Features

Mockery · #1

Proto's latest article covers a variety of classic NES games that are notorious for being absurdly difficult. Take a look and see if any of the games that once tortured you made the cut!

NEW SHORT: "NINTENDO GAMES THAT NEARLY DROVE ME TO HOMICIDE!" -by Protoclown
http://www.i-mockery.com/shorts/nintendo-homicide

Enjoy!

Emu · #2

Quote:

The aggravating thing here is that you're a fucking angel, with wings, and yet you still couldn't so much as hover or slow your descent to allow for a pillowy, snuggle-soft landing.

This part was rectified in the Game Boy sequel to Kid Icarus, which is a gr8 game.

executioneer · #3

i beat ninja turtles for nes, i seem to remember it involved some mapping, some strategy, and a whole shit load of sheer persistence

pretty sure i smacked at least one sibling for toe-nudging the reset button too

Max Radical · #4

To assist with cursing the impossibility of Kid Icarus, I must mention the Eggplant Wizard (full name: Ohfuckyoucompletebastardbagmongrel). A giant 2D maze, things to kill you in every room, then you'd stumble across two of these whoresons and have an absolutely random 50% chance of being turned into an eggplant. There was a fountain which could cure you (on the opposite end of the goddamn level), but since that journey was dangerous even when you weren't a freakin' vegetable, you were pretty much f-d.

Sacks · #5

I can't believe Mega Man beat out my suggestions. Bayou Billy has taken so many more lives than that robo-bastard.

Protoclown · #6

Hey, I explained my reasons for not including Bayou Billy in the actual piece. :P

executioneer · #7

the game that made me completely furious was gauntlet 2, cause i kept playing and playing and playing trying to beat it, only to realize at about level 150 that it just keeps going foreverrrrr

Zomboid · #8

Yeah, a friend and I tried to see how far it went last year and that's around the point where we said fuck it too.

Protoclown · #9

Gauntlet is only fun if you have three friends to play with and none of you really give a shit

executioneer · #10

the tengen gauntlet, on the other hand, you can win, supposedly, but it is fuck-damn impossible

zeldasbiggestfan · #11

I remember when I was about 5 or 6, I went to my Grandmas place and my aunt had a NES and Kid Icarus. I played it until about 2 in the morning and I got to the 4th stage. I had killed around 20 or 25 dudes and it fucking WENT BACK TO THE START. I got so fucking frustrated I threw down the controller and turned off the system in a fit of rage.

I havent even tried to play it again.

executioneer · #12

thats why you gotta remember to write down the password or else you get NOTHIGN you hear me NOTHING

RaNkeri · #13

Quote:

Originally Posted by zeldasbiggestfan

I got so fucking frustrated I threw down the controller and turned off the system in a fit of rage.

Holy shit! I hope your aunt's NES survived that violent beat down

Schimid · #14

This isn't really so much about a game pissing me off, but it DOES have to do with elder abuse!

When I was four or five or six, I played a LOT of videogames. I used to have Captain America and the Avengers for the NES, and there was the standard 1v1 duel mode on it. Iron Man was always my favorite superhero, so I'd always pick him and make my grandma let me beat her ass over and over again. Iron Man was the only character who could fly, so I'd just hover above her and shoot down.

Then she decides to pick Iron Man, and I get the wise idea to be Hawkeye. She found out she could fly.

She flew up into the air and killed me once, then again, then again and again, all the while celebrating throughout the room and laughing and having a fit. I've always been a big baby about losing, so I went to go throw the controller at her...the razor-sharp corner of the NES controller found her eye, and she laid down for about two days.

Guitar Woman · #15

This prompted me to replay Castlevania, and I found that Frankenstein is a pushover if you keep the little fucker monkey immobilized by hitting him with axes (that also usually hit Frank on the way down). If you have a double or triple item powerup and enough hearts, you really don't even have to move.

Guitar Woman · #16

So I just beat Castlevania for the first time ever, thanks to Proto's tip about killing Death. That makes two on this list I've beaten without a GameGenie (which, considering Battletoads, is in my eyes absolutely fine to do without becoming a douchebag), and I am now dead-set on getting through all of them, because that's the kind of guy I am. Woo-hoo.

Protoclown · #17

Yeah, once you learn how to deal with that annoying monkey guy, Frankenstein isn't TOO bad, but he's still pretty annoying. What's the other game on the list you've beaten without a game genie?

Sacks · #18

Quote:

Originally Posted by Protoclown

Hey, I explained my reasons for not including Bayou Billy in the actual piece. :P

But there were ZAPPER levels, Proto! You used THE ZAPPER! IT SUCKS YOU RIGHT INTO THE ACTION PROTO!

Guitar Woman · #19

Quote:

Originally Posted by Protoclown

Yeah, once you learn how to deal with that annoying monkey guy, Frankenstein isn't TOO bad, but he's still pretty annoying. What's the other game on the list you've beaten without a game genie?

Megaman, and I've been very close to beating Ninja Gaiden, but I always get killed by those fucking jetpack ninjas. I don't know what it is, but Nintendo had some kind of unwritten rule about every single flying enemy in every game ever being damn-near impossible to kill unless you attack at just the right moment. Every time they get me I always yell some shit about irregular flight patterns. The disembodied unicorn heads in Zelda 2 are a prime example of this.

Guitar Woman · #20

Kid Icarus you can suck my fucking balls OK

executioneer · #21

man i just beat the tmnt underwater electric bomb maze w/ 30 seconds and leonardo still at full health

i don't know if it was luck, or if i remembered where all the bombs were or what but man i don't ever rmember doing it that well, i'm pretty sure when i beat it when i was a kid i'd always at least have the music goin fast cause there were less than 15 seconds left

Guitar Woman · #22

That Gutsman's Ass thing made me wanna play Megaman again, and now I am finding it almost insultingly easy. I blew through the first six stages in about 45 with only two deaths thanks to iceman's faggotry, and now I'm gonna go for the cyclops bastard which I have only managed to beat once before (without cheating). I'm so fucking cool you guys

Protoclown · #23

Yeah, when I played through Mega Man recently I didn't have any problems until the damned cyclops monster. Even Ice Man gave me no problems whatsoever, but the last part of his stage did have me fall to my death a couple times.

RaNkeri · #24

Well at least the cyclops giant can be beaten in the NES version(if you take advantage out of some weird bug). But what about in the Genesis version? Nope, impossible