The start of my vampire saga

[Emu]

Originally Posted by Super Machine Neo

DAMIAN: The Memory Remains...

"Remains?" That implies that there was a story before this. Use this title for your second story. Get a better one for this one. I suggest "Batman Begins" if that's not taken.

This is a city... maybe even your city... that has a dark secret.

Ellipsis are terrible... Don't use them outside of character dialogue. Also, this line is dripping with cliche. Nobody wants to hear this again. Besides, it kind of loses the mysticism when half of your readers are fat white kids living in suburbia.

An underground supernatural culture is hidden from the judgmental society known as the human race. The citizens of this society are made up of creatures once thought to be the stuff of human fiction and faerie tales: people like Werewolves, Elves, Draconians, and Vampires. They eke out normal existences as they live among you. Theres crime, poverty, and even rivalry in this strange civilization.
You are the first to know of it.

Here you go from second person to third person to second person within the same paragraph. Don't do that. Also, it looks like you're trying to appeal to the furries with the "judgmental human race" thing. Are you trying to do that? Don't do that.

Also, it's spelled "fairy" tales. Not faerie, not fayrie, not fayry, not foyray. It's "fairy." Spelling it faerie just makes you look like some sort of elitist faggot and you're not one of those are you? good

"Theres crime, poverty, and even rivalry in this strange civilization."

That's an awkward sentence. Try "Crime, poverty, rivalry; all of these familiar human traits also plague this underground society." The semi-colon is a lost art; master it and you will succeed. See what I did there haha

It was about 10:30 at night.

You switch tenses here. Don't do that. Also, you could spice up this sentence a bit. "The time is about 10:30 pm." I can't really think of a less matter-of-fact way of stating it, but I think that's better than what you had and it sticks with your tense. In fact you may not even need the "pm" because your readers will probably assume that since it's a vampyr story it'll be at night idk

A man walks into the video store that is devoid of business and customers. The clerk, whos leaning back in a computer chair, reading a guitar magazine keeps a suspicious look on him, because barely anyone comes here at this time of night.

That's awful.

"At this time, a man enters the local Hollywood Video [or whatever] and begins flipping through the DVD shelf. [or VHS, or Betamax, whatever. Also, this establishes action!] The clerk behind the counter, the only other person in this desolate video plaza, idly flips through a Rolling Stone magazine. [Give the magazine a familiar name, that kind of bullshit draws readers in and makes it feel like it's really alive!] Perhaps, though, his flipping is a little too erratic, making it clear that he is paying more attention to his new customer's odd manner of dress and even odder choice of movie viewing times. [<--Establishes suspicious victim and sets you up to describe the main character!]"

i'll do the rest later or w/e