E-Mail of the Moment #26

[Protoclown]

In response to my Cloverleaf Mall Carnival Out of Nowhere piece (oh, sorry, "treatise") I got this fun email:

From: Patrick McKerral-Burnett

Protoclown: "Oh, hello. I'm a complete idiot who thinks that a rinky-dink carnival set up in a mall parking lot will be chock-full of quality goods, food and rides! Also, I think that all buildings where shootings or other killings have occurred should be condemned and torn down because they are now useless and scary, despite having cost millions to build."

Me: "You, fucktard."

So I replied with:

From: Protoclown

Good job with the grammar there, brainiac. Next time you want to insult someone without sounding like Tarzan, try removing the unnecessary comma (that's the little thing that looks like a quotation mark standing on its head) first.


- Me, Protoclown

And then:

From: Patrick McKerral-Burnett

And how do ye know that weren't the intention? Seems a mite presumptious to assume that I didn't wish to sound like Tarzan, whereas you wrote a 1500 word treatise on your own idiocy.

From: Protoclown

So it was your intention all along to sound like an idiot? Way to make that insult burn, dude. It always hurts that much more when the person insulting me comes across as a lackwit rather than someone of intelligence.

Was it your intention in this email to sound like a gay leprechaun?

[Protoclown]

This guy is SUPER fast at replying. I want to see how long I can keep this guy going.

From: Patrick McKerral-Burnett

Which is really just obfuscation of the original point, which is that you are too stupid to realize that parking lot carnivals are not amusement parks and you shouldn't expect them to be, nor should you expect food of Ma Maison quality. Expecting the crapola sold or given away as prizes to be worth more than 3 cents is also a litle naive.

And, boo hoo, people died in the mall, let's not go to the carnival in the parking lot!

So, nice job of trying to tuirn it all around on me, but the fact is that you are a whiny, naive fucktard who thinks that pointing out the obvious is funny.

And finally, if you're going to splash your literary jizz on the Internet, you should expect people to take notice if it is substandard.

From: Protoclown

Before you get your panties bunched up any tighter, I feel I should probably tell you something: I-Mockery is a humor website. Now, I know you thought this was some serious "treatise" giving a scathing review of the state of American carnivals today, but it was in fact meant to be tongue in cheek. The hundred or so other people who commented on this seemed to "get" that it wasn't meant to be taken seriously, while it apparently soared clear over your head.

"And, boo hoo, people died in the mall, let's not go to the carnival in the parking lot!"

By the way, did you catch the part where we went to the carnival in the parking lot?

Anyway, thanks for tasting my literary jizz!

(The "hundred or so other people" refers to 80+ comments on Fark in addition to the 20 or so emails I received, plus comments on the boards).

[Smon]

...he sounds like some kind of hillbilly bumpkin... I mean, "Weren't my intention"? It's clear you're dealing some kind of literary master.

[Protoclown]

Clearly I am indeed, Smon...clearly. Here's more:

From: Patrick McKerral-Burnett

Well, that, at least, was funny.

It's possible to get a joke and not find it amusing. I just don't like it when smartasses pick low-hanging fruit. Good lord, Cholmondeley, is pointing out that some things are cheap and that carnivals are dangerous and some rides mimic sex acts the best you can do? I can see you aren't getting it, either. I went to i-mockery by following a link from Fark and hoped, from the domain name, to get some real humor, some real mockery, but the few articles I read were the literary equivalent of tripping retards on the playground. There was no real wit involved, no stretch of the imagination. It was like those black comedians who stand on stage and say, "Black people are all LIKE THIS.... and white people are all like this..." Anyone with eyes can see it and it is offensive that some people are trying to make a living by pointing it out.

Now, I don't think that you are making a living at this (you couldn't possibly be), but to set up an entire website that essentially says, "You know what's funny? Jokes. Jokes are funny.", without actually tell me a joke annoys the crap out of me.

If you are content to not be funny, or to be thought funny only by those of minimal intelligence, more power to you.

From: Protoclown

"If you are content to not be funny, or to be thought funny only by those of minimal intelligence, more power to you"

Yes, but you didn't think it was funny, and you have displayed all the communication skills of someone who has to wear a bib to keep from getting drool all over his shirt. So I think we're doing okay.

[Grislygus]

Watch out proto, this is a cultured internet denizen. He'll write that you're stupid in his blog and ruin EVERYTHING.

[Sacks]

It's kind of creepy how he keeps changing the way he writes.

[Lenor]

o0o0o don't even start saying its me.. If I wanted to write proto an e-mail I'd be like

"Hey bitch this is lenor how ya doing? SUPER COOL! well good day bye" and he would respond with

"I have no real logic on why I would respond to this, other than maybe because I'm really bored and have nothing to do at the moment! Good day BYE"

Yup, thats how that would go, like exactly!


Anyway, this guy honestly already sounds like he knows how to press your buttons proto; He is throwing you the bait whether he or you realize it, and you are grabbing it right up. Your giving him the attention he's trying to get while in a desperate frenzy to argue with someone that has 90 percent more intelligence than him.

Think about it...

[Protoclown]

And all this time I thought I was the one toying with him...

My god...it's like the shocking moment of ephiphany at the end of a horror movie...

[Lenor]

You seriously do not see how he thinks he is doing the same to you? Proto, It wasn't meant to be rude or sarcastic, what I posted. It just reminded me of when we used to fight, although he does have way better spelling and grammar than I did. :/

[Protoclown]

Of course I see that, Lenor. We're both just completely wasting each other's time. But I'm having fun doing it, so that's what matters, eh?

[Lenor]

Proto, you would know, being as I learned that its always about the fun; from you. Eh'!

[Mockery]

I bet he's waited his whole life to use the word "obfuscation". Actually no, scratch that... he probably just looked it up.

[Gregorio Wilhelm III]

Hey, have YOU ever read something that confused the hell out of you?
I have.

That E-mail of the moment hurt my head.

[Supafly345]

Grislygus managed to make me laugh.

[NeoGunKuruma]

The one word the person that is e-mailing you doesn't know, Protoclown, is sarchasm, "the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the recipient who doesn't get it".
LOL, that fool will never understand your natural-born wittyness (for some weird reason) >_> Oh well the volcano gods may have mercy if they repent.

[arg_zombies]

LOL
I can imagine him awaiting the daily Urban Dictionary e-mails to give him a new long word he can use in defence!

[NeoGunKuruma]

Originally Posted by arg_zombies

LOL
I can imagine him awaiting the daily Urban Dictionary e-mails to give him a new long word he can use in defence!

Urban Dictionary?.........
My god, Arg Zombies I think you may have found the culprit's endless supply of vocabulary!
One step closer to stopping the feind.

[Grislygus]

You're the most spectacularly horrible thing I've seen since zeldasbiggestfan's Secret Santa gift..

[arg_zombies]

Please,

No autographs

[Grislygus]

Not you, retard.

[arg_zombies]

Please,

No autographs

[NeoGunKuruma]

Blast, I wanted an autograph too...
Y'know arg_zombies autographs are worth alot nowadays I heard...
Or maybe I'm getting you confused.
Oh well.
Proto doesn't give out autographs anymore being due to the fact he gave out so many last year, that now an entire 5 million tons of rainforest are gone.
arg_zombies, I suggest you give out "zombiegrams" instead. Much less paper involved XD.

[arg_zombies]

Zombiegrams?
What does that involve?
If it uses effort, I'm out.

[tenno]

Holy shit, you fucked up his ePANTIES!!!!