SECRET OF IMMORTALITY CONTAINED WITHIN!!!!!!

[MISTER FART]

GET THIS, I DIDNT THIKN IN A MILLION YEARS IT COULD BE TRUE, BUT I A FEW WEEKS AGO I WAS FEELING KINDA PECKISH AND I WAS ALL LIKE, WHAT THE HECK, I WILL GIVE IT A SHOT, SO I TOOK MY SHOES OFF, WALKED OUTSIDE AND DECIDED TO EAT SOME SUN WITH MY EYES.

THE FIRST TIME I DID IT ABSOULETELY NOTHING HAPPENED, BESIDES GETTING THE CARPET A LITTLE DIRTY AND MISSING THE NEWS ON TV, BUT THE NEXT DAY I HAVE TO ADMIT I DID NOTICE A SLIGHT CHANGE, MY VISION AND THINKING WERE DEFINATELY A LOT SHARPER, AND I HAD CONSIDERABLY LOST MY USUAL APPETITE, WHEN I AM USUALLY GOING OFF TO LUNCH I WAS JUST REALISING THAT I HAD NOT MADE MYSELF BREAKFAST YET.

SO THE NEXT NIGHT I DID IT AGAIN AND I HAVE NEVER LOOKED BACK, BUT WAIT RIGHT THERE, THAT IS NOT ALL TO THIS STORY, FOR YOU SEE, I HAVE TAKIEN SUN EATING TO THE NEXT LEVEL. I HAVE BEGUN EATING SUN ON THE INTERNET!!!!!

MY DESIRE FOR MOUTH WATERING SUN COULD SIMPLY NOT BE QUENCHED A MERE 2 HOURS A DAY, I NEEDED MORE DAMN IT, I WAS HOOKED, AND THROUGHT THE HELP OF MY GOOD FRIEND THE INTERNET, I MANAGED TO HOOK UP WITH OTHER SUN EATERS ALL OVER THE WORLD AND WE BEGAN SETTING UP WEB CAMERAS, POINTED DIRECTLY AT THE SUN, AND WE HAVE BEGAN EATING SUN OVER THE INTERNET!!!

OVER THE PAST WEEK I HAVE HAD OVER 200 HOURS OF FEEDING TIME, AND I HAVE DEFINATELY LOST YEARS OFF MY FACE, AND MY HAIR IS STARTING TO GROW BACK AND I ALSO GET REGULAR BONERS.

THE SECRET TO IMMORTALITY HAS ARRIVED MY FRIENDS, AND IT HAS A NAME, AND THAT NAME IS, EAT THE SUN 24 HOURS A DAY.