Why I hate myself

[The_voice_of_reason]

I am a dork, or so says a female co-worker of mine. She told me this because I couldn’t ask a girl out, even though as she pointed out it appeared as if the girl was “totally into me”. This is the second time in as many weeks that I have done this. The other time I was ridiculed was by a friend when I couldn’t “make a move” on a girl who worked at Sonic. Even after this I wonder why I am alone. I will be a virgin forever, hell I have never even kissed a girl.

I am completely void of self-confidence, I am unable to even talk to a girl I don’t already know. I shake and sweat and stammer making a complete fool of myself. What I end up doing is trying to avoid conversations until I am forced into proximity in a place like a class room or at work. Once I get comfortable around a girl I make really good friends with her, and subsequently put here off limits to me. Every once in a while I will fall in like. The funny thing is there is one thing all these girls who I like have in common, unavailability. They usually have boyfriends except for the most current one who is off limits because she is only 16 and I will be 19 in September also I am going to college in August. I think that I want these girls because I can never have them. It works like a self defense mechanism; if they are off limits I don’t have to worry about asking them out and have no fears of rejection.

But the oddest thing is I can completely block all this out. I can pretend that it doesn’t matter or make excuses like “I hate how males are supposed to act in our society so I don’t act like that” or “I like to get to know girls before I ask them out” or even on occasion “she probably gets hit on all the time and I would just be another asshole”. I can totally block all this off until something happens (I went to our towns fireworks show and saw the “too young” girl) and it comes surging out. I will get sullen and introspective and write some good short stories or poems and within a week I can go back to my cycle of self-denial and making excuses.


I know there is no advice you can give me that could possibly change me. I am just putting this here because I need to have some real live people read this without having to admit it to people who are close to me.