Jun 24th, 2008, 12:08 PM
The Fuel Crisis! - A Chronological Report
June 8, 2008
Gas prices rise to national highs and for the first time in our nation's history the price of a gallon of unleaded exceeds $4.
June 9, 2008
Consumers, tired of feeling the strain at the pump, search for alternative methods of transportation. Fat people in biker shorts flood city streets and collective morale’s hit an all time low. A soaring number of hit-and-runs are recorded across the nation.
June 11, 2008
Bicycle sales skyrocket causing Huffy share holders to party like it's 1999. Both shareholders die when their veering Humvee collides with an oncoming semi hauling ethanol.
June 12, 2008
Chicago cyclists decide to implement a Hold Hands and Bike to Work Day, but the PR event ends badly when the right-most cyclist's shoe gets caught in a Jaguar muffler causing a domino effect and maiming 185 participants. "My ball sac is stuck in spokes!" said Chicago mayor Richard M. Daley. "But I saved $14."
June 14, 2008
The federal ban on cell phone usage during gas pumping is lifted in an effort to get motorists back to the pump. Three minutes later Sandra Burnhard's head explodes as she fills her tank and talks on her iPhone. Two BP employees are arrested for doing the hamster dance on her corpse.
June 15, 2008
Devastated from the fuel crisis, American based airlines opt to nickel and dime customers. Passengers are being charged $15 for each piece of luggage, $1.25 for a bag of peanuts, and unless they pay the $5 movie-viewing-fee, are forced to avert their eyes when the Adventures of Pluto Nash is shown on screens.
June 18, 2008
In an act of protest, Al Gore glues his beard to oil refinery smoke stack citing excess emissions and greenhouse gases are the main cause of a depleting ozone. CNN polls indicate that America celebrates when they find out Gore's face melted in to a puddle of bipartisan slop.
June 19, 2008
Texas-Instruments patents a Gas Budget Calculator. The gadget has two fields and a single return value;
INPUT: Gas Cost
INPUT: Vehicle MPG
RETURN: Estimated Broke Date
June 20, 2008
Facing the camera and holding a bottle of Newman's Own Fat Free Raspberry Walnut Vinaigrette Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Kid Special Edition salad dressing, Robert Redford pleads with the country to embrace new energy solutions at public rally held in New York's Central Park. "The recent surge in gas prices has touched a raw nerve for many around the country!" Redford was pelted with dog shit and greased gerbils.
June 22, 2008
Mythbusters attempt to uncover that Lee Iacocca is a remote controlled Exxon spybot. The bust fails miserably and all that's left of the two hosts are moustaches and glasses.
June 24, 2008
Sean Hannity reports on the growing angst of Europeans toward Americans and their incessant whining about soaring fuel costs. Romans, currently paying $6.15 a gallon, cease their erotic naked Greco wrestling long enough to raise a fist in the air to curse the Yankee slime. Before he could be troubled to finish his report Hannity emigrates to the ancient city, meets a boy named Gaius Spermia, and plays out his life as the target of sexual exfixiation and the sport of extreme ramboning.
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