Features

AChimp · #1

A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following:

1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 carton of milk
1 apple
1 banana
1 orange
1 peach
1 plum
1 tomato
1 lettuce
1 pie
1 box of cereal
1 frozen dinner
1 single frozen pizza

The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says, "Single, huh?"
The girl smile sheepishly and replies, "How did you guess?"

He says, "Because you're ugly."

Sethomas · #2

Until now, I thought I was the last person to hear that joke.

AChimp · #3

It's not my fault I'm so ugly nobody tells me jokes.

James · #4

A guy and girl are on their first date. Eventually, it leads to them making out in the backseat of his car, and he tries to take it further. She stops him.

Girl: Isn't it a tad presumptuous to assume you can have sex with me on the first date?

Guy: Well, maybe... But isn't "presumptuous" a rather big word for a First Grader to know?

Royal Tenenbaum · #5

Oh snap.

smoke66 · #6

Alright, so these 3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one walks up to the bartender and says, "Barkeep, I would like a glass of warm blood." The bartender looks at him, and says, " I don't know what you're thinking, but we don't serve blood here, and I'm going to have to ask you to leave." The vampire gets pissed off and leaves.
The second vampire walks up and asks the bartender for the same thing, and the bartender gives him the same reply. The second vampire makes a few veiled threats and walks away to find blood elsewhere.
The third vampire walks up and says,"Bartender, I would like a hot cup of water." The bartender looks at him kind of confused like and says, "I can give you a cup of hot water, but I have to ask you, your two friends before you both asked for a warm cup of blood, and all you want is water?"
The vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket, and simply says "Tea."

Big Papa Goat · #7

Along a similar line as the last joke....
What did the lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire? See you next month.
I got that from the KISS fan forum several months ago. Does that make me a bad person?

smoke66 · #8

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead decide to go camping out in the woods. Being city girls and all, they decide to take a nature hike and enjoy the untouched and pristine woods, and all that bullshit. As they are walking along, they come across a set of tracks. The blonde looks and says, "Oh, these are bear tracks! I saw them on the Discovery Channel once." The brunette shakes her head and says "No, No, No. Those are clearly squirrel tracks. I don't think you know what you are talking about." The redhead laughs at both of them and says, "Clearly you are both dumb as rocks. These are clearly deer tracks." And as they all stand on the tracks arguing over who is right and who is wrong, they all three were ran over by a train.

Rongi · #9

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU TURN A BLONDE UPSIDE DOWN?

A BRUNETTE WITH BAD BREATH LOL

smoke66 · #10

How do you confuse a blond?
Tell her to piss in the corner of a round room.

How does the blond confuse you?
Comes back and says she did.

CaptainBubba · #11

HOW DO YOU KILL A SMOKE66?

CLOSE DOWN KFC AND FOOTLOCKER AND HE'LL KILL HIMSELF. STUPID BLACKIE.

smoke66 · #12

How do you confuse captainbubba? Show him a white boy...he thinks they are black.

How do you kill captainbubba? Put him in Harlem somewhere...he'll commit suicide as soon as he opens his damn mouth.

CaptainBubba · #13

DID I SAY YOU COULD SPEAK NEGROE?! GET BACK TO PLOWING THOSE FIELDS BEFORE I MAKE YOU GO CUT ME A SWITCH.

~SWING LOW, SWEET CHARIOT~

Rongi · #14

Had you not thrown in that last part, I would not have laughed half as hard as I did

Esuohlim · #15

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoke66

How do you confuse captainbubba? Show him a white boy...he thinks they are black.

LOLOL!!!

THIS IS THE BEST JOEK EVER! :rofl :lmao :roflmao

Geggy · #16

a blonde, a brunette and a redhead was stuck on an island. they had spotted another island a mile away. the island had coconut tree with plenty of coconut to eat. they've decided to try and swim for food. the brunette jumps in and swam a quarter mile. she gave up and drowned. the redhead jumped in and swam a half mile. she gave up and drowned. the blonde jumped in and swam third qurater mile. she gave up and started swimming back to the island. after swimming half a mile of the distance from the point where she gave up, she drowned.

BaronVonBoner · #17

Even I couldn't come up with a less funny joke.
Oh, wait! How do you make a 10 year-old girl cry twice? Wipe your bloody penis on her teddy-bear.

smoke66 · #18

Quote:

Originally Posted by CaptainBubba

DID I SAY YOU COULD SPEAK NEGROE?! GET BACK TO PLOWING THOSE FIELDS BEFORE I MAKE YOU GO CUT ME A SWITCH.

~SWING LOW, SWEET CHARIOT~

Oh, yes, massa...i'll get back to plowing those fields right after i sic the donkey on your ass. I might even cut a switch, but the only way you're touching it is when it smacks you upside your ignorant head.