Deadly (Literally) serious. Long, but please help.

[James]

Originally Posted by Skulhedface

Well, first of all, it doesn't even seem like she really does love him, just the idea of being in love, and he's the closest, or most available target in her eyes.

There's another guy she has a crush on, who lives in San Diego. She could probably date him if she wanted. That's a lot closer and more available.

That should've set off red flags right there. Did you tell her to call bullshit on this one?

I'm not sure you're up to speed on the online adventures of James, but the last girl I spoke about in disagreement on a similar matter hasn't spoken to me since. Considering this particular incident happened a day or so before we started talking, I figured it wasn't my place to judge or speak like I was a good friend and knew anything about her.

The second break up and getting back together, I told her not to talk to me for a little bit. I was too mad and upset to keep talking when I found out, and I didn't want to say something stupid because my thoughts were jumbled. I can back a couple hours later, and told her exactly how I felt. I said something along the lines of how he's not even dating her, but dating a version of her that he's created through manipulation, making her a third wheel in her own relationship. She was thankful that I could be honest with her. I can't make her change her mind. She has to realize things for herself and change them.

[quote]How often do you talk? How deeply do you talk? Even if just on a friendly level, are you being vocal enough about your feelings to her? I don't want to say "be pushy", but it appears to me that she's starved for affection, romance, to be needed, etc. It sounds like you're attempting to provide it in some capacity, but you don't tell me enough (or I haven't read your post far down enough yet). Are you being specific when you talk about how you feel to her? What exactly are you telling her or trying to tell her?[/qupte]

I try to make it a point to talk to her frequently every day. Since she's 12 hours ahead in time zones, I basically try my best to stay up all night so I can be there for her. I do try to talk deeply, and I am very vocal about my feelings. I tell her that I won't pry, but she knows I care about her, I worry about her, and I'm there when she needs me. I mention this often.

She loves affection, and I love affection. So I do the typical internet action text. *holds you tight* *gives you a little kiss on the forehead* and the like to make up for the lack of physical affection I can give her. I constantly try to remind her of what a wonderful person she is, and how beautiful she is inside and out.

So take charge. Change it back. Running away from the problem ain't gonna make it easier for her to deal with it. I'm not saying FORCE her to confront it, but let her KNOW something's wrong and before she can change the subject, let it be more than known that you are willing to listen and will do anything you can to offer her some help.

I make it known. I try not to pry, but that was before I began to understand the severity of all this. The moment she said she wanted to die, I became more insistent to talk, but she still didn't want to talk about it.

I can't say exactly without basically reading your conversations with her, but are you as bold with her as you read here? Do you talk to her as matter of factly? Most importantly, are you LETTING HER KNOW that she has YOU available to fall back on? From what I gather, you do spend a lot of time online, you can use that to your advantage. If she has some big problem, you can be around to talk to her and help guide her through it, if you can get her to stay on subject. You have to take charge here. I'm not saying you aren't, but you don't give me enough information to assume otherwise.

I make it very known. She knows that I try to be up at the same times she is, so she has someone to talk to. I tell her she can open up to me, and I want her to. I tell her that she's one of the greatest people I've ever known, and the world needs more people like her, and we can't afford to lose her. I make myself available, and I try not to be too forceful as to make her shut down and get mad at me.

Maybe she DOES like you, but feels that she needs to get YOUR attention in an extreme way.

I may be reading this wrong, but I just want to clear this up. I'm not looking for a relationship from her. I like her and think she's gorgeous and all, but NONE of this has to do with anything more than friendship and concern.

Maybe you are right, and she feels that dying will cause her boyfriend to love her again. In this case, it is your DUTY to speak up about it and say "Bullshit. Look how he treats you now? What makes you think he won't be just as big a dick in death as in life?"
You need to make it clear that YOU would miss her a lot, if you are close as friends as you say, that her absence would depress YOU, that YOU love having her around, that she's important to YOU.

She said she hopes her boyfriend will love her again. I said "Fuck the boyfriend. I love you." I said that she focuses so much on wanting someone who's not worth her time to show some sign of caring about her, that she doesn't realize how many other people are out there that already do love her and care about her, and want her to be happy and help however they can.

We are close. We've been talking for 2 months exactly, but we've just kind of "clicked" in that we feel comfortable with one another. She's also a camgirl (save it), so she gets a lot of net folk who only care about her looks and wanting to see her naked (which she doesn't do). So I think that since I'm more interested in knowing about her and talking to her than any of that shit, it helped us get close.

So in other words, she knows how much I care about her. I told her that I'm her friend, and I care about her and worry about her, and that's why I can't just leave things alone when I see her trying to carry all this pain by herself.

Take charge, dude. I hate to say it, but lay it on THICK. Don't FORCE her, but try your hardest to stay on subject. Guide her through it, reinforcing it every step of the way with your feelings for her.

Look, dude, she reads like she needs to be loved. She's only fooled into thinking she loves this guy in Norway, she wants love and since he's given it to her before, even briefly, she feels it's his to have.

YOU need to step in and say "Bullshit. You can love me. I care for you. I listen to you. I worry about you. I don't want you to do anything to hurt yourself, because I will miss you. It's selfish to say "Stay here for me", but isn't it also selfish to kill yourself just so one guy will care, even for a few moments?"

I'm not trying to put words in your mouth, but from the whole post you made, it reads like you're helping her out but not telling her how you feel about her, whether you like her or love her or whatever, and that's what you NEED to do because that's what's most important.

If I'm right about that, she sees you as just some other guy trying to give her advice.

Whereas, if you do make your feelings PLAINLY known (beating around the bush won't work in this case) and pepper your entire conversation about this subject with her, it won't catch on immediately but she WILL notice. After awhile, she might start feeling like she is important to YOU, and that might be what matters most to her.

It may not have come off in my initial post, but I do hope I've made it clear now that I do all that and more.