fixed upon him, much like the apostles must have looked upon Jesus. My hands instinctively came together. Then again. And again. I was clapping, applauding this man for his service.

He spit up a little, as if to say, "Remember this day, my son. Follow the path to greatness."

And from that day on, I did.