Apr 18th, 2004, 09:52 PM
Here's what I would do:
In the beginning the President inherited the throne of America from his predecessor. Now the nation was formless and empty of patriotism, darkness was over the souls of the people, and the Spirit of God had been rudely separated from the State by decades of atheo-liberal blasphemy.
And the President said, "Let death come unto liberals", and death came unto liberals. The President saw that the deaths were good, and he separated the dead from the conservative living. The President called the dead "baby-eating suicide bomber sympathizers", and the living he called "righteous men". And there was evening, and there was morning - the first day.
And the President said, "Let the Saracens of Fallujah suffer much holy wrath". So the President bade his military flatten the city, and slay every living thing within its confines. And it was so. And there was evening, and there was morning - the second day.
And the President said, "Let the Palestinians under the sky be gathered to one place, so that I may smite them better." And it was so. The President called the Palestinians "sons of bitches", and the thankful Israelis he called "my good friends". And the President saw that it was good.
Then the President said, "Let the Persian Gulf produce oil: oil-bearing sediments and reservoirs under the sands that bear profit for major oil companies, according to their various CEO's." And it was so. The sands produced oil: oil bearing profit for major oil companies according their CEO's. And the President saw that it was good. And then there was evening, and there was morning - the third day.
And the President said, "Let there be Christian lights in the halls of government to separate true Americans from barbarian foreigners, and let them serve as shining beacons in the expanse of the earth to give light on the nation." And it was so. The President made two great lights - the greater light to govern the Department of Defense and the lesser light to govern the Department of State. The President also made congressmen. He set them in the expanse of Capitol Hill to give light on the nation, to govern the military and the diplomatic corps, and to separate true American light from foreign darkness. And the President saw that it was good. And there was evening, and there was morning - the fourth day.
And the President said, "Let America teem with courageous soldiers, and let F-18's fly above the earth across the expanse of the sky." So the President created the great fleet of the sea and every nuclear and attack submarine with which the water teems, according to their home ports, and every winged fighter jet according to its airbase. And the President saw that it was good. The President blessed the military, and said, "Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the budget of the nation until little room remains for education and healthcare". And there was evening, and there was morning - the fifth day.
And the President said, "Let the military-industrial complex produce weapons according to their kinds: grenades, mines that detonate along the ground, and cruise missiles, each according to its manufacturer." And it was so. The President made the cruise missiles according to their manufacturer, the grenades according to their manufacturer, and all the mines that explode along the ground according to their manufacturers. And the President saw that it was good.
Then the President said, "Let us make American Patriot in our image, in our likeness, and let him rule over the Europeans of the pastry shop and the Asians of the rice paddy, over the Latin Americans, over all the earth, and over all the sand ******s that move along the ground".
So the President created American Patriot in his own image, in the image of the President he created him; male and female he created them.
The President blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; bomb the earth and subdue it. Rule over the endangered arctic foxes of the Alaskan Wildlife Reserve and the rebellious Saracens of the sands and over every crippled starving Indonesian kid that moves on the ground."
Then the President said, "I give you every oil-bearing sediment on the face of the whole earth and every sand that has natural gas with economic value in it. They will be yours for profit. And to all the non-American beasts of the earth and all the Saracens of the desert and all the crippled starving Indonesian kids that move along the ground - everything that has the look of inferiority to it - I give every one of them for domination." And it was so.
The President saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning - the sixth day.
Thus the nation was completed in all its homogeneous uniformity.
By the seventh day the President had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day, and the rest of his term thereafter, he was a slovenly drunkard.
|