Serious this time. I swear guys. For real.

[CaptainBubba]

I was told as a child that after I had sex for the 300th time my penis would fall off and i would become blinded by the raging tempest of sin that resided within my ghastly semen covered soul. Nearing a mark somewhere in the vicinity of that lofty goal I am nowhere near as blind as I was foretold and my penis is only slightly unhinged. My 7th grade teacher went as far as to tell me that my nipples were going to become scaly and hard then disentegrate into a fine dust one day while I'm sleeping, yet they only grow hairs which resemble dishevled businessmen drunk and passed out on a flesh colored floor. I was informed that pregnancy was impossible to avoid and that upon removing my pants in front of a lady I was actually allowing trillions of sperm to escape god's carefully crafted legs covers and violate the sanctity of said ladies nethers.

Does somehow effortlessly avoiding these plagues of intercourse mean I am god?