A Thread for Abcdxxxx To Get It Off His Chest

[Preechr]

New gospel proves Jesus did the world's first nob gag

Jesus Christ was a practical joker who wore fake novelty breasts on the cross according to a newly discovered gospel.

The Gospel, written by a previously unknown disciple of Jesus called Alan, also proves the Jesus did the first ever nob gag. The amazing passage has Jesus telling a disciple “oohh look what’s that peeking out of the bottom of my robes”.

The new understanding of Jesus is at odds with the traditional image of him as a serious, spiritual man with a mission to teach love and understanding.

The Gospel of Alan also reveal that Jesus used a whoopee cushion at the last supper and would regularly use a joy buzzer when pretending to cure cripples.

“Jesus would move his hands over the legs of a crippled man and say ‘Pick up your bed and walk my son, you are cured’,” Scolar Richard Ham told us. “He’d then run out of the room giggling. The man would attempt to stand up but slump to the ground in agony,” Ham says.

Many of Jesus’ other practical jokes would climax with him emerging from a tent with a fake beard over his real beard, dressed like a donkey warden.

"He would crease up with laughter at his latest joke. It was never malicious though, he always tried to be very inclusive with his humour," Ham says.

The real reason Pilate ordered Jesus' crucifixion is also revealed – he’d put cellophane over his lavatory.

The new gospel is set to cause shockwaves around the world. Experts say it is the most important discovery about Jesus since a tablet found in 1934 proved he actually survived the crucifixion and went on to go bald.

"I think this new evidence about Jesus can only help to make him more appealing to today’s young people,” Ham claims. “ It adds a new fun side to Jesus that can only make him a better Messiah I reckon."