Did I just screw everything up before it even began?

[leroy77]

A new girl started at my job this week. We'd been chatting and joking and I was definitely getting the impression she might be into me. So tonight as we were both heading to our cars she intercepts me and leans in and we kiss. We continue kissing for what seemed like five minutes (I wasn't keeping track), she kept wanting more. Now as this went on my instincts took over and the ability for rational thought went out the window. Basically at one point I firmly squeezed her backside, she didn't seem to object, and after we were done for the time being I took my blue balls and went home. I have begun thinking that maybe the butt grabbing thing was too much, too soon. So I ask all of you (especially girls, but guys too): Did I fuck up? Or am I just being paranoid?

[Schimid]

First, let me say thanks for signing up at I-Mockery! We really are honored to be your go-to source for intimate advice involving delicate situations.

I'll try to figure out how to best direct your post; I would recommend you contact either CaptainBubba or Helm, our two resident "sexperts" for everything you need regarding sexual encounters! Of the two, only CaptainBubba is available at the time being, so he'll be here shortly!

Please wait patiently while we await a response.

[Chojin]

I like how he has the word 'virgin' in his title, it's like how hitler labelled the jews.

[liquidstatik]

you got blue balls from kissing her lol ;<

[CaptainBubba]

You get blue balls from 4.87 minutes(approximately, according to your stopwatch) of burger king dumpster tongue wrestling with a high quality fry girl. Its a common problem really and I have to say grabbing her butt was way out of line. The ladies are like fine flowers you see. Each picked from their own beautiful pot covered in glitter and ralph lauren stickers. You must be gentle when conducting the delicate rituals of the make outs.

First, excellent selection of environment. Parking lots are usually empty late at night and this emptiness mirrors the gaping chasm of lonliness that is the woman's black and angry heart. Nothing is sexier.

It is good that you became excited of course for the woman she is becoming so very mad when the man does not get very in to her. So mad. But also there is an invisible line drawn across the fiery and irrational mind of the womans. by grabbing her butt you have said to this girl that you do not respect her. You do not respect the art and dance of the burger king parking lot akward teen makeout.

The only solution now is to act completely awkward around her and always say the wrogn thing and vaguely ask her to "hang out" and cry in the freezer when she says no, then masturbate on the meat patties and get fired, move out of your house and deal pot and make a big fucking deal about it, then offer to drive her to school one day and take her to Sonic instead and buy her an Ocean Breeze (chicks love that coconut bullshit) and ask her if she wants to fuck (she will), and fuck her.

Good luck correcting your horrible horrible mistake.

[MattJack]

Hi I'm MattJack and I'm new 'round these parts. I'll do my best to help you out.

Originally Posted by leroy77

A new girl started at my job this week. We'd been chatting and joking and I was definitely getting the impression she might be into me.

First of all, where do you work? I'm sensing some fast food, possibly a Target? Either way, chatting and joking is the first step to making a woman love you. You can replace this step with alcohol or lotion. Bitches love lotion.

Originally Posted by leroy77

So tonight as we were both heading to our cars she intercepts me and leans in and we kiss. We continue kissing for what seemed like five minutes (I wasn't keeping track), she kept wanting more.

I see step one was a "Mission Accomplished." Your joking and chatting must be very superior to the average man's indeed. See next though is where you went wrong. You must always time the kiss. It is pretty much a cardinal rule. Every guy I know has a phone, watch, or some device that doubles as a stop watch. Why is that? Ah it's all coming together for you now, huh?
How did you know she kept wanting more really? Sometimes people have really good gum or just a warm mouth to take comfort in. I've personally made out with tons of girls because they have that delicious Zebra Gum. Bitches love Zebra Gum.

Originally Posted by leroy77

Now as this went on my instincts took over and the ability for rational thought went out the window. Basically at one point I firmly squeezed her backside, she didn't seem to object, and after we were done for the time being I took my blue balls and went home.

You really are a maniac man. I can't believe you had the balls to actually squeeze her backside. I must say, you really did throw your rational thought out the window. You must be a dangerous/gambling man huh? Cool. Me too.
Blue balls from making out? Either her name is Natalie Portman or you are simply a man of action. I will assume the latter. Obviously, you were ready to give her some man. Bitches love some man.

Originally Posted by leroy77

I have begun thinking that maybe the butt grabbing thing was too much, too soon. So I ask all of you (especially girls, but guys too): Did I fuck up? Or am I just being paranoid?

Why would you think such things?! You did some obvious salty pimping and now you just bein a lil bitch. I say yes: You did fuck up. You didn't put your foot on the gas hard enough. Bitches love the foot on the gas.

You should have just went for the gold right there, don't you keep condoms on you for that exact situation? Jesus(tap dancing)Christ. I mean if I had a taco for every time that exact thing happened to me! Tomorrow you go into work, eyes on fire with passion, and take her to the nearest public restroom. Bitches love makin love in the public restroom.

[Terra]

the dude buggered it up big time. you have to slug her in the nose until you see her eyes roll back into her head, like a shark. perform a half nelson and you won't be wasting time posting in loveline

[Emu]

Terra, when did you get funny?

[kahljorn]

i don't know that's a pretty terra typical form of humor.

Terra's always been into exaggerated violence as humor.

[leroy77]

"Why would you think such things?! You did some obvious salty pimping and now you just bein a lil bitch."

You have a point. She didn't kick me in the nuts, pull away, or even stop tongue wrestling for half a second so it couldn't have offended her TOO much. So fuck it, I'm not gonna worry about it. She was the aggressor in this instance anyway, I was gonna drag out "stage one" just a little bit longer and make her crazy but I guess she just couldn't stand it anymore. What's done is done anyway. Thanks, I needed that.

The reason why I sought the advice of those who have no clue what they are doing (according to the forum description) is because this is the first time I was so bold so soon. Normally I'm pretty decent at keeping myself in check but something about her is making my blood boil. I lost my cool for a second there, what can I say?

"How did you know she kept wanting more really? Sometimes people have really good gum or just a warm mouth to take comfort in."

Well the fact that every time I thought the kiss was over, she pulled me back in and kept going was my first clue. She was making some noise too, so she was either putting on the acting skills, or I'm just a fucking PIMP when it comes to tonsil hockey. There was no gum involved on either side, the taste was pure Leroy.

[Chojin]

AT ANY RATE LEROY, some women require a certain amount of kisses to continue everyday woman operations, and should they fall below their body's predetermined kiss quotient, they slip into a babbling comatose state and make uncomfortable threads in Loveline with Cosmo. Should they be found in their studio apartment in this state and kissed, they can one day hope to live a normal life, albeit without use of their vagina, which at that point has sprouted an ancient, gnarled tree that coincidentally looks exactly like the ones in Mortal Kombat 2.

More likely than not, this young lady thought you were an upstanding individual from your conversation in Ronald's Playpen, and turned to you when the zero hour arrived and FATE FORCED HER TO CHOOSE BETWEEN WOMAN AND TERRA and you totally got the wrong idea and unrelatedly should kill yourself because there's probably a glistening egg in your stomach now and the cycle has to stop somewhere.

[Emu]

I'm just a fucking PIMP when it comes to tonsil hockey.

Why does everybody assume pimps are naturally good kissers? Or lovers in general, for that matter?

[Chojin]

Don't be bitter, Emu.

[Emu]

I'm sorry. I've had my heart broken too many times

[MattJack]

Originally Posted by leroy77

You have a point. She didn't kick me in the nuts, pull away, or even stop tongue wrestling for half a second so it couldn't have offended her TOO much. So fuck it, I'm not gonna worry about it. She was the aggressor in this instance anyway, I was gonna drag out "stage one" just a little bit longer and make her crazy but I guess she just couldn't stand it anymore. What's done is done anyway. Thanks, I needed that.

That is my point, you should have just taken her around the nearest dumpster and had a go. Girls, I mean bitches love playing dirty. I think you missed a great opportunity to go "Dumpster Diving" if you catch my drift. Something about a giant cold trash can and a hot mans just gets them going. Don't believe me? Ask any girl. I think "stage one" was dragged out long enough pahd'nuh.

Originally Posted by leroy77

The reason why I sought the advice of those who have no clue what they are doing (according to the forum description) is because this is the first time I was so bold so soon. Normally I'm pretty decent at keeping myself in check but something about her is making my blood boil. I lost my cool for a second there, what can I say?

Well you just lucked out playboy. I do know what I'm doing. If it isn't obvious already, I've hooked up with fly ass rucas left and right that I just met like 10 minutes prior. I'm past my prime though. I can only offer you my experiences. I just think you need to be bolder. Cause if you don't get none on your second encounter then what's the point really? I mean, you can wine and dine her (assuming you are a fan of a good malt liquor like Olde English 800) but that gets too risky cause once you feed a hoe, they keep coming back for a hot meal every time. I suggest just wine her, very well.

If she makes your blood boil and subsequently your balls blue, she sounds like a trifle'n hoe. I don't let no bitch play me like that son. You need to show her the deal with a fist full of Act-Rite (found at MattJack stores) to the baby maker. Don't lose your cool player, your perm'll come out.

Originally Posted by leroy77

Well the fact that every time I thought the kiss was over, she pulled me back in and kept going was my first clue. She was making some noise too, so she was either putting on the acting skills, or I'm just a fucking PIMP when it comes to tonsil hockey. There was no gum involved on either side, the taste was pure Leroy.

See player, you just keep making mistake after mistake. Normally when you give a female the cobra clutch and they start making noises, that means they are hot or just want some good old fashion rape style shit. I'mma go with the latter though from experience. If you can't tell when a woman is faking it or not, you have a lot to learn yet Leroy-san. If you suspect it, just pop that hood rat in the mouth one time and be all, "QUIT FAKING IT GIRL, I AINT FALL OFF NO FRUIT TRUCK YESTERDAY." That normally clears things up.

Obviously you are on your way to being a True Mack with such quotes as, "the taste was pure Leroy." Just reverse the game today and be all, "If we don't fuck today after my fry shift is over, you can just forget it mama."

Good luck and stay up player

[Cosmo Electrolux]

Originally Posted by Chojin

AT ANY RATE LEROY, some women require a certain amount of kisses to continue everyday woman operations, and should they fall below their body's predetermined kiss quotient, they slip into a babbling comatose state and make uncomfortable threads in Loveline with Cosmo. Should they be found in their studio apartment in this state and kissed, they can one day hope to live a normal life, albeit without use of their vagina, which at that point has sprouted an ancient, gnarled tree that coincidentally looks exactly like the ones in Mortal Kombat 2.

More likely than not, this young lady thought you were an upstanding individual from your conversation in Ronald's Playpen, and turned to you when the zero hour arrived and FATE FORCED HER TO CHOOSE BETWEEN WOMAN AND TERRA and you totally got the wrong idea and unrelatedly should kill yourself because there's probably a glistening egg in your stomach now and the cycle has to stop somewhere.

You made me spit water out of my nose and onto my keyboard.

[Terra]

i KNOW i've never told anybody around here about the ancient, knarled tree that sprouted out of my va-gee-gee and haunts me like a reverse phantom limb.