I need something cool

[Burger Lord]

A skateboard, then everyone will think you're cool and totally punk and end every sentence with the word "yo" because that will be cool and totally "awesome" yo. Then you might get laid and no one will think you're a looser and call you names like looser, and stupid looser face and cause you to have self doubt proplems needing therapy after you're girlfriend leaves you for some cooler guy who ownes a car, it's a Lexus goddamnit, and all you do is sit around with your uncool friends who say stupid things to you like "there are other fish in the sea" when they know I'm allergic to fish and Lisa was the only one for me with hitting myself over and over again for several nights in a row while reading weird messageboards calling myself burger-something i don't remember anymore, i hate myself, cry for help!

and football phones are cool, get one of those.